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Thread: Random Thoughts

  1. #4551
    The Pan Scar's Avatar
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    I'm sure some of you have seen this before, but its funny as Hell, and a great way to start the week:

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
    CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
    Judge # 3 No Report
    “What we are dealing with here is a perfect engine, er... an eating machine. It's really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks and that's all.”

  2. #4552
    I'm in the milk... Mara's Avatar
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    Quote Quoting Scar (view post)
    I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
    Is it wrong that this sounds vaguely... refreshing?

  3. #4553
    Director bac0n's Avatar
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    Quote Quoting Mara (view post)
    Is it wrong that this sounds vaguely... refreshing?
    Depends on the flavor, I would say.

  4. #4554
    Administrator Ezee E's Avatar
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    so nobody knows what happened to Meg?

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  5. #4555
    Director chrisnu's Avatar
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    I have no idea, E.

    The city of Gardena, CA wants to ban saggy pants. Them whippersnappers need to start dressin' more respectivelike, you hear!
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  6. #4556
    The Pan Scar's Avatar
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    Quote Quoting chrisnu (view post)
    I have no idea, E.

    The city of Gardena, CA wants to ban saggy pants. Them whippersnappers need to start dressin' more respectivelike, you hear!
    Eh, let 'em keep their baggy pants. Makes it easier for the cops to catch 'em.
    “What we are dealing with here is a perfect engine, er... an eating machine. It's really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks and that's all.”

  7. #4557
    nightmare investigator monolith94's Avatar
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    Heh, I'd totally be judge #3 in that report. I can't handle spicy at all, anywhere beyond a bit of crushed red pepper...
    "Modern weapons can defend freedom, civilization, and life only by annihilating them. Security in military language means the ability to do away with the Earth."
    -Ivan Illich, Deschooling Society

  8. #4558
    What is best in life? D_Davis's Avatar
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    Quote Quoting Ezee E (view post)
    so nobody knows what happened to Meg?
    I fingered he was just taking a break, but I haven't heard.

  9. #4559
    Too much responsibility Kurosawa Fan's Avatar
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    Perhaps Meg is in NY with Jen? I wouldn't be on the computer if I was in NY with my girlfriend.

    EDIT: Not implying I have a girlfriend. Bastards. I could see that one coming a mile away. In my case it'd be with my wife.

  10. #4560
    What is best in life? D_Davis's Avatar
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    Quote Quoting Kurosawa Fan (view post)
    Perhaps Meg is in NY with Jen? I wouldn't be on the computer if I was in NY with my girlfriend.

    EDIT: Not implying I have a girlfriend. Bastards. I could see that one coming a mile away. In my case it'd be with my wife.
    d'oh!

    You're too fast.

  11. #4561
    Too much responsibility Kurosawa Fan's Avatar
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    Quote Quoting Daniel Davis (view post)
    d'oh!

    You're too fast.
    You guys make me paranoid. I have to double-check my posts or I know they'll end up sig'd.

  12. #4562
    What is best in life? D_Davis's Avatar
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    Quote Quoting Kurosawa Fan (view post)
    You guys make me paranoid. I have to double-check my posts or I know they'll end up sig'd.
    :lol:

  13. #4563
    Quote Quoting Daniel Davis (view post)
    I fingered he was just taking a break, but I haven't heard.
    Oh my.
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  14. #4564
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    Meg is taking a break of undetermined length away from the forum. From the message he sent me, it sounds like he had some real life stuff to sort out and that the interactions he was experiencing on the forum were feeling increasingly negative to him. He did not want to draw attention to himself, so he did not post anything announcing his absence. That is about all I know.
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  15. #4565
    What is best in life? D_Davis's Avatar
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    I wish that System of a Down were around when Beavis and Butthead were on TV.

  16. #4566
    Screenwriter Malickfan's Avatar
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    There is no such thing as fast food here in North Carolina. Doesn't matter where you go, everyone is freaking slow.

  17. #4567
    Administrator Ezee E's Avatar
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    Quote Quoting Spinal (view post)
    Meg is taking a break of undetermined length away from the forum. From the message he sent me, it sounds like he had some real life stuff to sort out and that the interactions he was experiencing on the forum were feeling increasingly negative to him. He did not want to draw attention to himself, so he did not post anything announcing his absence. That is about all I know.
    I like the guy and all, but he took comments to himself way too seriously. Any comments I made to him were simply jabs that I give to anyone else here on the forum. Hopefully he didn't take any too seriously.

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  18. #4568
    Piss off, ghost! number8's Avatar
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    I always feel awkward when he apologizes for something he said. Usually because I don't realize he was doing anything wrong until he points it out himself.
    Quote Quoting Donald Glover
    I was actually just reading about Matt Damon and he’s like, ‘There’s a culture of outrage.’ I’m like, ‘Well, they have a reason to be outraged.’ I think it’s a lot of dudes just being scared. They’re like, ‘What if I did something and I didn’t realize it?’ I’m like, ‘Deal with it.’
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  19. #4569
    Sunrise, Sunset Wryan's Avatar
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    Quote Quoting Spinal (view post)
    Meg is taking a break of undetermined length away from the forum. From the message he sent me, it sounds like he had some real life stuff to sort out and that the interactions he was experiencing on the forum were feeling increasingly negative to him. He did not want to draw attention to himself, so he did not post anything announcing his absence. That is about all I know.
    Invasion of the Body Snatchers (Siegel, 1956) **1/2

    This is so incorrect.
    "How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?"

    --Homer

  20. #4570
    Here till the end MadMan's Avatar
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    Quote Quoting Wryan (view post)
    Invasion of the Body Snatchers (Siegel, 1956) **1/2

    This is so incorrect.
    Heh, I already pointed that out a while back in the FDT.

    And hopefully meg returns. I like the guy.
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  21. #4571
    Oh, Ebert.

    Quote Quoting Roger Ebert
    Creationism: Your questions answered
    // / September 21, 2008
    By Roger Ebert

    Questions and answers on Creationism, which should be discussed in schools as an alternative to the theory of evolution:

    Q. When was the earth created?

    A. Archbishop James Usher, working out a chronology from the Bible, calculated in 1654 that the earth was created on the night of October 23, 4004 B.C. Other timetables reach back as far as 10,000 years.

    Q. What about oil and coal, which seem to have been generated from ancient forests millions of years ago?

    A. They are evidence of a Great Flood about 4,400 years ago, which laid down all the layers of sediment at once. They are nowhere near as old as evolutionists and archeologists say. A fossil claimed to be 200 million years old, found in Nevada in 1917, shows a shoe print. [See photograph]

    Q. What about bones representing such species as Cro-Magnon Man and Neanderthal Man?

    A. Created at the same time as man. They did not survive. In fact, all surviving species and many others were created fully formed at the same time. At that moment they were of various ages and in varying degrees of health. Some individuals died an instant later, others within seconds, minutes or hours.

    Q. Were there ice ages lasting millions of years?

    A. No, but a recent and catastrophic Ice Epoch.

    Q. Did the Colorado River carve out the mile-deep Grand Canyon over eons?

    A. It was the result of Ice Epochs, the Great Flood and other catastrophes within the last 64 to 100 centuries.

    Q. Was there a Noah, and did he have an Ark?

    A. Certainly. There are many unverified reports of a massive wooden vessel on Mount Ararat. The Arc contained eight people, from whom we are all descended. It also contained two of each kind of animal. Since living species were obviously not created through an evolutionary process, every surviving land-based mammal species (about 5,400) had both ancestors on the Arc.

    Q: What about dinosaurs?

    A. They walked the earth at the same time as man, but were wiped out by the Flood, whose turbulence buried their bones in non-sequential sediments.

    Q. What did the creatures on the Ark eat?

    A. Food on board, fish, and possibly trapped sea birds.

    Q. How long did the Great Flood last?

    A. We know that Noah was 600 years, two months and 17 days old when he sailed. Using that as a starting point and counting forward, Genesis tells us it lasted for 40, 150, 253, 314 or 370 days.

    Q. Since the earth was completely covered, even to the highest mountains, where did the waters go?

    A. This is explained in Psalm 104, verses 6 and 7: "Thou coveredst it with the deep as with a garment: the waters stood above the mountains. At thy rebuke they fled; at the voice of thy thunder they hasted away."

    Q. What about such cosmic phenomena as the rings of Saturn?

    A. Evidence of a catastrophic collision between Saturn and another object within the same 10,000-year span.

    Q. Why would God create such an absurd creature as a moose?

    A. In charity, we must observe that the moose probably does not seem absurd to itself.

  22. #4572
    Sunrise, Sunset Wryan's Avatar
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    Quote Quoting Kurosawa Fan (view post)
    You guys make me paranoid. I have to double-check my posts or I know they'll end up sig'd.
    I have no love for the Dead End Kids (let me rephrase: I fuckin' hate their mugging, shrill, affected "performances"), but Angels With Dirty Faces is really great. If you want something similar, try Mayor of Hell.
    "How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?"

    --Homer

  23. #4573
    Stunt Man Justin's Avatar
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    Quote Quoting Malickfan (view post)
    There is no such thing as fast food here in North Carolina. Doesn't matter where you go, everyone is freaking slow.
    Haha, while yeah, some people are slow, I don't really notice much. What part of NC?

  24. #4574
    Screenwriter Malickfan's Avatar
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    Quote Quoting Justin (view post)
    Haha, while yeah, some people are slow, I don't really notice much. What part of NC?
    Fayetteville. If you've lived here all your life, I could see why you wouldn't notice.


    In other news, Clay Aiken is supposed to reveal sometime this week that he is gay...since we never had a clue.

  25. #4575
    What is best in life? D_Davis's Avatar
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