The NFL Discussion Thread

[DFA1979]

I was wrong the Texans article is a masterpiece. I laughed so hard.

[quido8_5]

"About the only thing going for either of our franchises is that the old one had one of the best uniforms ever but we can’t use it or the Oilers name because for some reason the NFL didn’t give us the same option they gave Cleveland, if I want to play as the Oilers in Madden I have to play as our hated arch rival who left us.

My granddad saw the Oilers rip off a couple of AFL titles before the merger and turned my dad into a rabid Oilers fan, and then turned me into a rabid Oilers fan. He never got to see his beloved team in a Super Bowl and now he never will, because he didn’t survive living in Greg Abbott’s Covid wonderland. I lost him about a week before the Deshaun Watson massage scandal broke so I guess I should be thankful for small mercies. I know I was supposed to write about the Texans but that’s not really the team anyone in Houston loves. We all cheer for a dead team and we always will. What is grief if not Luv Ya Blue persevering, I guess."

Man, I actually found this very moving.

My dad was living in Texas at the time of the Oilers nadir and was fond of telling this joke: A radio station announced a new prize. First place was a ticket to an Oilers game. Second place was two tickets to an Oilers game.

[Skitch]

Every Browns fan:

Paay dat maayn his mooooney

[

Show Spoiler

you earned it Nick

]

[Idioteque Stalker]

Yeah. Lock Chubb down. Worth every penny.

[DFA1979]

Every Browns fan:

Paay dat maayn his mooooney

[

Show Spoiler

you earned it Nick

]

Oh yeah. I had him in fantasy football a few years back and he helped me make the playoffs. I'm gonna try and draft him again.

[Philip J. Fry]

[Philip J. Fry]

"Following the Super Bowl LI, I very drunkenly texted an acquaintance who’s a Pats fan and said I hoped he got gonorrhea. In a bizarre twist of fate, he did in fact get the clap… and as a Falcons fan I’m still the loser here."

[DFA1979]

I honestly almost forgot the Falcons existed.

[Skitch]

You and 31 other teams. Don't worry, several talking heads will pick them to win the superbowl like every year.

[DFA1979]

You and 31 other teams. Don't worry, several talking heads will pick them to win the superbowl like every year.

No way they do this year.

Also that Bengals article is just brutal.

[Philip J. Fry]

[Philip J. Fry]

"The last time the Bengals won a playoff game I was three years old. I’m now 34 years old. It’s essentially masochism at this point, man."

[Philip J. Fry]

[DFA1979]

Both of those were pretty brutal. The fan letters still bring me the most joy and laughs coupled with the acknowledgement that these people root for teams that let then down. The Eagles are like the Bears and the Jets-1 title sandwiched among years of suck.

[Philip J. Fry]

"– Let Carson Wentz serve as a constant reminder that there should not be two Dakotas. Or even one Dakota.

– Nick Sirianni looks the kid running the counter at that one local deli that everyone knows is just a mafia front.

– I’m pretty sure there’s still a guy busking outside the Linc selling “Romo is a Homo” t-shirts.

– I don’t have kids, but I do have a nephew who’s about to turn three. I’ve been slowly indoctrinating him to the Eagles side with his parents’ permission (my brother-in-law is a casual Bills/Giants fan, as they live in upstate NY, and my sister is indifferent at best to all sports). Part of this is Uncle/Nephew bonding, but a much larger part is that I want to have at least one family member to suffer with me so I’m not alone in my pain every year. This probably makes me some kind of sociopath. I don’t care. Grieve with Uncle Bill, Teddy. Grieve with me! At least we have an easy to learn fight song to pique his youthful interest.

– Last year our offensive line had more holes than your average PornHub search."

[Dukefrukem]

Part of this is Uncle/Nephew bonding, but a much larger part is that I want to have at least one family member to suffer with me so I’m not alone in my pain every year. This probably makes me some kind of sociopath. I don’t care. Grieve with Uncle Bill, Teddy. Grieve with me! At least we have an easy to learn fight song to pique his youthful ."[/QUOTE]

You monster.

[Scar]

Vikings have lowest or one of the lowest vaccination rates in the NFL.


*sigh*

[DFA1979]

If I get a nephew in the future I'm definitely gonna try to brainwash them into being a Chiefs fan.

Scar on the brightside if Kirk gets sick maybe the Vikings can dump him and draft a good QB.

[DFA1979]

The Lions WYTS btw reminds me that KF was a Lions fan. RIP, buddy. They still suck though.

[Philip J. Fry]

[DFA1979]

My favorite early memory of the Panthers is when they thought they could beat the Packers in the NFC title game and they got smoked. Packers then went on to win the Super Bowl that season.

[Philip J. Fry]

"My gf and I used to live walking distance to Ford Field. The neighborhood was a popular spot for suburbanites to park their cars for home games. One Sunday afternoon, we noticed a drunk Lions fan pissing in the alley behind our building as he yelled to his buddies up the street, “Did you guys see these grapes?! They’re really good!”

He was eating grapes from a grapevine as he was pissing on it."

[Philip J. Fry]

"I love barbecue. I love fried chicken. I love that the summer is so hot that fall feels like a vacation and snow feels like a miracle. I love that we take college football and basketball way too seriously. I love old-school NASCAR.

For all that though, I just hate so many of the people we have here. The racists and xenophobes (not that they know what that word means) and science-deniers and Trump voters and just truly awful people. My in-laws went from loving the Panthers to hating the NFL because of the kneeling and I think Colin Kapernick deserves the Medal of Freedom for ruining their enjoyment of professional football.

I think Cam Newton (spoiled brat that he could be sometimes) was the most fun football player to watch since ever, and my miserable in-laws still hated him even after he gave them 15 wins in a year and the best football years of his life. Now they’re going to have to watch him go to New England and get three rings and I say good for Cam. We deserve that shit from how we treat players in Charlotte. If you don’t believe me, ask basically anyone who played for us under Gettleman.

I wonder what awful thing we’ll wind up doing to McCaffrey. In my Madden Franchise mode, CMC busted his leg and was out until midway through the next season. If the real-life version is lucky, we’ll just do what we did to Cam, and let him get right up to the edge without him getting a real shot at hardware.

2016 was the worst year of my life (lost my job, house flooded, broke my leg) and that fucking Super Bowl was the beginning of everything shitty. I’m still not convinced that there isn’t some weird magic that screws with my life through this team.

I was reading a few predictions about the season yesterday. Most of them have us either deliberately tanking, or unintentionally tanking and none of them predicted we’d be able to get the #1 pick out of it. We can’t even tank properly in a simulator.

This is all assuming we even get to play football. My fellow citizens are turning both of these states into massive petri dishes and then complaining like three-year-olds when our Governor tells them to put on a fucking mask and not infect their children. We have so few good people trying so hard to save so many terrible people. It’s America in microcosm.

Anyways, when we don’t go 15-1 we either go 9-7 or 7-9.

This is bound to be a 7-10 year and we’ll end up with a linebacker from the SEC and a rookie QB from Alpha Centauri."

[DFA1979]

"We have so few good people trying so hard to save so many terrible people. It’s America in microcosm."

Oh yeah. 100%.

[Philip J. Fry]

From the comments:

Fatter, wealthier, less productive
Complacent,
Drinking too much,
Driving past the gym (3 times a day)
Snorting grits with your co-workers and smoking meth with your family
Medicated
Eating a whole hog without chewing
An angry, angry man
A giant S.U.V. (that's never seen mud)
Catatonic (no dreams)
Constant rage
Openly hostile to humans (no mask, believes the vaccine is "the devil")
Alienate friends from college (binge drinking at age 45)
Obsesses about home (life) equity (hole in the ground)
Utter selfishness
Dumb and narcissistic
Angry about others' Social Security checks
On Sundays attend church
Tears the wings off flies, skins rabbits alive
Applies Calvin peeing on Ford bumper sticker (immediately after church)
Frightened of anyone darker than Powder
Internalized white male grievance
Live dumb, die young
Impulsive and unthinking
Masturbates to "freedom"
Now unemployed
Terrified (but not sure why)
An uneducated but powerful voting bloc (religious and political purity tests)
Thinks crying is for pussies
Will never not be ill
Worn out Trump merchandise (purchased from a supplier in China)
No memories
Thinks Rambo 2 is a good film
Still jerks off with WD40
Reactionary not contemplative
Like a dog
Chained outside
Can't believe that
You have to feed it every day (that's my bacon)
Lobotomized
Fatter, dumber, a drain on society
Like a pig
On a grate
Over a bed of hot coals

Better if you use this

Pitch=0.1
Speed=1