The past WYTS articles is why I picked the Titans to go 9-7. It is their standard record.
Also fuck the Steelers. However thanks to them and the Titans the Chiefs traded Alex Smith and drafted Patrick Mahomes. Yey, I guess?
The past WYTS articles is why I picked the Titans to go 9-7. It is their standard record.
Also fuck the Steelers. However thanks to them and the Titans the Chiefs traded Alex Smith and drafted Patrick Mahomes. Yey, I guess?
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And everybody wants to be special here
They call your name out loud and clear
Here comes a regular
Call out your name
Here comes a regular
Am I the only one here today?
Also the Dolphins have been mostly middle of the road, although this season gives them the chance to tank for a good QB. Will they screw it up? Probably.
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And everybody wants to be special here
They call your name out loud and clear
Here comes a regular
Call out your name
Here comes a regular
Am I the only one here today?
"One time I decided to wear a Jason Bay shirt to Heinz Field. I have never been more verbally abused in a stadium, and I’ve been to Oakland coliseum.
A few years ago a buddy that’s also a Pennsylvania native & I went to San Diego to see a Monday Night game. The night before the game we went to the Gaslamp and found ourselves surrounded by people in Steelers gear. After a few drinks we started asking people where they were from. Not a single one of them had even set foot in Pittsburgh in their lives. They all had stories like, 'My uncle used to lock me in his basement in Fresno while he watched the Steelers.' Once we were at the game we sat next to a Chargers fan in his early 20's that had the nerve to cheer loudly for his favorite team in its home stadium. Some trashy woman sitting behind us leaned forward and said, 'Hey. Did you hear about that Ravens fan that got the shit beat out of him at Heinz Field last week?' I looked at her and said, 'You can’t be serious.' She looked to her boyfriend for support. His response, 'What the fuck is wrong with you?'"
That last part is both sad and funny.
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And everybody wants to be special here
They call your name out loud and clear
Here comes a regular
Call out your name
Here comes a regular
Am I the only one here today?
Yahoo FF Draft results:
QBs: Rodgers, Allen, Stafford, Rosen (you can start two QBs in this league)
RBs: Mack, Henry, Murray, Davis, Peterson
WRs: Robby Anderson, Mike Williams, Jeffery, Washington (Pitt), Brown (Balt)-you can start 3 WRs
TEs: Kittle, Njoku
Defenses (way too many bench spots haha): Seattle, Atlanta
No kickers because kickers are lame. Rodgers and Kittle were keepers btw.
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And everybody wants to be special here
They call your name out loud and clear
Here comes a regular
Call out your name
Here comes a regular
Am I the only one here today?
"I am a Seahawks fan who lives in New England, so I get to relive the worst sports moment of my life just about every week. That’s my fault. I’m dumb.
But that goal-line interception isn’t just the nut-punch that short-sheeted a potential dynasty and wasted a legendary defense; it is also the last time the Seahawks offense was reliably watchable. After Super Bowl 49, I spent the next three years yelling at Tom Cable as a rotating cast of not-Marshawn-Lynches got tackled for losses on first and second down behind a line of converted basketball players, D-linemen, and bags of compost that Cable insisted were better suited to the job than, y’know, actual offensive linemen who know how to play the position. Meanwhile, the MVP-caliber QB in a passing league gets his first throw of the possession on 3rd-and-12. Stand down, Mr. Ciara! Christine Michael’s gotta eat!
Before last season, Cable and Darrell Bevell finally got the ax ... and the Seahawks promptly made Brian Schottenheimer their new OC. They proceeded to run the ball more than any team in the league (Russell Wilson: 3rd in the NFL in touchdown passes, 20th in pass attempts), which was mostly fine because the O-line blossomed into not-sucking with the absence of Cable. But in the playoffs, they faced a Cowboys team that had the league’s 5th-best rushing defense by DVOA and a middling pass defense (16th by the same metric). What was Schottenheimer’s game plan? Did he craft a team-specific game plan that used his team’s best player to target Dallas’s weakness? Hell no! He ran the ball because there was an IDENTITY to uphold! Pete Carroll got outcoached by Jason Garrett. I wouldn’t let Garrett coach my eating club.
Doug Baldwin retired. Earl Thomas is going to be awesome on the Ravens. John Schneider trades down in the draft every year to get more young players, the best of whom take 3 years to blossom into starters before leaving in free agency. He’s so smart! I love the way he never gets an impact player at a position of need!
When the Seahawks win, the best possible feeling is three hours of misery that end in relief. When they lose, it’s the same three hours of misery, except 7 more days of unhappiness. It sucks! I’m raising my children to be NBA fans."
Do I feel dirty that KC is trying use Frank Clark to win a Super Bowl? Yes. But I would like to see the Chiefs do it once before I fuck off and die.
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And everybody wants to be special here
They call your name out loud and clear
Here comes a regular
Call out your name
Here comes a regular
Am I the only one here today?
"We grab Hayden Hurst with an early pick, only to break our new toy like the petulant children that we are, and then force him back onto the field so that he can get hurt worse and require another procedure. Jimmy Smith was suspended four games for a domestic violence incident, because the Ravens always have one, but no one gave a shit because domestic violence only exists for the NFL if it was on camera in a hotel or an elevator.
The team gets fined $200,000 during the preseason for breaking communication protocol. Flacco begins the season and maintains the personality and playing ability of wet toast. AJ Green puts up a hat trick against us, because our useless goddamn film coaches can’t point out the one fucking guy on the Bengals with talent. One week after Ty Montgomery makes one of the most colossal fuck-ups I’ve ever seen in a football game, the team decides they have to have him and put another liability in our backfield.
And then it happens. Flacco goes down, and the clouds part. I hear angels singing. It’s finally over. No more do I have to watch a quarterback that fleeced the team out of $184 million for a single championship. No more do I have to be reminded that our starter who wanted to be considered elite once threw five interceptions to the Buffalo Bills. Our QB might actually record positive rushing yardage. I’m over the goddamn moon.
But Lamar. Ohhhhh, Lamar. Incredible speed, great motivator, exciting player to watch, I’ll grant him all of these. He carries the team to a 7-2 record as a starter with his only losses coming against teams with a combined record of 26-6. The kid is good. He also fumbled the ball approximately four thousand times. Then, in case the risk of head trauma isn’t great enough playing football, he drives around at over 100 miles per hour without a seatbelt on. Do you know how I know, Drew? Do you know how the whole fucking world knows? BECAUSE HE PUT IT ON FUCKING INSTAGRAM.
Now, I’d like to be able to tell you that this isn’t a reflection of the person that Lamar is, and that he made a careless mistake. I’d like to tell you that, but it would be a lie. I’ve met Lamar on several occasions now, and he’s a colossal asshole. Literally one of the most self-involved people I’ve ever met, and I’m still going to cheer for that dickhead, because anything is better than watching Joe Flacco.
We finish the year by letting Marmalard kick the absolute dogshit out of us for 58 minutes before the offense finally got off the bus and started to play at the end. With our draft, we pick up Hollywood Brown, a wide receiver coming onto the team already broken, because it makes it that much easier to for us to ruin his health like we do with every rookie. I legitimately fear for his safety, because not only is he already hurt, he’s roughly 74 pounds and will shatter like porcelain the minute crosses the middle of the field against any linebacker in our division. His uniform needs to come with a medical alert bracelet.
Alex Collins got popped for drugs, but he couldn’t do it like any normal football player and just get pulled over with them. He gave 110% on it, the real Raven Way, by wrapping his car around a telephone pole and falling asleep in it while mason jars filled with weed sat in the center console. This happened literally like four blocks from training camp. Nothing says you’re committed to trying to get a new contract like getting replaced by an undrafted rookie and then getting arrested for drugs while your coworkers pass you on their way into work.
Maybe my favorite moment of last year: I took my dad to the final regular season game of the year against the Browns, which ended up being the best game of football I’ve ever seen in person and an absolutely irreplaceable memory for us as his Christmas gift. Sure, I had to explain to my dad what the “dope fiend lean” was as we watched a heroin addict fall over in the parking lot while the completely indifferent event staff did nothing about it. Sure, two drunk Ravens fans got into a fight in the row behind us. But we’ll never lose the memory of walking out of our section and seeing a woman in her mid-60s sporting a healthy buzz and a shirt that simply read “BAKER FUCKING MAYFIELD” in large block letters. Those are the kind of memories that you keep forever."
"It’s hard to describe what it is like to be a Houston Texans fan, or even a Houston sports fan for that matter. Your friends and you all agree that the team is always snubbed by national press but secretly you know it is because we just aren’t that memorable as a fan base or sports culture aside from the years of Phi Slamma Jamma or Clutch City.Until recently (and it’s not a done deal), Texas Blue Laws have made it impossible to buy alcohol before noon on Sunday. And when I say alcohol I mean beer and wine because we can’t buy liquor on Sundays no matter what. So hopefully you planned ahead because you can’t do this thing sober. You have about two weeks a year of perfect tailgating weather. Otherwise it is unbearably hot or raining. Or both. If you’re lucky, you can catch one of the November or December games that will include freezing rain and the firsthand witnessing of the admirable quality of Houstonians not being able to dress for any weather below 36 degrees.
A quarter of your stadium is filled with visiting fans (most of whom actually live in Houston) and another fourth is made up of the causal elite who can afford to go to games in a variety of $140 Texans Nike polos but can’t name five people on the roster. They are glued to their phones for most of the game. It’s hard to find someone that personally pays for a ticket anymore. Most fans receive them as benefits of their jobs or from mysterious friends who can’t commit to more than three games a year. The rest are made up of some of the most interestingly shaped people you have ever seen. Under Armour clad kids in Watson jerseys are dragged by their rotoundous moms in pink Watt jerseys while their portly fathers dressed in the latest fashions trends from Dad Bod Quarterly are trying to sneak in the last few cans of Bud Light before they get to the security gate.
That one block stretch of walking from the parking lot will probably be their only cardio of the week. Houston is a city of sedentary, office dwelling sloths who drive everywhere and bitch about parking even though we have thirty fucking parking spaces per resident. We’re 90% parking. The entrance ramps and right turn lanes around the stadium are deathtraps on Sundays at 4pm.
The game itself will be pocked with marks of brilliance followed by the overwhelming sense of dread of what will surely follow. Texans fans are some of the most under reported pessimistic people I know. We have created the perfect blend of doubt and confidence: we know we are good, but we are destined to fuck it up. We were gifted a scandalous amount of games last year by even more inept coaches than our own.
Our offseasons are a comedy of errors. Never ever let us forget that we gave Brock Osweiler $72 million. If I were speaking to someone instead of e-mailing Deadspin, then I would have to repeat that number for the sheer hilarity. We tried saying that Clowney is a linebacker and are trying to screw him out of a few million dollars. Bill O’Brien is mediocrity reincarnate and he is somehow given the keys to the kingdom every year despite never doing jack shit in the weakest goddamn division of the NFL. We all think the delay in hiring a GM is so we can wait to hire another branch from the Bill Belichick Suck Off Tree © but that those odds aren’t great.
Cannot wait to win our one playoff game this year."
"The oldest, nine, is now sucked in. He has a lifetime of futility and heartbreak ahead of him. He actually started to learn this during Cody Parkey’s double doink in the playoffs last year. My boy didn’t yell or rage. He just quietly went up to his room. My wife found him there 30 minutes later just sitting in the dark, staring at the floor, with no words to say."
"This year the regularly scheduled destruction of Bear’s fans hopes and dreams occurred on January 6th, which is also my daughter’s birthday. We were having a small get together for my daughter in which the game was on and everyone was pacing and saying very little. It came time to sing Happy Birthday and blow out candles when Mr. Parkey trotted out on the field. A hush fell over the gathering. You know what happened next. What followed was similar to a scene out of one of those documentaries from the 70's and 80's about poorly run/funded state mental hospitals. There was incoherent screaming, yelling, sobbing, flailing, languishing. Relatives and friends were called, on speakerphone and FaceTime, at which point they were invited to join in on the cacophony of despair. The word FUCK was said, nay shouted, no less than 577 times all while my two young children looked on in horror and fear. Several folks had to excuse themselves to the garage or patio to talk to God in private, as was probably best given the circumstances. After all this, we still had to sing and open presents. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETIE!"
Dang.
How many times will double doink be said in their nationally televised games?
"Prior to the Super Bowl win, the Philly Special was fans picking up a prostitute on Admiral Wilson Boulevard and leaving a massive shit on her bed when they were done.
Fuck Ronde Barber for eternity."
Okay ya'll, I'll admit I haven't read this guy doing this schtick year after year, but just examining his "comedy" game this round, he seems like the absolute worst unfunny edgelord this side of chan10reddit fuckoffs. Even for the teams I hate he made me want to point out the inaccuracies.
Oh lighten up, hes just being funny!
No, no hes not. When you get so many facts wrong, it ceases to be satire.
Can't wait to see how many deflate jokes, cheating jokes and murder jokes they write about a team that has been to the super bowl 4 out of the last 5 years.
Whew, Browns dodged a bomb there. There was serious talk of trading the farm to get up to 1 to get Luck.
For any cord cutters out there (or anyone with a computer), PlutoTV added a new channel called NFL Rewind. Nonstop NFL games with all the extra cut out. Just plays. Pretty sweet.
Seeing how bad they were throughout Luck's career, I wouldn't say you dodged a bomb there (unless you were being sarcastic). It's actually commendable how succesful Luck was despite all the years of bad coaching, horrible management (thanks Ryan Grigson) and playing with an awful line. I'm not sure how he would've fared in a team even more disfunctional and in a tougher division, but he would've made the Browns at least more respectable and it would've been interesting to see if he would've been healthier there since the Browns, despite being bad, had some fairly decent lines or at least better ones than the Colts prior to the Ballard era.Quoting Skitch (view post)
Last edited by Philip J. Fry; 08-25-2019 at 02:30 AM.
We were so bad in every single other faction he wouldve been even worse here. I'm not saying we were better off without him, just that he wasn't a sure thing. We sure sucked during his career, but he didn't do shit for the Colts in that time either. He contributed to the Colts being in a 7 year spin cycle, going nowhere, being just good enough to avoid good draft picks and just bad enough to make no playoff threat.
I'm just saying trading our entire draft for him would have been disastrous, and that all the pundits that put the Colts in the Superbowl because "they have Luck" are the same morons that called Romo "elite" for years.
Which is worse? To be terrible, or to be just mediocre+ to make some playoffs but never go anywhere?
As bad as mediocrity is, I would've preferred that to 0-31
1-31 lol
Holy Shit!!Quoting Philip J. Fry (view post)
They made the playoffs with him a couple of times, including his first year in the league. How many times did the Browns make the playoffs in that timespan?Quoting Philip J. Fry (view post)
They even made it to the AFC Championship game with a modest roster.Quoting Dukefrukem (view post)
Sorry, typo.Quoting Skitch (view post)
Incredible video.Quoting Philip J. Fry (view post)