Spun's Ongoing Netflix Horror Reviews

[Spun Lepton]

Horror fans of Match-Cut, I'm gonna take a bullet for you. Or, rather, an indeterminate amount of bullets.

I will watch, or attempt to watch a horror film off of Netflix Instant every week. Naturally, I can't promise this will happen every single week, but I will try my damnedest. And then I will review them.

The rules are simple:
It must be listed under the Horror section on Netflix Instant.
It must be a movie I have never seen.

Welcome to my nightmare.

Index
04/09/13 VAMPEGEDDON
04/15/13 CITADEL
04/17/13 ROAD KILL
04/25/13 AMOK TRAIN
05/02/13 OSOMBIE
05/06/13 DEMONIC
05/13/13 SCOURGE
05/16/13 GRAVE ENCOUNTERS 2
05/18/13 5IVE GIRLS
05/24/13 ROSEMARY'S BABY
06/04/13 BURIED ALIVE

[Irish]

Subscribed. I won't have much, if anything to add, but I'm looking forward to these reviews.

[Spun Lepton]

VAMPEGEDDON
(2010; Miller)

I bet he tastes like bacon.

Netflix Says:
Sick of her dreadfully dull life, goth college girl Melissa attempts to harness the power of evil through an ancient book of spells. But while communing with supernatural spirits, she unleashes a wicked vampire hell-bent on terror and destruction.

Review:
A group of stupid-ass goths go into the woods with the express purpose of summoning the lamest vampire ever, because they don't like their town and they want to move away. If you like scenes where people walk, you are going to piss your pants with happiness at this one. If they ever create an Academy Award for Most Drawn-Out Walking Scenes, this will be the winner, hands-down.

It certainly won't win for sound. Why? Well, for starters, every single line - and I'm not exaggerating this -- every single line of dialogue is recorded in post-production. It seems our "film makers" believe they don't need any kind of sound recording equipment on-set. Along with the dialogue thing, there is no background noise. None. Night time, no crickets. Daytime, no birds, no traffic. Nothing. Occasionally something on-screen has foley, like a truck motor or another truck motor, but everything else? Fuck it. I can hear the decision-making, "Voices and shitty metal music and nothing else!"

Anybody wanna go for a walk?

The actors are freshly cut from the local woodlands, each of them delivering their lines like they're bored or confused. When they're supposed to shout or scream they hold back as if they're afraid to wake the neighbors.

I'm also confounded at why they would wait 45 minutes before resurrecting their main antagonist, especially considering the movie is only 75 minutes long. Of course, once he comes back to life it becomes apparent why. He's the most useless vampire ever. Hell, his minions do all the dirty work while he swooshes his arms, wiggles his fingers, and pontificates profusely.

In the end, I suppose I should count my blessings that it's as short as it is. Fifteen more minutes and my brain might attempt a daring escape through my nose.

Memorable Quote:
"Oh boy vampire freaks, fuck you!"
Final Score: 0/10
Nudity: 4/5
Gore: 1/5

[Spun Lepton]

CITADEL
(2012; Foy)


Would you like a copy of The Watchtower?

Netflix Says:
Months after a gang of feral children attack and kill his pregnant wife, agoraphobic young father Tommy is left to raise their daughter on his own. But his persistent visions of his late wife's attackers propel his phobia to menacing new heights.

Review:
A cowardly man witnesses his pregnant wife being attacked by three creepy kids in hoodies. Months later, he's taking care of their daughter, while the wife barely hangs on life-support. The creepy kids reappear and start to terrorize him. Soon he learns the kids are coming from a strange abandoned building. An infected building. And the kids aren't so much kids. They're semi-kids.

Rent, don't buy.

This really appealed to the Cronenberg fan in me. There's a lot of talk about infections and cancers. The kids remind me a bit of the kids in The Brood, but a bit more absurd.

As we learn about the kids, holes start appearing in the plot. It seems like the problem with these feral kids has escalated to the point where there would be some kind of public outcry. How are these kids wandering the streets of a fairly well-populated town at night and nobody but two people know about them? Not a single bus driver has seen them? They do seem to attack an awful lot of people.

When the characters enter the Citadel at the end, my suspension-of-disbelief strains under pressure. They crank up the weirdness and put the climax in a knee-slapper of a setpiece. It becomes absurdly unreal, but it's a bit absurd and a bit unreal from the start. So, it works for me.

Good fun and definitely worth a look.

Memorable Line:
"Kids? I don't see any kids! Do they look like kids to you?"

Final Score: 7/10
Nudity: 0/5
Gore: 1/5

[Philosophe_rouge]

I remember Citadel having a good deal of buzz at Fantasia, but the trailer really did absolutely nothing for me... but your review makes it kinda seem like I should probably bite the bullet and check it out.

[Spun Lepton]

ROAD KILL
(2010; Francis)


Maximum Underwhelm

Netflix Says:
Australia's barren Outback provides the setting for this hair-raising thriller about a massive driverless truck that runs four teenagers off the road and then becomes their personal hell-wagon after they try to drive it to safety.

Review:
Four unlikeable college-aged kids run afoul of a demon truck while on a camping trip. It runs them off the road and crashes their car. They later find the truck and steal it. But the truck is an evil truck that runs ON BLOOD!!

I've been thinking of the perfect vehicular analogy all day. This movie is stuck in neutral. When I put it on, I think, "I can deal with a cheap Duel rip-off." What a mistake. The story is one convoluted mess with only two scenes of vehicular mayhem.

So, they steal the truck, and the truck is sentient, I guess. It turns on soothing industrial music that lulls the kids to sleep. When they wake, they don't find themselves at any kind of interesting destination. Nope, the truck drove itself off-road and cornered itself on the side of a steep hill. And that's where it stays for at least half of the movie.

So, the group splits up, two stay with the truck, the other two go look for help. One guy climbs in the second trailer and comes out under the truck's spell, I guess. One chick wanders off in search of a shack she says she saw back down the road a ways, which makes no sense because she was just fucking asleep. Then she finds an abandoned house and there are some unmarked cans there, so what's she do? Why, yes, she pops one open and drinks it without hesitation. Isn't that what you would do? Oh, AND IT'S BLOOD!!

Let's drive in circles.

And later one chick finds a meat-processing factory in the first trailer. There is literally a conveyor belt moving human meat parts to a hole in the floor. I'm not making this shit up. And this is how she deals with the discovery: she freaks out and drives the truck. And then we get to see images of pistons with blood squirting through them. That's metal, dude.

And then, you're about half-way through the movie.

And bless these actors, they do try their damnedest with the material they're given. All of these characters are annoying. They're spiteful, jealous, shallow, stupid, angry people. Most of the performances are good. Both of the women are very good.

I suppose industrial music is a good choice for a movie about a truck that doesn't really drive anywhere and IT RUNS ON BLOOD!! But, did it only have to have two settings: off and blasting? Wasn't there a single moment when the music supervisor thought, "You know, music that doesn't demand attention away from the movie might work well for this scene."

What a mess.

Memorable Line:
"What did you do with my truck, Mona?"

Final Score: 2/10
Nudity: 1/5
Gore: 3/5

[Scar]

Ok, ok. I'll watch one with you. Just let me/us get drunk first.

[MadMan]

So Maximum Overdrive is not the worst killer truck movie ever? Hurray!

PS: Wait I forgot about Trucks. The Herse kind of counts I guess...

[Spun Lepton]

Ok, ok. I'll watch one with you. Just let me/us get drunk first.

You want me to call or text you when I'm about to watch something?

[Scar]

You want me to call or text you when I'm about to watch something?

Awwww... We could have a cyber movie date. Unfortunately, during the week, I'm on 'old man' sleep schedule.

[Spun Lepton]

AMOK TRAIN
a.k.a. Beyond the Door III
(1989; Kwinty)


Is that a Kwinty?

Netflix Says:
On a class field trip to Yugoslavia, a shy American college student finds herself inexplicably drawn into a world of black magic and devilish rituals. Things only get worse when she discovers that she's been handpicked to be the devil's bride.

Review:
Six two-dimensional college students travel to Yugoslavia on some kind of school trip. The guy they meet there brings them to a village, where the townsfolk waste no time attempting to kill them. While running away, the kids hop a passing train that is promptly possessed by Satan. It takes them on a hell ride as it hops the tracks and plows through forests and swamps and the kids start dying.

I admit it. I have a soft spot for Italian horror, so I can't completely hate this film. It's bad. Oh, it's very bad. But, there's an energetic gusto to all the ridiculousness, which is something Italian horror film makers seem to excel at. Random weird shit happens left and right. At one point the virgin girl demands proof that she's not going crazy, so her mother's ghost appears, announces who she is, and then fucking disappears! And that's it! Is this the work of Satan? Does he get off on non-sequiturs?

In the hospital for ... this again.

All the deaths are messy. Decapitation, impalement, one person is cut in two. One character peels off their own face and dies. The gore effects aren't all good, but there's enough of it to go around. I'm surprised when I see intestines, but then I think, fuckin' Italians, man.

The story seems written over one cocaine-fueled weekend. Who comes up with an idea about Satanists and then thinks "You know what would make this story pop? A runaway train." A number of scenes drag, so the whole thing seems longer than it is. Much of it plays like The Omen on a train, but with terrible dialogue and plenty of WTF moments.

The scenes where the kids pretend to be thrown around the train car while it drives off-track are hilarious, even if they do wear out their welcome after the second two-minute sequence. There's also several short scenes in Slavic with no subtitles, leaving you to make up your own dialogue. Shots of the model train are occasionally funny. "Just go outside and get some sticks off the ground, they'll look just like trees if we plant them upright."

The ending then ditches the train as the virgin is sent to be sacrificed. Unfortunately, she has a secret and it makes one guy literally explode. Fuckin' Italians, man.

Memorable Quote:
"Beverly, I'm your mother."

Final Score: 4/10
Nudity: 2/5
Gore: 4/5

[MadMan]

I want to see that movie now, haha. And the Italians are awesome at horror. I went back to DVD in the mail plus Instant Viewing so I will be watching as many of their horror movies as I can this year.

[Spun Lepton]

I have a new review brewing.

I may try my hand at turning these reviews into videos.

[Irish]

turning these reviews into videos.

Holy shit you HAVE to do this.

[Spun Lepton]

OSOMBIE
(2012; Lyde)


Dude, I'm SO high right now.

Netflix Says:
Dusty is on a mission to rescue her brother, a conspiracy theorist who's convinced Osama bin Laden is still alive. But while in Afghanistan, she discovers that the terrorist has risen -- and is building a zombie army to carry out his evil bidding.

Review:
A group of soldiers and two civilians battle the living dead while searching Afghanistan for a zombified Osama bin Laden. I wish I could say there's more than that to the story, but there isn't. Osombie occupies a perfect middle-ground, neither good nor bad. It's just there. I hate writing reviews for movies like this just because there really isn't much to talk about.

There's very little story, but the filmmakers keep things watchable with frequent zombie attacks. Most of the movie is the group of soldiers wandering the desert, talking about their home lives and riffing on pop culture. Then zombies attack, one of the group gets bit and dies. Rinse and repeat for the entire second act. I think the writer attempts to make the dialogue upbeat and tongue-in-cheek, but it's really not, and the actors deliver everything with such dryness that nothing is ever quite funny.

The discount Colin Farrell and friends.

The effects are, again, nothing more than serviceable. The film makers are smart enough not to linger on the make-up effects. CG effects are obvious, but used with some restraint. The occasional explosion is enhanced or completely created via CG. The zombie mayhem tends to be as tame any given Walking Dead episode, if not tamer.

I'm confounded at how easily the zombies sneak up on the soldiers. The group is standing in the middle of nowhere, miles and miles of desert are plainly visible, they're even standing in a circle, and suddenly a zombie pops up to gnaw on somebody's throat. Cue the sad music and lame attempts to be serious. Are you telling me some of these zombies have better stealth training than the U.S. military?

Admittedly, scenes of zombies being vaporized by high-powered rifles are fun. The acting is passable even if the dialogue is useless. The cinematography is all right, except for the scenes that utilize day-for-night, a practice that needs to fucking die a dishonorable death. Outside of a rare boom mic and continuity snafu, it's just competent.

I should mention the titular character has maybe five minutes of screen time. That's false damn advertising.

Memorable Quote:
"Thank you, Call of Duty."

Final Score: 5/10
Nudity: 0/5
Gore: 2/5

[megladon8]

Wow, he really does look like Collin Farrell :lol:

[Scar]

I have a new review brewing.

I may try my hand at turning these reviews into videos.

I'm so game to make guest appearances.

[Spun Lepton]

DEMONIC
a.k.a. Forest of the Damned
(2005; Roberts)


Death by halitosis.

Netflix Says:
A group of teens are lost in the forest when they hit a woman and their car breaks down. Splitting up to search for help, they encounter a bevy of wood nymphs who are as deadly as they are beautiful.

Review:
A group of annoying and stupid kids get lost in the woods and are attacked by naked goth chicks with long sharp nasty teeth. I wish I could say there's much more to it than this, but no.

Dear Johannes Roberts, director of Demonic, a.k.a. Forest of the Damned, I understand you like John Carpenter. Well, sir, you do have good taste, I'll give you that. But, don't you think you're laying it on a little thick? Your studio logo looks like the title card from The Thing, which comes off a little fanboyish to me. One character says, "You gotta be fucking kidding me," a couple times. Cute.

But, comparing yourself to him is pretty ballsy. The title card reads exactly "Johannes Roberts' Demonic". Another poorly thought out ode to Carpenter, maybe? Maybe.

Even being in the movie is boring.

I do know Demonic is boring. It's godawful boring. It is like Johannes Roberts wrote a thirty-page script and then shot an eighty-five minute movie with it. It's intensely plodding, scenes go on and on, shots hold and hold and hold for unbelievable amounts of time. I lost count of how many times I shouted, "Get on with it," after the camera would hold on the final shot of the scene, the person staring off and off and off until it starts to become awkward. How long is she going to stare at -- oh, next scene.

The "wood nymphs" are more awkward than scary or sexual. Tom Savini, who has first billing, shows up for about five minutes, confuses the plot further, and then dies. The characters are British, except for one who is American, who is played by a British woman doing a terrible American accent. Why not just have her be British, too?

Johannes Roberts, you are no Carpenter.

Memorable Line:
"Emilio! Tell your friends to stop staring at my breasts."

Final Score: 1/10
Nudity: 4/5
Gore: 3/5

I Was Too Intoxicated to Remember Much About This Movie Mini-Review!
Day of the Dead (2008; Miner) -- Goofy undercranked hyper-zombies chase Mena Suvari and an intensely irritating Nick Cannon through the city. There's a vegetarian zombie. I cringe at everything that comes out of Nick Cannon's mouth. I cheer his death. Lacks polish, might be unfinished. A disaster.
Final Score: 3/10

[MadMan]

Well at least Spun you admit you watch some of these drunk haha.

Someone should remake Forest of the Damned and make it super cool. A movie with that title deserves to be awesome.

[Spun Lepton]

SCOURGE
(2008; Quastel)


Please don't make me watch it again.

Netflix Says:
When a local church burns down, an ancient evil creature is awakened and soon wreaks havoc on the small town of Harborford, Wash. The population slowly shrinks as the so-called "scourge" travels from body to body

Review:
A church burns down and a tentacled CG penis with teeth travels from body to body with a distinct goal of ... doing something. A pair of terrible actors chase the little bugger around town and try to stop it, all while learning of its rich, magical history.

Hey, I know. Let's make a movie like The Hidden, but instead of the monster being an alien, let's make it, I dunno, demonic. That should make its mythology nice and convoluted. We can also use it as an excuse to fill all kinds of time with pseudo-religious mumbo-jumbo. Win-win! At times, it should play like a serious film, and others, like a goofy comedy. Trust me, viewers love a confused tone.

It's hard to say which is worse, the dialogue or the acting. The dialogue is bland and obvious, as if written by somebody schooled by young adult sitcoms. Smitten characters finish each others' sentences. Ugh. And the actors don't help matters by being stiff and unbelievable. The two leads are particularly wooden, unable to deliver a single convincing line. But, was it bad acting that made the lines seem like crap, or were the lines too crap for the acting to be very convincing? I think both.

Joey was not a proud man.

So, the CG penis monster lives in people for a few hours before needing to move to another body. It leaves through the mouth and enters the bellybutton. Not once does somebody address the lack of blood on the person the monster enters. Do the filmmakers really think the bellybutton is something that can be penetrated without injury?

The women it takes over turn into vixens who get all hookered-up and seek out a male to hang on before the penis monster is let loose. But, the guys turn into lumbering zombies who wear bathrobes and underpants to wander around in traffic. Why the behavioral discrepancy?

And do they all need to keep belching? Do we need to hear their stomachs gurgling every thirty seconds? Don't you think their need to constantly and comically eat is tonally inconsistent with the seriousness of the rest of the movie? Isn't it enough for the audience to see the monster pass to the new person, do you have to repeatedly disgust us?

The film is also godawful slow and repetitive. There is one point where, without checking the time, I'm convinced the film is about to end. But, then it doesn't. It goes on for at least twenty more minutes.

Memorable Line:
"No psychotic killer can make anything this goofy."

Final Score: 2/10
Nudity: 1/5 + something for the ladies
Gore: 3/5

[MadMan]

That was your funniest review yet Spun. "Joey was not a proud man."=:lol:

[Spun Lepton]

GRAVE ENCOUNTERS 2
(2012: Poliquin)


Admit it, you yawned.

Netflix Says:
A year after a film crew spent a fatal night there, a new team is entering the halls of Collingwood Psychiatric Hospital in search of the truth. What they discover will make believers out of all of them. That is, any who live to tell the tale.

Review:
Fueled by rumors that the original Grave Encounters movie is fact, a group of young documentary filmmakers investigate the haunted asylum used in the film. Results are pretty much what you'd expect.

I will address the first question that comes to your mind. No, you do not have to have seen the first movie to understand the sequel. While it does continue the events of the original, the sequel provides enough ongoing information to follow what little there is to follow.

Much like the first, there is a lot of running and wild swinging camera movements. Ghosts appear, their faces turn grotesque, and they chase the leads around for a bit. This is pretty much entire package for the original, so the sequel seeks to create a mythology behind the haunting. Just enough to break the tedium, but not enough to add any suspense or atmosphere.

Just kiss and get it over with.

It labors under a pile of derivative ideas. Aside from the catalyst of the story, which seems lifted from Human Centipede 2 of all things, their shiny new mythology has been seen in countless other films. The haunting is caused by a mad doctor who experimented on his patients, but also dabbled in the occult. Sound familiar? The worst offense is a sequence where the group escapes the asylum, goes back to their hotel, gets on the elevator, and when the doors open they're back at the asylum! Surprise!

The acting, dialogue, and editing are all solid enough to keep things watchable. It maintains a decent pace once the group finally gets to the asylum. I'm as shocked as anybody to say that I found myself engaged at times. But, I wonder if this is because my standards for Netflix horror have bottomed out and watching something half-way competent is a relief.

Overall, a little better than the original, but nothing to get excited about.

Memorable Quote:
"He took the real world and the spirit world and he mashed them together!"

Final Score: 6/10
Nudity: 0/5
Gore: 1/5

[Skitch]

Did you like the first Grave Encounters? While I recognize its hardly a great film, it did scare the ever loving shit outta me.

[Spun Lepton]

I remember being on the fence about it. I thought it had a few good moments, but overall it was fairly tedious. 5/10

I'd be curious to hear what you think of the sequel, Skitch.

[Skitch]

I remember being on the fence about it. I thought it had a few good moments, but overall it was fairly tedious. 5/10

I'd be curious to hear what you think of the sequel, Skitch.

I'm working up the courage. That first one...I don't know man. Something about it just tapped into some inner thing that scares the bejesus out of me. I think I also watched it in perfect conditions...loud as hell, empty house, by myself...full moon...