Eagle Eye: A Running Diary

[Raiders]

Don't know how good this really is, but since I legitimately went through the effort, I'll post it:

• ·Hm, the Middle East? Let me check the box. Nope, it's the right movie. The known presence of Shia Labeouf leads my mind to wander to the awesomeness (read: horrible-ness) of those desert scenes in Transformers.
• ·Wait, The Commish is in this?
• ·All these images the Americans are seeing are being relayed via a camera from a spinning paper airplane? Nobody notices this?
• ·Computer comes back with a 51% positive match, but recommends aborting the mission. The president, naturally, does not listen to it nor the Commish and orders the strike. How much are they wasting on this project nobody seems to think is accurate?
• ·Ka-boom.
• ·Shia returns to his run-down apartment after using Jedi mind tricks to beat someone at poker in the back room of his job at Copy Cabana. OMG. He's behind on his rent. But wait, he has the money he just took from his coworker. Does the Copy Cabana not pay its employees? Or is he spending all that money on hookers? Maybe he sucks at poker? How sad.
• ·Nice cell phone. Did Verizon give him that for free or does he pay that before his rent?
• ·His brother is dead and he has returned home for the funeral. His dad disapproves of his irresponsible ways. Tries to give him money, but he refuses. Cut to a forlorn Shia holding a check for $10,000. Ummm...
• ·Uh-oh. His bank account shows $751,000, of which all of it seems to be withdrawing. Apparently this ATM does not cap itself at $500 like mine do.
• ·Shia finds a bunch of packages at his house he did not order. Who signed for these?
• ·Oh, phone just rang. Sexy but steely voice tells Shia to leave. He doesn't. FBI gets bad-ass.
• ·Billy Bob! He asks some useless questions then enacts Bush's staying of suspected terrorists' rights and to be held for as long as necessary. FOR-EV-ER.
• ·Hey look. Michelle Monaghan as a MILF. Single MILF too. Her son looks suspiciously older than I would have imagined. Mommy's little "whoops?"
• ·Rosario Dawson. Also hot. She works for the Air Force, as did Shia's now dead brother, and threatens Billy Bob to cooperate. He laughs as only Billy Bob can.
• ·Michelle Monaghan gets a call from same bad-ass lady who called Shia. Michelle's son, on his way to play his trumpet at a DC concert, is aboard a train. Phone bitch threatens to de-rail. Therefore, unlike Shia, Michelle listens. She ditched her friends at the bar. She expecting them to pick up the tab? Typical.
• ·Phone bitch (hereafter called PB) intercepts Shia while he is making his allowed phone call; causes crane to smash through window thus freeing Shia.
• ·Shia ignores her command to switch trains, so she causes the train to run backwards. Shia now listens and exits.
• ·Michelle and Shia meet at the same car. Porsche, too. This PB rolls with style. They quickly drive away pursued by the fuzz.
• ·They have arrived at a steel/industrial park where PB is causing the giant claws to destroy all cop cars. Shia and Michelle (hereafter referred to as S&M) make it onto a barge. Billy Bob is mad. Rosario leaves for DC.
• ·S&M, after getting instructions from PB, are wandering through some small desert when a van begins to approach (no sign of Kevin Spacey). The man driving is also being manipulated by PB and throws the keys to Shia and declares he is not chauffeuring them and leaves. PB gets angry and causes the telephone lines to surge and snap, electrocuting said man. His affiliation with this movie is over. Lucky him.
• ·PB now tells S&M to drive to Indianapolis, which they do. But, not before Shia throws a temper tantrum after Michelle suggests his brother was a terrorist. They reconcile.
• ·In Indianapolis, S&M are instructed by PB to rob a couple of armored car guards of their shiny briefcase. They succeed. Hopefully the guards are now behind a desk.
• ·Awesome. The guards just shot up a passing car in pursuit of S&M. They should now be placed on latrine duty.
• ·S&M escape onto a bus of Asian sightseers. They look at the brief. It has a red digital readout. They assume bomb, but Shia cracks that coffee makers have RDRs too. He so crazy.
• ·Billy Bob shows up after S&M have escaped. He FREAKS OUT on the poor guards, threatening what I can only assume is latrine duty. He is still clueless. Obviously a brilliant ploy to place Billy Bob in the mindset of the viewer.
• ·We are now at a mall where PB instructs S&M to go and find a change of clothes. Naturally, Shia refuses and demands a face-to-face meeting. So, PB explains she is in the HD section of Circuit City (clearly its association with this movie is what caused it to go bankrupt). They go there, and...
• ·OMG. She’s a frakkin’ computer!!! (OK, so I kind of already knew)
• ·Heh. The computer bitch, now CB, just cracked on Shia and his inferiority to his brother. Michelle feels bad.
• ·Rosario is introduced to the computer program which we saw at the beginning of the film. Her name is Aria. Wait… it’s PB—CB! Anthony Mackie shows up looking very sad to be here.
• ·Aria tells S&M to go to the airport in their new super secret disguises (seriously Superman, eat your heart out).
• ·They are spotted at the airport by Billy Bob! Damn those disguises!
• ·This sequence of riding the baggage conveyor belts was better handled in Toy Story 2. Anyway, they have escaped Billy Bob. They now enter the cargo hold of a military plane.
• ·UH-OH. The package reaches zero on its RDR! They uh, don’t seem concerned. WTF?
• ·It’s filled with super secret injections to slow your heart rate. Wow. Is that like a MacGuffin?
• ·While Rosario and Anthony are researching footage of what happened to Shia’s brother (he worked and seemingly developed Aria), Aria starts creating data corruption. Rosario gets the picture. Call it female intuition.
• ·They are now explaining this to the Commish in a sealed room where Aria cannot patch into any network. Apparently though, she can scan the vibrations on the coffee mug and pick up what they’re saying. Whatever.
• ·S&M are in DC and now at the Pentagon. Aria leads them to her. Shia realizes that Aria killed his brother to stop him from shutting Aria down after he discovered her plot to overthrow the government (apparently she watches a lot of Bond movies through the airwaves in her spare time).
• ·She uses Shia’s identical DNA to his brother to unlock her programming. Now she instructs Michelle to kill Shia or her son will die. She can’t kill him. Apparently Shia is cuter than her son. Understandable.
• ·Back on line, Aria locks the Commish in a room while Anthony and Rosario go to shut that computer bitch down.
• ·Shia is now captured by Billy Bob while some other guy under Aria’s persuasion takes Michelle.
• ·Billy Bob winds up believing Shia (how could you deny that cute face?) and they go to the Capitol building to stop the State of the Union since Aria’s plan will be to blow up Congress and the President.
• ·Michelle is given a dress and a necklace with an explosive stone to wear and a ticket to the State of the Union. She pleads with the guy to help her, but he says “bitch, you’re on your own.”
• ·Aria sends a drone to blow up Billy Bob and Shia. She partially succeeds as Billy Bob sacrifices himself to kill the drone allowing Shia to escape.
• ·Anthony and Rosario get back to Aria and bust some ass on her. Rosario finally takes out her CPU and both her and Anthony fall into a lake at the bottom of Aria’s room… Wait, what? There’s a small fishing pond down there? Anyway…
• ·Shia reaches the Capitol building. Apparently, there is only one semi-armed guard at the entrance. This guard also apparently was borrowed from the local mall as Shia whoops his ass.
• ·So, the plan is now set. :: deep breath:: Michelle’s son is to play at the State of the Union instead of the Kennedy Center. This was switched at the last minute by two government officials, assumedly under Aria’s blackmail. His trumpet was stolen by the charred man from the van and implanted with a device that, at a certain pitch, will trigger the explosive crystal around Michelle’s neck. This necklace was cut by someone else under Aria’s persuasion we saw briefly earlier. This explosion will naturally kill everyone there.
• ·Shia busts his way into the congressional hall while Michelle runs toward her son she now sees. It is all leading up to the final high ‘F’ that will trigger the bomb (I know this because the filmmakers have provided a handy staff at the bottom of the screen). It’s closer, CLOSER, CLOSER…
• ·Shia saves the day by standing in the middle of the room and firing his gun into the air. He is shot down. OMG is he dead?
• ·Nope! There he is. Standing next to good ol’ dad, receiving some commendation. Dad looks proud. All it took was for Shia to be manipulated by a SkyNet wannabe and get shot three times while saving the entire legislative and executive branch of the government.
• ·Shia shows up at Michelle’s son’s birthday party. They kiss. In one year Shia went from jonesing for high school senior Megan Fox to playing tonsil hockey with a MILF of a boy about 9-or-10 years old. Playa.
• THE END

[Dukefrukem]

I read though all of this and found it amusing. The movie is a non stop "roller coaster" (god that term gets overused in previews) ride ... but as the running diary indicates above, its got tons of silly typical inconsistencies. Shea would have been plastered with bullets at the end.

[Ivan Drago]

I read though all of this and found it amusing. The movie is a non stop "roller coaster" (god that term gets overused in previews) ride ... but as the running diary indicates above, its got tons of silly typical inconsistencies. Shea would have been plastered with bullets at the end.

This and it has the single worst car chase in recent memory. What the fuck was going on there?

[Dukefrukem]

This and it has the single worst car chase in recent memory. What the fuck was going on there?

Yeh that was pretty outrageous. The fact remains, I was entertained.

[Sycophant]

Raiders, it's probably pretty good, but at its core, you're still describing the plot of what would seem to be a pretty boring shitty movie. As such, I pressed 'stop' at approximately 20 minutes, though I skipped around to find some of the more humorously outrage-sounding bullshit and checked to see if it had the kind of ending this kind of movies it supposed to have; it did.

...So what horrible twist of fate got you in the theater for this?

[Raiders]

...So what horrible twist of fate got you in the theater for this?

Pay-per-view, actually. My wife wanted to watch it. I thought it looked ridiculously stupid, so I thought I would chronicle the journey. But, I found it difficult to really say too much negative on my own while actually watching the movie (and didn't want to editorialize after the fact) so I mainly stuck to letting the lame plot indict itself.

[Sycophant]

so I mainly stuck to letting the lame plot indict itself.

That it did, sir. That it did.

[chrisnu]

I was getting annoyed just by reading that. Hopefully Billy Bob made it a little fun.

[Morris Schæffer]

I was entertained, but the movie does become progressively lamer! Also, we no longer talk about The Commish when discussing all things Chiklis. It's Vic Motherfucking Mackey.