Transformers: Hopefully The Last One (Michael Bay)

[TGM]

Fuck it, who cares.

[TGM]

Jesus. Fucking. Christ. I whole heartedly owe Dark of the Moon an apology for all the shit I talked about it, because compared to this, that film is a god damn five star masterpiece. And for that matter, every single other movie that I talked shit about this year is officially off the hook, too. I have seen some shit in my life, but I didn't think movies could get this bad. Because quite frankly, this may very well be the absolute worst fucking movie I have ever seen in my goddamn life. Like, my god, what the fuck was that?!

[Stay Puft]

Sold!

[Ezee E]

Fuck it, who cares.

What made you interested?

[Ivan Drago]

I keep seeing the trailers for this before every movie I see, and I tell myself, "That looks fucking awesome."

Then I tell myself, "Do NOT fall for the trap."

That kept me from seeing Age of Extinction when it came out.

[Skitch]

Sounds like every Bay Transformers. Im in.

[TGM]

What made you interested?

I actually liked the previous entry. :(

In fact, before now, DotM was the only one I hadn't liked.

[TGM]

Sounds like every Bay Transformers. Im in.

God, if only this were actually like his other movies...

[Dukefrukem]

The third entry might be the best- the 3D was impressive during the skydive sequence.

[TGM]

Age of Extinction
Transformers
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Revenge of the Fallen
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Dark of the Moon
-
-
-
-
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The Last Knight

[Dukefrukem]

Are you sure you're not mixing up Dark of the Moon and Revenge of the Fallen?

[TGM]

Are you sure you're not mixing up Dark of the Moon and Revenge of the Fallen?

100% positive. DotM was boring as shit and insufferable to sit through. RotF I actually enjoyed the first time around, just found it sorta meh on a rewatch.

[Henry Gale]

At this point, I actually look at the original as the weakest because it's the dullest of the bunch, despite being the least offensive of them and the one that arguably holds together best as an actually functional movie.

The rest are just so fucking LSD-laced batshit that they provide an entertainment value beyond ever having to contemplate whether or not what I'm watching is actually "good", because it's just so unlike anything any rational minds would ever come up with that I just marvel at them. (And they provide some gorgeous landscapes while staging some gripping action in between, since I don't think anyone should ever question Bay on his instincts there.)

The Bud Light truck crash scene in Age of Extinction is just the peak of insanity of all corporate filmmaking. I think about that scene so often.

[Skitch]

Yep, I'm with Henry!

IF Bay is serious this time about stepping away, what should happen going forward (because they will make more)? I would love to see a more real actual movie instead of just nonsense (obviously), but who could direct? Removing obvious choice of JJ. I would like to see one set in the 70s, a smaller contained story instead of a world-ending threat. A George Miller Transformers would be mind melting.

[Mal]

Unless I die or my sister changes her mind about these movies between now and Sunday.... I'll be seeing this over the weekend. Most reluctant viewing ever in my life.

[Dead & Messed Up]

I stopped after the second.

I'm happy.

[Peng]

Yeah, I kinda enjoyed the first one. Then stopped dead after the second and never look back.

[Ivan Drago]

I love how we're talking about the last movie we saw in this series as if we quit a bad addiction. :D

I stopped after the third.

[number8]

Out of the two I bothered to watch, I liked the first because of how much Spielberg DNA was in it simmering under the Bayhem, so I guess if I had to pick a replacement director, I'd like to see Spielberg.

[Dukefrukem]

Out of the two I bothered to watch, I liked the first because of how much Spielberg DNA was in it simmering under the Bayhem, so I guess if I had to pick a replacement director, I'd like to see Spielberg.

If I remember correctly the teaser trailer was very Spielbergian as well.

[Spinal]

I stopped after Armageddon.

[Henry Gale]

Out of the two I bothered to watch, I liked the first because of how much Spielberg DNA was in it simmering under the Bayhem, so I guess if I had to pick a replacement director, I'd like to see Spielberg.

Dark of the Moon's opening has a Spielbergian feel to it as well, since I think I remember hearing at one point that he came up with the idea for it. But hoo boy, after the last one and what I gather about this new one, I can't imagine Steven wanting to associate himself with these anymore outside of his now-vague EP credit. (Assuming the other one you saw was Revenge of the Fallen.)

And yet I kiiiinda feel like saying they're worth watching just because they're so singularly, magnificently insane. (As in, astonishingly juvenile while also being visually stunning to behold more often than not.)

[Morris Schæffer]

Definitely more of a dotm than a rotf (rolling on the floor?) Guy. First one is tops, perhaps one of the 5 best scored blockbusters of the past 10 years.

[number8]

Dark of the Moon's opening has a Spielbergian feel to it as well, since I think I remember hearing at one point that he came up with the idea for it. But hoo boy, after the last one and what I gather about this new one, I can't imagine Steven wanting to associate himself with these anymore outside of his now-vague EP credit. (Assuming the other one you saw was Revenge of the Fallen.)

IIRC, Spielberg was very heavily involved with the first movie. Aside from coming up with the premise, Kurtzman and Orci said he personally approved and gave notes on every draft of the script. But then he stepped away in the second and third movie and assumed more traditional EP duties.

As far as I know, he wasn't involved at all in 4 and 5, since Dreamworks split up with Paramount in the middle of making 3 and no longer co-producing these movies.

[Sycophant]

I haven't seen a single one of these, and considering what I've read about them I probably never will (if I have 2.5 hours, I'll watch a Kurosawa film I've never gotten around to seeing). But I do find the image of a giant robot with a sword pretty seductive. So I almost saw the first one that had a robot with a sword on the poster.

You're welcome for my take.

[Henry Gale]

But I do find the image of a giant robot with a sword pretty seductive. So I almost saw the first one that had a robot with a sword on the poster.

What if I were to tell you the second has a robot with wrecking balls for testicles? :cool:

[Sycophant]

What if I were to tell you the second has a robot with wrecking balls for testicles? :cool:

I would frown, furrow my brow, and look mournfully out the window until my muscles turned to dust and my bones fell to the floor.

[Henry Gale]

I would frown, furrow my brow, and look mournfully out the window until my muscles turned to dust and my bones fell to the floor.

Oh, so not as seductive. Ok keeewwl. Good to know, good to know.

Definitely don't watch this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2V_LmUEtPMs) then.

[Ezee E]

Yeah. The first three sucked me in with clever trailers and "Bay goes Spielberg" hopes. I liked Pain & Gain too, which I think opened me up to try three.

Never again. Despite the glitz, when it's in play, the action comes across pretty horribly, and I hate the dumb gag jokes in between. Plus, they're so damn long.

[number8]

I've been reading spoilers and this movie sounds fucking insane.

Stanley Tucci is Merlin the wizard??

Shakespeare, Abe Lincoln, and Harriet Tubman are part of a secret order that protected Transformers on Earth throughout the ages, called the Order of the Witwiccans, which is a secret order of wiccans protecting the Witwicky family lineage.

Hitler was assassinated by a Transformer on the Witwiccans' orders.

The reason Transformers keep being drawn to Earth over centuries is because Earth is secretly Unicron all along.

Jesus.

[Skitch]

Hahahaha I love all that. Complete insanity.

[Morris Schæffer]

This makes it even more hilarious!!

http://lrmonline.com/news/transformers-how-far-the-writers-room-progressed-and-why-michael-bay-returned-to-series

[TGM]

I've been reading spoilers and this movie sounds fucking insane.

Stanley Tucci is Merlin the wizard??

Shakespeare, Abe Lincoln, and Harriet Tubman are part of a secret order that protected Transformers on Earth throughout the ages, called the Order of the Witwiccans, which is a secret order of wiccans protecting the Witwicky family lineage.

Hitler was assassinated by a Transformer on the Witwiccans' orders.

The reason Transformers keep being drawn to Earth over centuries is because Earth is secretly Unicron all along.

Jesus.

No joke, there's a solid 30-45 minute segment that is nothing but pure exposition trying to tie all of this nonsense together, with brief breaks only to insert jokes so immature they'd make even the first few movies in this series blush. And the longer it goes, the more and more stupid I felt sitting there watching it...

[Spinal]

All morning, in my head I've been making up lyrics to that Flaming Lips song from the trailer.

"Do you realize ... that Michael Bay ... someday ... will die?"

[TGM]

So someone requested that I review this movie, and this rambling mess is my attempt to do just that: http://cwiddop.blogspot.com/2017/06/my-transformers-last-knight-review.html

[Mal]

This could have been 90 minutes long, the young girl had hair in her face the whole time. The script is terrible. Transformers helped Harriet Tubman and killed Hitler.
Explosions. Mansplaining. Tucci. Ugh.

[Skitch]

Hydra thanks you for your service.

[Lazlo]

I'm going tonight!

[Wryan]

...the young girl had hair in her face the whole time...

Ha, that bothered me in the trailer too. Every single shot. Girl tighten your shit up.

[Morris Schæffer]

I'm going tonight!

Godspeed my friend.:D

[Ezee E]

I'm going tonight!

First things said in a Match Cut Transformers thread.

[Lazlo]

It was horrible!

[Morris Schæffer]

It was horrible!

But you're alive! You made it!! That's what matters.

[Henry Gale]

Oh, I saw this last Friday.

Been thinking about it a lot, as it is certifiably crazy, but I keep coming back to the thought that it almost felt like, I dunno, a real movie this time? Like it doesn't have nearly as much juvenile, pervy, racist, crude, offensively stupid stuff in it as all of the other ones. It's almost as if our Mikey Bay.. *stifles a tear* might'a done grown up?

The scope of action in the final act and the way that Bay uses the camera to navigate it (especially in 3D) is stunning, and outside of a segment in the middle of jawdroppingly silly exposition in Anthony Hopkins' castle (and yeah, everything 8 mentioned is true, but seeing how it plays out is where you will truly guffaw) the pace is better than in any of the series since.. the first one(?). It just looks and feels as sleek as ever while also almost finds ways to actually showcase characters and give them emotional growth, all while providing galaxy spanning adventure with insanely convoluted mythology and plot mechanics to just make planets collide and swords to appear in Marky Mark's hand. It's a total mess, but it also finds ways to be remarkably compelling more often than not. It's trash, but almost like re-appropriated art-piece type, where you're meant to marvel at its ugly inadequacies, to peer deeply into how it has been marred by the destructive nature of our ecology, this varnished product that leaves the corporate womb pristine for consumption, with its parent company not caring how it may rot and die once it leaves its doors, while we're left with it in the outside world past the point of it having a function.

I may have the lost the metaphor somewhere there, but these movies inspire my brain to re-wire like that. I like to think more for good in me than the bad they clearly are themselves. I'm so tempted to give it a yay up there, since I'm compelled to only say (backhandedly) positive things about it, but I fear it's a love that is not reciprocated. These movies clearly hate me, as much as I may always find ways to love them.

[TGM]

Oh, I saw this last Friday.

Been thinking about it a lot, as it is certifiably crazy, but I keep coming back to the thought that it almost felt like, I dunno, a real movie this time? Like it doesn't have nearly as much juvenile, pervy, racist, crude, offensively stupid stuff in it as all of the other ones. It's almost as if our Mikey Bay.. *stifles a tear* might'a done grown up?

... Did we watch the same movie?! o.O

[Dukefrukem]

Match Cut's most controversial movie of the year!

[Lazlo]

I've always enjoyed the previous installments (and Bay's films in general) to a point. They've at least each had a signature action moment or setpiece that really pops and ends up being worth the price of admission in IMAX 3D. Thinking about the skydiving and building collapse in 3, the whole end sequence in 2, the high-wire thing in 4, blanking on one in the first at the moment. This one didn't have that for me. I'm surprised to see Henry praise the final battle because it really felt underwhelming. The car chase in London was neat but too short.

Overall there's a lack of pace and continuity. Scenes (and shots and lines of dialogue within scenes) just butt up against each other with no sense of what came before in terms of flow and narrative structure. It's a whole movie of non sequiturs.

Yes, there's less "juvenile, pervy, racist, crude, offensively stupid stuff", but it's replaced by tedious bits about Wahlberg and Haddock's love lives, Hopkins' off-kilter quipping, and the inept and unlikable robot butler character. And sooo much exposition. Military guys standing around tables, JPL Buster Bluth, Hopkins' entire raison d'etre, etc. And it's long as hell.

The whole thing is inept.

[Dukefrukem]

I remember there being a forest battle in the first transformers, which would be really cool, if you could tell the difference between the transformers. It's just a jumbled silvery-gray mess. It wasn't until the second movie where they made the colors distinct.

The things I remember about the second movie was racist robots, a Pyramid set-piece and giant transformer scrotum.
The third movie is by far the best, with as you said Lazlo, the skydiving sequence between buildings. That was phenomenal. Doesn't Prime flat out execute Decepticon too?
And I don't remember a single plot point about the 4th movie except a really cool transformer walking down a country road with a sniper rifle as a head and a T-Rex Transformer that was supposedly hibernating on earth or something.

[TGM]

The forest battle was from the second movie. ;)

[Dukefrukem]

The forest battle was from the second movie. ;)

Then maybe it took them three movies to distinguish between transformers in fights. heh.

[Skitch]

The first had a great freeway chase and the end bit in the city was cool.

The best part of that forest fight was Optimus flipping a decepticon up like he was gonna reverse suplex him, then tossing him up and kicking straight through its face. The hucklebuck.

[Dukefrukem]

The first had a great freeway chase and the end bit in the city was cool.



Oh you mean the Island had a great freeway chase?



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qo0qbSJmQfo

[TGM]

Oh you mean the Island had a great freeway chase?



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qo0qbSJmQfo

He was talking about the first movie. What you provided came from the third movie. :p

[Skitch]

Oh you mean the Island had a great freeway chase?


I think some of that was from Bad Boys 2. :p

Anyway I was talking about this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QYQS9SYa6A

Its still impressive to see the marriage of digital and practical as Bonecrusher tears through that bus.

[Lazlo]

Oh you mean the Island had a great freeway chase?



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qo0qbSJmQfo


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHZKDMF7LdQ

Maybe that, which is pretty cool.

I always liked the one in Dark of the Moon regardless of the re-used shots. I geeked out when Bumblebee transformed and threw Sam into midair, did some fighting, and then caught Sam again.

Didn't they reuse all that stuff from The Island because a stuntman died shooting the car chase they had planned? Thought I heard that somewhere.

[number8]

It wasn't a stuntman and she thankfully didn't die. It was an extra driving one of the background cars in the freeway when a stunt car's cable snapped and sliced the car she was driving and part of her head. Paramount gave her an $18MM settlement.

And yes, that is why they cancelled the stunt and recycled footage from The Island.

[Lazlo]

It wasn't a stuntman and she thankfully didn't die. It was an extra driving one of the background cars in the freeway when a stunt car's cable snapped and sliced the car she was driving and part of her head. Paramount gave her an $18MM settlement.

And yes, that is why they cancelled the stunt and recycled footage from The Island.

Thanks!

[Dukefrukem]

This was terrible.

[TGM]

I can't believe that Honest Trailers is the first review other than my own that I've seen actually bring up the insane aspect ratio issues with this movie.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CU4bFiU8F7Y