TOP THIRTY SEVEN TEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A MAN (NSFW!)

[bac0n]

I don't know about you guys, but I fucking dig being a man. When I wake up in the morning, I look down at my pee-pee and say, "hey, thanks for showing up again today, I appreciate it." I not only like being a man, I like feeling like a man. And this list is what that shit is all about. My top thirty seven ten favorite things that make me feel like a man!

Why, thirty seven, you ask? Well, why the fuck not? Communist. And what do I mean when I say "top ten thirty seven things"? I dunno. Being a man's about not giving a shit about making sense.

So, enough talking and shit, lets dig in!

[bac0n]

37 Pythons
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/pythons1.jpg

What They Are: Those things on your arms that allow you to throw goons through the air and through windows, and allow you to hold up the 200+ pounds of gold chains around your neck and give people piledrivers into a dumpster.

Why They Make Me Feel Like A Man: Pythons are what separate men from "the rest of the animal kingdom" (also known as "food"). I mean... have you ever seen a dog flex? And no, that bulldog from Tom & Jerry doesn't count. And more importantly, have you ever seen a dog piledriver a cat into a dumpster? Wouldn't that be totally awesome? HELL YEAH. I would totally buy tickets to see a movie with that shit going on. And then the mouse shows up with numchucks and the dog just laughs, but hah hah joke's on the dog cuz the mouse has numchucks and was trained by BRUCE LEE so he really knows his shit. Man, I can feel my chest hair growing just thinking about this shit.

[bac0n]

36 Ted Johnson
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/tedjohnson.gif

Who He Is: The pinnacle of fatherhood from the Red Meat strip (http://www.redmeat.com/redmeat/).

Why He Makes Me Feel Like A Man: We all know that only men can be Dads. Otherwise, you are what's known as a "Mom", or in certain circumstances, "a pet". Now, as evidenced by the true story depicted in the pictures above, part of being a man is having the courage to do what you kinda sorta think is right, no matter how drunk you are, poorly thought out the idea is, or how embarrassing the results will be. Ted Johnson is the model for this mindset, right down to the rubber mask and tobacco pipe.

[MadMan]

This list is 2-2 for so far. Red Meat is hilarious. I finally added that site to my favorites. This thread makes me feel manly damnit! *Crushes beer can against his head. Burps*

[Wryan]

http://www.capesius.com/images/man/pythons1.jpg

Goddamn. Was this pic necessary? He looks like he could remove his neck muscles and stick em in the microwave to create a heating pad for his neck.

[D_Davis]

37 Pythons
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/pythons1.jpg


Where is his penis?

[eternity]

I really hope #37 is just a really clever merger.

[Wryan]

Where is his penis?

Absorbed into thigh muscles.

[Derek]

*Eagerly waiting to see the placement of Chuck Norris Action Jeans*

[bac0n]

Where is his penis?

He has a penis?

[bac0n]

35 ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/rockyoulikeahurricane.jpg

What It is: Only the GREATEST SONG EVER, MAN!

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Because, um, it's, like, the greatest song ever, man! And not only that, it's the soundtrack to all the manliest things imaginable. What's the first song you hear when fighter jets zip by in a formation? Rock You Like A Hurricane. What's the song you hear when your drunk, you just grabbed the ass of some linebacker's girlfriend? Rock You Like A Hurricane. What's the song you hear when you're in your dorm room looking at latest victoria's secret catalog and you decide to, ya know, *wink*, and of course, right at that precise moment your roommate walks in and oh boy, talk about awkward? Rock You Like A Hurricane.

Warning: Click this link only if you want to feel like a man (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rB8HudfbaTE). If feeling like a man is not your thing, look at some flowers instead or something.

[bac0n]

34 Steak And A Blowjob Day
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/steakandablowjobdayjpg.jpg

What It Is: The Male Rebuttal To Valentines Day

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Do I even need to explain this one? Sheesh!

[MadMan]

#35 is simply and utterly amazing. I had never seen the music video before.

I didn't know that #34 existed :eek: And its in March too! My birthday month. Awesome.

[megladon8]

Wow...the manliness is kind of overwhelming.

Now that we have "pythons", will there be an entry later down the list for "guns"?

[Skitch]

Greatest thread of all time.

[bac0n]

33 Chuck Norris Action Jeans
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/chuck_norris_action_jeans.jpg

What They Are: The Pinnacle of Manly Fashion

Why They Make Me Feel Like A Man: Not only do these pants look DYNAMITE with a snakeskin belt, but they won't split in the ass when you try to high-kick Kareem Abdul Jabbar in the face. In fact, the only reason Bruce Lee wore that yellow jumpsuit in Game Of Death was because he couldn't get his hands on any Chuck Norris Action Jeans, cuz they'd been all sold out.

Science Fact: NASA at one time was pondering of using the material used to make Chuck Norris Action Jeans for the skins of their space shuttle, due to the pants' ability to withstand the super-luminal velocities and pressures that Chuck Norris subjects them to when he kicks someone in the face, but they decided against it because NASA's a bunch of fuckin' commies.

[bac0n]

32 Derek
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/derek.gif

Who he is: Fellow Match-Cut Poster

Why He Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Because he suggested I include Chuck Norris Action Jeans In This Thread.

[Sycophant]

I can't believe adult sizes were only $19.95.

[ledfloyd]

I can't believe adult sizes were only $19.95.

i wonder what would happen if you mailed that order form in.

[Duncan]

I can't believe adult sizes were only $19.95. Which begs the question: how much were children's sizes? Because I may have been a child when these came out, but my parents never bought me a pair. All these years I thought they loved me.

[MadMan]

Heh in regards to #33 and #32.

[number8]

I didn't know that #34 existed :eek:

Dropped the ball there, skipper.

I've been taking advantage of that holiday for years. It's effortless, really!

[Derek]

:lol:

Though even I wouldn't dare call myself more manly than a pair of Chuck Norris Action Jeans for fear of receiving a roundhouse to the face when I least expect it.

[Velocipedist]

Been done before. (http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress .com/)

[Scar]

Been done before. (http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress .com/)

You fail.

A list including vegan/vegatarianism should not be even thought of in the same category as a manly list.

Fail.
Fail.
Fail.

[Velocipedist]

Haha. So, man <> white. Who would've thought of that.

[Scar]

Haha. So, man <> white. Who would've thought of that.

Well, I'm sure I could start a similiar list to the one you linked and be branded a racist....

[Velocipedist]

There's no doubt that that list is racist.

On a side note, I know more male vegans/vegetarians than female ones. :)

[Scar]

There's no doubt that that list is racist.

On a side note, I know more male vegans/vegetarians than female ones. :)

I know a former vegetarian, thats about it.

EDIT: Make that two. Its hard to remember bac0n was one, with the Godly creations he comes up with involving meat.

[Skitch]

There's no doubt that that list is racist.

On a side note, I know more male vegans/vegetarians than female ones. :)

L.A....gay men, and used up porn whores.

[bac0n]

C'mon, we all know that being a Vegan means giving up your manlihood. The reason for it is simple: vegans can't wrestle. This is a FACT, proven time and time again by ME. I've wrestled a total of TWO vegans to the ground. TWO. And this was when I was a vegetarian, and not at full power like I am today. Both vegans fell before my lacto-ovo-fueled might!

[bac0n]

31 Number8
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/number8.jpg

Who He Is: Fellow Match-Cut poster, Artist, Writer, San Fransciscan

Why He Makes Me Feel Like A Man: At first, I was gonna write a big rant about Number8 being everything not-manly, on account of his living in San Francisco, being a talented writer and an artist and all that shit. And then it dawned on me. He sells these things:

http://cache.spreadshirt.com/image.php?type=image&partner_id=168003&product_id=2076992&img_id=1&size=huge&bgcolor_images=white

A Blood Red Barbecue Apron With A Picture Of A Fucking Zombie On It.

Now if that doesn't make me feel like a man, I don't know what does.

[bac0n]

30 This Picture
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/thispicture.jpg

What It Is: The Mona Lisa Of Our Modern Era.

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Dude, cyborg dinosaurs with missiles and lasers! Have you no pulse?

[Velocipedist]

Jurassic Trojan War FTW!

[MadMan]

Judging from his posts and everything I'd say that number8 is 100% manly. Without a doubt. That "Blood Red Barbecue Apron With A Picture Of A Fucking Zombie On It" pretty much seals the deal. Oh and bac0n I think you forgot that Dirty Harry lived in San Francisco, and he's one of the most badass silver screen characters ever.

That picture should be made into an avatar. Seriously. It may be one of the greatest things ever :eek:

[Sycophant]

That picture should be made into an avatar. Seriously. It may be one of the greatest things ever :eek:
The greatest things ever don't belong in avatars.

Know what makes me feel manly? Viewing this NSFW thread... AT WORK.

[rocus]

Yeah... when does the NSFW stuff start? This thread is getting a little girly.

[bac0n]

29 Wolf T Shirt Long Sleeve Mens-Large
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/wolfshirt.jpg

what It Is: The perfect compliment to Chuck Norris Action Jeans

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Just check out all the user comments (http://www.birkoph.com/Wolf_tshirt.htm) on this bad boy. For example:


My cawk grew 3 inches ever since i bought this bad ass shirt now my girl cant get enough of my 4 inch penis.


This shirt is made with bits of real wolves!


Thanks to your shirt, I now have 97, count em, 97 venereal diseases from every twat i've tapped since I bought your shirt. Even though I'm in a wheelchair and dripping with VD's, losing all my hair and my penis looks like something out of a sci-fi horror flick, my cum-stained wolf shirt still brings in the pussy.

[Sycophant]

I think my favorite comment from that page was from Stacy:

I just saw this guy with this exact same shirt on! He made my pussy all wet
This apparently is not a good thing, though, as she gave the product only one star.

All facetiousness aside, that is likely the most hideous thing that was arguably designed for wear.

[rocus]

29 Wolf T Shirt Long Sleeve Mens-Large
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/wolfshirt.jpg


The only way this could be more manly is if it was an XL, because then there would be X more wolfness.

[MadMan]

Originally Posted by WOLFMAN!!!
Thanks to your shirt, I now have 97, count em, 97 venereal diseases from every twat i've tapped since I bought your shirt. Even though I'm in a wheelchair and dripping with VD's, losing all my hair and my penis looks like something out of a sci-fi horror flick, my cum-stained wolf shirt still brings in the pussy. Disturbing and hilarious. It calls to mind Joe from Family Guy's catch phrase "GET SOME!!!"

Most of the other comments such are pretty much horrible/wrong/hilarious.

Yeah that jacket looks okay and all, but I wouldn't place it this high up on the list.

[Wryan]

29 Wolf T Shirt Long Sleeve Mens-Large
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/wolfshirt.jpg

what It Is: The perfect compliment to Chuck Norris Action Jeans

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Just check out all the user comments (http://www.birkoph.com/Wolf_tshirt.htm) on this bad boy. For example:

Ahem:

http://www.palmercash.com/product.asp?3=1422

[Wryan]

There's no doubt that that list is racist.

Oh come on. That blog is funny. It's about as racist as Lisa Lampanelli or Don Rickles.

[Velocipedist]

Oh come on. That blog is funny. It's about as racist as Lisa Lampanelli or Don Rickles.

Meh. It could be funny, but it's still racist. Take entry #69: mocking white people for liking Mos Def. That's ignorant, even as a joke, and it's racist towards Mos Def as well. What, should I believe Mos Def doesn't have any black fans?

[Wryan]

Meh. It could be funny, but it's still racist. Take entry #69: mocking white people for liking Mos Def. That's ignorant, even as a joke, and it's racist towards Mos Def as well. What, should I believe Mos Def doesn't have any black fans?

I read every entry in Jon Stewart's voice.

Like: "If you find yourself in a social situation where you are asked to list your favorite actor or artist, you should always say Mos Def. This way you can name someone that everyone has heard of and you don’t look like you are trying to one up anybody. The only possible negative consequence is some white people might think “I wish I had said that first."

Can you not hear that? That's the kind of sarcasm and irony she's going for. IMO, course.

[Velocipedist]

Haha, I'll have to look up clips of Jon Stewart on YouTube. I'm Romanian and I've never seen one of his shows.

Check.

Possibly, yeah, but, still, in that case, what's the point of the blog?

[This is the one, I'm not gonna derail this thread any more.]

[Sycophant]

Well, so far, it would appear that I am a bit more white than I am a man.

[Ezee E]

I'm definitely manly thus far, but am 1/7 white apparently.

[Sycophant]

There's almost nothing on that white people list that I don't like.

[Wryan]

Haha, I'll have to look up clips of Jon Stewart on YouTube. I'm Romanian and I've never seen one of his shows.

Check.

Possibly, yeah, but, still, in that case, what's the point of the blog?



No point beyond just being funny and sarcastic. :)

[bac0n]

28 Imagining What Rogue Would Look Like Naked
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/rogue.jpg

What It Is: Long-Standing Account In The Personal Spank Bank

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: One of the watermarks of manliness is sexual hubris, that delusion that hot babes have any interest at all in allowing our penises into their vaginas. That's why guys like me hate that no-talent assclown with an adams apple the size of The Big Apple Ric Ocasek for what he did back in 1989 when he married Paulina Porizkova. We all knew that if Ric wouldn't have married Paulina, we totally would have had a shot at her.

Now, there are those of us stalwarts, however, who took it one step further - those of us who had the serious hots for comic book babes, the pinnacle of which was, at least in the late 80s / early 90s, the X-Man southern bombshell, Rogue. And I'm not talking about the teen-age Anna Paquin version you see in the movies, I'm talking about the chick with the green and yellow spandex so tight on her well-hootered body that you could make out the texture of her ribs. Yeah. If she actually existed, and if she wasn't seeing that slack-jawed swamp jerkoff Gambit, and if prolonged skin contact with her wasn't lethal, she would totally be all over me.

[bac0n]

27 Twenty Pound Sledgehammer
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/sledge.jpg

What It Is: The Manliest Tool Ever

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Because it's big, heavy, clumsy, and exists solely for breaking the shit out of stuff that other people built, kinda like your typical man. And not only that, using it for its intended purpose - SMASHING - usually results in shrapnel flying all over the place for bonus damage to things like walls and eyeballs. This is why the sledgehammer, along with a turnkey-style bottle opener, are the only tools you really need.

The only good part of doing those stupid honey-do household projects is the time when you get to break shit with a sledgehammer. Have you ever put a hole in wall with one of these badboys? It feels like a blowjob and sounds like Rock You Like A Hurricane. At least that's what I think it does...

[bac0n]

26 Pythons
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/pythons2.jpg

What They Are: Kingdom Animalia, Phylum Chordata, Class Reptilia, Suborder Serpentes, Infraorder Awesomeus

Why The Make Me Feel Like A Man: FACT: They're named after muscles. FACT: When they want a steak, they frickin' swallow an entire cow. FACT: They make great belts and excellent substitutes for feather boas. FACT: They don't take no shit from nobody - pythons kept as pets have been known to kill their owners. HAHAHAHAHAHA, PWNED!

[rocus]

Once I was helping a friend remodel his house and we had to break out both of his steel bathtubs with a sledgehammer. It was fun. I mean manly.

[Kurosawa Fan]

I'm pretty sure you need to add "Will it Blend?" (http://www.willitblend.com/) to your list. Watching that stuff makes me feel manly.

A sample (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg1ckCkm8YI) of their work.

[bac0n]

Oh yeah, I saw a clip of him once upon a time blending an iPod. I would pay good money to see him try to blend Hulk Hogan.

[number8]

Well, now I can't disapprove of this thread.

[MadMan]

Gotta love sledgehammers. You just do. I think Joe from Family Guy should appear on this list. He's in a wheelchair but he's 100% manly in every single way.

[megladon8]

Gotta love sledgehammers. You just do. I think Joe from Family Guy should appear on this list. He's in a wheelchair but he's 100% manly in every single way.


I'll one-up you here and say that Patrick Warburton should appear on this list.

[lovejuice]

are you familiar with drmcninja? it's among the best webcomic out there. and very manly.

a sample of the work.
http://drmcninja.com/issue10/10p47.png
or
http://drmcninja.com/issue5/5p37.jpg

if interested, go check drmcninja.com

[megladon8]

That comic reminds me a lot of Danger: Diabolik!.

[Spun Lepton]

Is this the thread where I announce my love for flowers and kittens and kittens with flowers in their mouths?

[lovejuice]

That comic reminds me a lot of Danger: Diabolik!.

now i know which bava to see next!

[bac0n]

are you familiar with drmcninja? it's among the best webcomic out there. and very manly.

LOL, that is some funny stuff!


Is this the thread where I announce my love for flowers and kittens and kittens with flowers in their mouths?

No, this is the thread where I announce my love for flowers and kittens and kittens with flowers in their mouths.

[Wryan]

I am insanely curious to see if/how porn will show up on this list. Write that one carefully, sweetheart. :)

[Spun Lepton]

I need to know ... is the following manly?


http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/02/19/gorilla_playing_saxophone_larg e.jpg

[bac0n]

LOL...

you fucker...

[megladon8]

now i know which bava to see next!


Indeed - it's zany psychadelic '60s fun. It's the "anti-Bond", but not in a Bourne way - more like if you took Roger Moore's Bond, and gave him acid for a week.

It has classic lines like:

"This suit is so strong, I could swim through the center of the sun!"

[Spun Lepton]

Indeed - it's zany psychadelic '60s fun. It's the "anti-Bond", but not in a Bourne way - more like if you took Roger Moore's Bond, and gave him acid for a week.

It has classic lines like:

"This suit is so strong, I could swim through the center of the sun!"

I was sad to see they chose it for the last episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

[megladon8]

I was sad to see they chose it for the last episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.


That doesn't seem in keeping with their "making fun of movies that are genuinely bad" routine.

Danger: Diabolik! is meant to be totally ludicrous - it's a comedy! And in true Bava fashion, it's filled with gorgeous colours and great cinematography.

[lovejuice]

Indeed - it's zany psychadelic '60s fun. It's the "anti-Bond", but not in a Bourne way - more like if you took Roger Moore's Bond, and gave him acid for a week.

It has classic lines like:

"This suit is so strong, I could swim through the center of the sun!"

speaking of bond, i remember seeing in your sig how you rewatched the man with the golden gun recently and seem to like it more. is that so? ;)

[megladon8]

speaking of bond, i remember seeing in your sig how you rewatched the man with the golden gun recently and seem to like it more. is that so? ;)


It's fun.

It's stupid, but fun. It's actually pretty close in tone to Danger: Diabolik!.

[MadMan]

I was sad to see they chose it for the last episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.I don't remember the movie all that well but I do remember that episode and how it ended. I was sad that the show ended. MSTK rocks.

[bac0n]

25 Masturbating
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/masturbating.jpg

What It Is: A Great Excuse To Take A Shower.

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: I know we're all scoffers, but ponder this: your hand ain't gonna give you the clap, AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes or Hepatitis-C. Your hand ain't gonna tell you at the end of a heated argument over how much time you spend playing the PS2 versus how much time you spend watching Thelma & Louise with her that she missed her period. Your hand ain't gonna call you up one day and tell you that she's LEAVING YOU FOR A FUCKING SAILOR THAT SHE MET ONLINE AND HE LOVES HER FOR WHO SHE IS AND WANTS TO DO MORE THAN JUST FUCK TWENTY FOUR SEVEN AND ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER AND BLAA BLAA FUCKING BLAA BUT JOKE'S ON YOU CUZ HE DUMPED YOU FIVE DAYS BEFORE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MARRIED SO WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, BITCH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[bac0n]

And now for the interactive portion of our list!

24 Euphemisms For Masturbating
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/euphamismformasturbating.jpg

What It Is: Low-brow humor at its finest

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: There's nothing more manly than the creative pursuit of the lowest common denominators, and coming up with that zinger, that totally unique witticism to which to refer to the whimsical pursuit of jerkin' the gherkin', is the holy grail for many a man I know.

Just think of some of the classics:


Hand Solo
Jerkin' The Gherkin'
Slammin' The Ham
Polishing The Bishop
Wrestling The Bald Headed Champion


And the list goes on. I bet there are some of you who have some real good ones to add. Lets hear 'em!

[Sycophant]

I have some friends who think "Giving Yul Brenner a High Five" is the epitome of comedy.

[bac0n]

23 Making Fun Of Other People For Masturbating
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/makingfunofpeopleformasturbati ng.gif

What It Is: Establishing the Male Hierarchy

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: If there's one thing that's manly, it's hypocrisy, whether it being the whole thing about calling a woman a slut for being lucky enough to have gotten laid a few more times than you, to making fun of people for something you did last night, and likely will do a dozen more times before the weekend is over. That shit rules.

[Sycophant]

This is a truly manly trilogy.

[number8]

My black friend calls it "Giving Obama the Palma."

[rocus]

I always thought "doing the knuckle shuffle" was almost poetic.

[MadMan]

This is a truly manly trilogy.Yep. #24 is the highlight of the bunch and #23 is something most of us have done at one point.

[Fezzik]

One that me and my friends used to use is

"Giving Sergeant Johnson a massage"

[megladon8]

Flogging the dolphin
Choking the chicken
Spanking the monkey

And sex can be referred to as:

Dog face to the banana patch.

[Spun Lepton]

"Painting the ceiling."

[bac0n]

"Painting the ceiling."

Wow, you must think highly of yourself.

[Fezzik]

Wow, you must think highly of yourself.

Well, in truth, he was on the top bunk at the time...

[number8]

I've grown fond of calling it "Shooting the spy satellite with a missile on the first try."

[Fezzik]

Someone sent me this link today, and for some reason I feel more manly just knowing this exists...

http://gizmodo.com/358671/a-steak-toaster-did-you-hear-me-i-said-a-steak-toaster

[Scar]

Someone sent me this link today, and for some reason I feel more manly just knowing this exists...

http://gizmodo.com/358671/a-steak-toaster-did-you-hear-me-i-said-a-steak-toaster

Get a grill pan. I'm gonna start looking for a double grill pan soon.

[bac0n]

22 Clams
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/clams.jpg

What They Are: A kind of mollusc that has a hard substance that divides it into two pieces called valves; in other words, a clam is a bivalve mollusc.The word "clam" has no real taxonomic significance in biology. However in the USA the word can sometimes be used to mean any bivalve mollusc. It can also be used to mean a bivalve other than an oyster, mussel, or scallop, and that has a more-or-less oval shape, or a freshwater mussel (Merriam-Webster Dictionary.).

Why They Make Me Feel Like A Man: Back in the old days of yore, before most of you were born ,and I was a freshman in college (1991), I was in my dorm room listening to the crappy college radio station that was being broadcast in the next dorm over. Suddenly, this song came on that would change my life forever. I don't know who sang this song, but the simple power of the lyrics was transforming, and from then on, whenever I eat, see, or even think of clams, I can't help but feel like a man.

And so it is here, that I share these words that changed my life, with you.

I like clams!
They're mushy!
They make me feel like a man, they make me feel like a man!

I like clams!
They're mushy!
They make me feel like a man, they make me feel like a man!

[bac0n]

And for the next few entries on this list, we will be traveling east of the equator, to Asia, because Asia has a surprisingly plentiful bounty of things that make me feel like a man.

[Benny Profane]

east of the equator

Heh.

[D_Davis]

30 This Picture
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/thispicture.jpg

What It Is: The Mona Lisa Of Our Modern Era.

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Dude, cyborg dinosaurs with missiles and lasers! Have you no pulse?

If this picture had a ninja and a shaolin monk, it would probably be the most profound and moving work of art in the history of everything.

[bac0n]

21 Ninjas
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/ninja.jpg

What They Are: Ninjas are mammals.

Why They Make Me Feel Like A Man: I think Robert Hamburger put it best in his Official Ninja Homepage (http://www.realultimatepower.net/) and accompanying book Real Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book (http://www.amazon.com/REAL-Ultimate-Power-Official-Ninja/dp/080652569X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203693914&sr=8-1), when he said...


Sperm: White Pee

The most important contribution Ninjas have made to history is their re-popularizing the term "totally sweet". Without them, what would I use to describe things that are totally sweet? Awesomely good? Fantastically Swell? Bleech! Those words just don't have the same punch.

[DavidSeven]

I think I'll start a movement to get "Over-the-Top Euphemisms for Masturbating" put on the "Stuff White People Like" list.

[rocus]

Clams are fine, but they have nothing on the manliness of oysters. Everyone knows that a night that starts with dozen raw oysters will end with satisfaction.

[bac0n]

20 Sonny Chiba Eating A Banana Then Pouring Liquor All Over Himself And Going Completely Apeshit
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/chibagoesbananas.gif

What It Is: The single most important scene in the history of cinema.

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Sonny Chiba... Sonny Fucking Chiba... If there is a man out there that is as much a bad-ass as Sonny Fucking Chiba, then I'd like to meet him. Actually, no, I wouldn't. He would probably kick my ass. Why? Why the hell not? If you're as bad-ass as Sonny Fucking Chiba, you do what the hell you want.

Case in point: this scene. Towards the end of Return of the Street Fighter, just before he storms the badguys' castle and beats up the entire country of Japan (twice), Sonny is sitting down, eating a banana while some chick spouts off some shit about some hairy mafia twerp and blaa blaa blaa but Sonny isn't listening cuz shut the hell up bitch, I need my potassium and it ain't steak and a blowjob day anyway so I ain't interested.

Then suddenly, for no reason other than the fact that he's SONNY FUCKING CHIBA and he does what the fuck he wants, he grabs a bottle of liquor, takes a few gulps and then pours the rest all over himself and goes completely apeshit. Fuck yeah!

[Kurosawa Fan]

Sonny Chiba gets my official stamp of approval! Kick ass!

[Scar]

Sonny Chiba gets my official stamp of approval! Kick ass!

He's going to get a minimum of 50 rep points for that post.

[megladon8]

While playing "Conan" last night, I noticed that health pick-ups are in giant jugs which Conan drinks down like he'll never see liquid again in his life.

I'm pretty sure it was moonshine.

Which got me thinking...will moonshine make the list? It's pretty manly.

[D_Davis]

Ninja, Please!

[MadMan]

Ninjas are badass. Pure and simple. In fact they should be higher on this list.

*Has never seen a Sonny Chiba movie. Is ashamed.* :sad:

[Sycophant]

I think the YouTube personality "Ask a Ninja" pretty much made me ambivalent toward ninjas for the rest of my life. And with them went pirates and vikings. Le sigh.

[Benny Profane]

I just took a dump that went 1.5 revolutions around the toilet bowl.

Taking big dumps makes me feel like a man.

[bac0n]

I just took a dump that went 1.5 revolutions around the toilet bowl.

Taking big dumps makes me feel like a man.

Rest assured, we will be visiting the bathroom later on in this mighty thread.

[MadMan]

I watched Die Hard tonight and I think if its not on this list then it should receive an honorable mention. That film is one of the most macho, manliest movies ever made. They just don't make 'em like that anymore.

Plus westerns. The manliest genre next to the action genre. But hey its your list dude. Gotta be all individualistic and manly. "AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!" and all that jazz :cool:

[D_Davis]

I think the YouTube personality "Ask a Ninja" pretty much made me ambivalent toward ninjas for the rest of my life. And with them went pirates and vikings. Le sigh.

I've avoided this particular meme like the plague.

[Wryan]

And now for the interactive portion of our list!

24 Euphemisms For Masturbating
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/euphamismformasturbating.jpg

What It Is: Low-brow humor at its finest

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: There's nothing more manly than the creative pursuit of the lowest common denominators, and coming up with that zinger, that totally unique witticism to which to refer to the whimsical pursuit of jerkin' the gherkin', is the holy grail for many a man I know.

Just think of some of the classics:


Hand Solo
Jerkin' The Gherkin'
Slammin' The Ham
Polishing The Bishop
Wrestling The Bald Headed Champion


And the list goes on. I bet there are some of you who have some real good ones to add. Lets hear 'em!

How did I miss this winner?

My fave: Takin' Jack to the Wet-T-Shirt Contest.

[bac0n]

19 Godzilla
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/godzilla.jpg

What He Is: King Of Monsters, Totally Sweet Song By Blue Oyster Cult.

Why He Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Cuz he's Sonny Chiba on a massive scale, that's why. Back in 1954, when Sonny Chiba turned 15, all the great prophets foresaw his badassness, and told the folks at Toho that they needed to make something even more badass in order to not upset the balance of the universe. And thus, the Godzilla franchise was born.

Later, in the 70s, when Sonny Chiba was making his Street Fighter movies, his badass-suction powers were drawing all the badassness into himself, leaving Godzilla looking like a giant teddy bear with nothing better to do than rassle giant bugs and save school children with shorts yanked five feet up their butt cracks.

But other than that shameful decade, Godzilla has been the zenith of wanton destruction, and, well, doing what the fuck he wants, when he wants to do it. Wanna stomp Tokyo? He does it, then and there. Want to crack open a Mothra egg to make a huge omelet for breakfast? Bob's your uncle, mate! Wanna fuck a spiked armadillo up the ass on top of Osaka Castle? Godzilla just don't care. What it is, ya'all!

[D_Davis]

Awesome.

[bac0n]

18 Bolo Yeung
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/boloyeung.jpg

Who He Is: Chinese Hercules

Why He Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Born Yang Sze (Chinese for "incredibly large testicles"), Bolo started out as a master of kung fu, became the Chinese Mister Olympia and became pals with Bruce Lee. He then decided he was sick of living in China surrounded by a bunch of fucking commies, so he headed over to Hong Kong to make his fortune smashing fools and flexing his titanic man-boobs.

What's extra double manly about Bolo was how he got from Mainland China to Hong Kong. He swam. Battling the deadly current, punching holes in the hulls of passing ships that got in his way, Bolo swam his way to freedom.

Legend has it that Bolo even swam through the dreaded pass where stood the vile creatures Scylla and Charybdis. Charybdis swallowed Bolo whole, but she couldn't handle Bolo's massive pecs, so she spit him out into Scylla, who suffered the unfortunate fate of having all her arms tied up in a pretzel knot by Bolo, who then sold the thing for a fortune to the local fish market.

Still another legend exists that there is an alternate ending to the movie Blood Sport. In this version (the correct one), Bolo Yeung wins the kumite when Van Damme is doing one of his splits and Yeung punches him in the cock. Forrest Whitaker shows up, hauls Van Damme off to the pokey, Yeung wins the kumite, the end.

But of course, Van Damme has some deal with the Canadians to suppress this version of the film, so it's unlikely this definitive version of the film will ever see the light of day. And this sad truth leads me right to the next entry in this list...

[bac0n]

17 Kicking Jean-Claude Van Damme's Ass
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/jcvd.jpg

What It Is: Something I know I could do if I only got the chance.

Why If Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Jean-Claude Van Damme holds the dubious distinction of being the only martial arts actor whom, upon watching him do his shtick, most people say to themselves, "yeah, I could kick his ass".

I mean, think about it: when you watch a Van Damme film, you're virtually guaranteed of three things: 1) you are gonna see his bare ass; 2) you are going to see him do the splits; 3) you're gonna see him wear some ugly jeans pulled up so high that the belt is just below his chest. I mean, seriously. So he can throw a meaty kick all ballerina-like. Big Deal. I could still kick his ass. And that would make me feel like a man.

Here's how it would play out. At some point I am the owner of a bar. He's harassing my wait staff, dancing with them and getting a boner. I walk up and tell him to stop harassing my wait staff, scaring the other customers, and I ask him politely to leave. He gets all belligerent, saying that he's a movie star and all that shit, and challenges me to a fight. I accept the challenge, and we head to the back alley. He does one of his pussy spinny flying split kicks, and I punch him in the cock. Then I DDT him. Maybe I'll hit him with a folding chair for good measure. I'll then return to the bar to numerous accolades and sexual advances.

[Scar]

I forget, is Bolo Godzilla's son, or is Godzilla Bolo's son?

[MadMan]

That Godzilla entry is the shit. I still say that King Kong didn't beat Godzilla because we never saw Godzilla die. Instead he ran off back to his island. Although granted King Kong was extremely badass himself so perhaps he was the only creature that was able to handle Godzilla. I mean seriously the big green guy died in the first film, only to come back to life! That's pretty badass in my opinion man.

#18 is one of the funniest things I have ever read. In that photo Bolo looks like he's about to devour someone's soul. Like he's a bat out of hell, kicked out by the Devil himself. Its pure demonic fury, and that's kind of scary. And awesome.

As for #17, I would love to see Segal and Van Damme fight because it would be the lamest, most hilarious thing ever. Both of them would probably knock each other out or get their ass kicked by Jet Li.

[Wryan]

I forget, is Bolo Godzilla's son, or is Godzilla Bolo's son?

Rep for this, and rep for the Bolo post bacon. High-larious.

[bac0n]

I forget, is Bolo Godzilla's son, or is Godzilla Bolo's son?

They're actually second cousins twice removed.

[MadMan]

They're actually second cousins twice removed. I wonder who the parents are then :eek:

[number8]

That Bolo post is awesome, but I just have to mention the equally manly true story of that incident. Yes, he actually did swim from China to HK, but from what I read, he didn't do it alone. He did it with 7 of his cousins, and only 3 of them made it. The rest either drowned or got eaten by sharks.

[Wryan]

That Bolo post is awesome, but I just have to mention the equally manly true story of that incident. Yes, he actually did swim from China to HK, but from what I read, he didn't do it alone. He did it with 7 of his cousins, and only 3 of them made it. The rest either drowned or got eaten by sharks.

They tried to eat Bolo but they shattered their teeth on his pecs, which were conveniently being flexed at that exact moment.

[bac0n]

They tried to eat Bolo but they shattered their teeth on his pecs, which were conveniently being flexed at that exact moment.

Furthermore, those three cousins of Bolo's that survived, they survived because they were riding on Bolo's back.

[Wryan]

Furthermore, those three cousins of Bolo's that survived, they survived because they were riding on Bolo's back.

Nonsense. One does not "ride" on Bolo's back. They had to be tied on.

[D_Davis]

What's extra double manly about Bolo was how he got from Mainland China to Hong Kong. He swam. Battling the deadly current, punching holes in the hulls of passing ships that got in his way, Bolo swam his way to freedom.

I heard he just reached across and pulled the island towards him, and then pushed off.

[bac0n]

16 Tuesday
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/tuesday.jpg

What It Is: The Second Day of the Week (not counting Sunday which doesn't count anyway, more on this later)

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: There ain't nuthin' meh about it, folks - every Tuesday, when that alarm goes off, I get out of bed feeling like a man, and I don't stop feeling like a man until I wake up the next morning. It's no coincidence that Tuesday, the manliest day of the week, comes a mere one day before Hump Day.

To see how manly this day is, you need look no further than the etymology of the word. Tuesday is named after Tyr, the Viking War God, who you should know lost his left hand when a big fucking wolf bit it off while he was masturbating. Undaunted, Tyr continued masturbating with his remaining hand, and at the same time, used that same hand to slay that big fucking wolf with the sword he was carrying. How cool is that?

FUN FACT: Do you remember that song by the Smiths, "Every Day Is Like Sunday"? Well, Ministry made a rebuttal to that song called "Every Day Is Like Tuesday", but Morrissey threatened a lawsuit, so Ministry renamed the song to "Jesus Built My Hot Rod".

[rocus]

I want 25% of all rep gained from that post.

[bac0n]

I want 25% of all rep gained from that post.

I'll give you royalties on rep, just as soon as I get some ;)

[bac0n]

15 Polish Boxing
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/polishboxing.jpg

What It Is: More lethal than drunken monkey boxing.

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Polish Boxing is the world's only martial art to allow you to make an attack without exposing yourself to a counterattack, therefor making it the perfect martial art. This is why Polish Boxing doesn't appear in such video games as Tekken, Street Fighter or Guitar Hero. It would simply give the person using it too unfair of an advantage.

Polish Boxing has a rich history. Back in 19th Century Canton, The British and Chinese were engaged in The Opium Wars. The British were not only robbing the Cantonese of their art, but stealing all their opium, drugging them all up, getting them all hooked on heroin. In fact, the term "smack" derives from the British practice of smacking around the Chinese until they agreed to get hooked on heroin.

So, anyway, things are looking pretty shitty for the Cantonese, when along comes the legendary Pole Pavel Kaneovelovnavichsky, wandering the Earth, learning about the ways of the world, all that enlightened Confucious shit, trying to find the secret to the ultimate perogie. He made it to Canton, and learned of this technique used to make the skin of pot stickers.

He pursuaded the Cantonese to teach him this method, incorporating it with his mastery of the potato to make this perogie. In return, Pavel taught the oppressed Cantonese the Polish Boxing technique upon which all Kung Fu is based.

To make a long story short, the Cantonese kicked the shit out of the British, won the Opium Wars and invented football. Pavel moved on to spread the word of Polish Boxing and Perogies, which would eventually turn into Kali in Indonesia, Shotokan Karate in Japan, Capoeira in Brazil, and hamburgers in America.

And there you have it. And there you were thinking you'd never learn anything useful in this thread!

[MadMan]

That Tuesday entry reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer and Newman are talking about the days of the week, and one of them says "Tuesday's got a feel." With Jerry in the backset of their car, going slowly insane :lol:

Dude I want to see Polish boxing in action. That sounds really radical. Serves those damn British imperialistic bastards right for picking on the Chinese.

[Skitch]

Sonny Chiba, far too low on the list!

[Scar]

http://threeinchesofbloodsport.ytmnd. com/

[bac0n]

14 Overlooking the Obvious Homo-Erotic Undertones Prevalent In Professional Wrestling
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/rasslin.jpg

What It Is: Irony

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: A lot of times, men like to flout their manliness by showing off how heterosexual they are, usually in direct comparison to someone who is, or is being accused of, not being heterosexual. And oddly enough, a lot of these same men revolve their entire week around monday evening, when they watch one of the gayest forms of entertainment ever devised, Professional Wrestling.

Don't think it's gay? Well, obviously you're either in denial, or you're blind, so take a cold hard look in the facts. You have two sweaty guys, all big and muscley, in their underwear, tumbling around and grabbing each other all over the place on a stage surrounded by 1000s of screaming teenage boys. If there was 1 less pound of spandex then it would be gay porn.

Of course, just like the man with the small penis driving the over-sized SUV, we try to compensate for this obvious breach to our heterosexualocity by having the intermittent wrestling babe with these monstrously huge honkers show up and try to rip the shirt off another babe, cuz we figure in those five minutes, we can balance the gayness of the other hour and fifty five minutes of bouncing sweaty man-love.

[MadMan]

:lol: Brilliant bac0n. Brilliant.

And let's overlook the gay overtones in football too while we're at it....*shifty eyes*

[bac0n]

13 Ricardo Montalban
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/ricardomontalban.gif

Who He Is: The Handsome Ideal

Why He Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Back in the 90s, I had my own idea for a dotcom get rich quick scheme: I would make a website extolling the virtue of Handsome as personified by its most skilled masters. The venture capital would roll in, I would get a hip office with a cappuccino maker, all the OK Soda I could drink, and friday afternoons would be dedicated to making my own versions of popular music videos of the time using my staff as members of the band. Anyway, the website would feature such people as Antonio Banderas, Ralph Fiennes and the entire country of Spain. But the first person to be featured would be the master of Fine Corinthian Letter, Ricardo Montalban.

Now, my attitudes have changed a lot in the 10 years since, and I'm the first one to admit that I was a total wanker way back then, but my admiration of Ricardo Montalban as the handsomest man who has ever lived has not changed one iota.

I mean, everything about this man just oozes handsome. He looks handsome, he carries himself about in a gracious, confident and altogether handsome manner, at an age where most men are wearing diapers and complaining to the nurse about their shoes. He talks handsome, he has an awesome accent.. hell, even his name is handsome. Say it out loud... Ricarrrrdo Mooontallban. Don't forget to roll your Rs.

Need further convincing? Look no further than The Wrath of Khan. See those massive pecs on the guy? They're REAL. Yeah. Real. Also, watch the making of featurette, the interviews in particular. William Shatner, the pretender to the throne, shows up, red-faced, wearing a crappy sweater and an ill fitting hairpiece, all whiney about not getting enough screen time. Then, here comes Ricardo, showing up in an impeccably cut suit, sitting back, fondly reminiscing about his days making the film, no doubt graciously glossing how much of an asshole William Shatner was.

And we all know that no-one looks better in a suit than Ricardo Montalban does.

[MadMan]

Why the hell is he not higher? Seriously. Ricardo Montalban is one of the biggest gangstas ever. A straight up cool badass of a man. Khan of course is the best Star Trek villian ever, and one of the greatest villians of all time.

[Wryan]

:lol: Brilliant bac0n. Brilliant.

And let's overlook the gay overtones in football too while we're at it....*shifty eyes*

Would you prefer the front...

http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f319/ivgidtrojan/Williams1-113002-lg.jpg

or the back...

http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f319/ivgidtrojan/apcacunrr_UCLA_USC_1C5YX-lg.jpg

with your meal, sir?

[bac0n]

Why the hell is he not higher? Seriously. Ricardo Montalban is one of the biggest gangstas ever. A straight up cool badass of a man. Khan of course is the best Star Trek villian ever, and one of the greatest villians of all time.

Oh, you didn't know? This list is in reverse chronological order.

[MadMan]

Oh, you didn't know? This list is in reverse chronological order.I sure hope it isn't. Pythons as #1? Ugh :P


Would you prefer the front...


or the back...


with your meal, sir?:lol:

[rocus]

Is boxing included with wrestling as homo-erotic? I mean, they are fighting over a purse.

[MadMan]

Is boxing included with wrestling as homo-erotic? I mean, they are fighting over a purse.Hah, sure, although its not as homo-erotic. Also MMA really can be grouped with football and wrestling as welll....

[bac0n]

12 Cheating
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/cheating.jpg

What It Is: Creative Manipulation Of The Rules

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Cuz it prevents me from losing, which is totally not manly. Yeah yeah yeah, I know, people say that it's better to lose honorably than win dishonorably, but you know who said that? The people who didn't win! An honorable loser is still a loser, and a dishonorable winner is still a winner. And who wrote the history books, huh? The winners, that's who.

Of course, I would prefer to win without having to cheat, cuz, well, cheating is a challenge unto itself, and real men shirk challenges whenever possible, but when you can't win by following the rules, it's time to think outside the box, the box here being the rules, and bend, break, smash, fuck up the ass, whatever, you need to do to the rules in order to get that all important victory.

And even tho you don't have the satisfaction of having won on the merits of your skill, strength, whatever that crap is anyway, you have the even greater satisfaction of having just fucked one of those goody goody two shoesses over really good! That's why Dr. Doom is always laughing, and The Thing is always depressed. Cuz Dr. Doom is smart enough to know how ridiculously awesome and manly cheating is.

Of course, it's not enough to cheat, it's also just as important to get away with it. Sometimes you have to re-cheat to cover up the cheat, which results in like, a double bonus, like ordering a big mac and finding out someone slipped in two extra all beef patties in there.

Take Roger Clemens for example. This guy rules. Not only did he cheat his way to 7 Cy Young Awards, but when someone calls him on it, what does he do? He fucking throws his wife under the bus and tells a senate committee, under oath, that his wife ordered the steroids for herself! That guy must have balls of adamantium to try to sell a story like that to congress. That guy's the fucking John Wayne of baseball, I tells ya.

[Scar]

I ordered BloodSport today.

Now if I could only recut the ending with Bolo breaking Van Damme's neck....

[rocus]

Actually if Clemens has any balls left, they are probably pea sized by now.

[Scar]

Actually if Clemens has any balls left, they are probably pea sized by now.

Was he both taking hGH and juicing?

[MadMan]

#12 gets a big fat :| from me. You know what's more manly? Beating a cheater.

[Ezee E]

Roger CLemens as the John Wayne of baseball?

Wha?

[bac0n]

Roger CLemens as the John Wayne of baseball?

Wha?

Ha-HA! Controversy! AT LAST!

[rocus]

Was he both taking hGH and juicing?

According to him, he wasn't doing anything at all. So, I think that means yes to both.

[Scar]

Ha-HA! Controversy! AT LAST!

I found it hilarious!

[megladon8]

I think the most obvious solution to the steroid problem would be to make them mandatory in all sports.

[Derek]

#12 gets a big fat :) from me. You know what's more manly? Nothing, except beating a cheater by out-cheating them.

Agreed!

[bac0n]

Hey guys, Sorry if I've seemed sorta lackadaisical with regards to this thread over the past several days.... I have a good excuse: I'VE BEEN DRUNK!

Good news tho - the first ever match-cut multi-media post is forthcoming! I'm totally working in an awesome post. We're talking grammy winning shit here. Not kidding!

[bac0n]

11 This Monty Python Sketch
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/woodytinnywords.JPG (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gwXJsWHupg)

What It Is: Click the image and see for yourself.

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Because it provides proof that The British, despite the fact that they're ruled by a Queen, prefer their meat boiled, play a game called Cricket which has breaks for not beer but tea, like to put feather dusters on the heads of their guards, and a host of other things I can spend an entire book writing about, can still be manly.

This footage is documented proof of several Brits engaged in the noble pursuit of scaring women, saying words like "erogenous zone" like they mean it, and hunting caribou from their living room. The only thing missing from the scene is a cooler full of High Life.

[MadMan]

It is a proven fact that Monty Python is the greatest skitch comedy group of all time. SNL is just a lesser form of that. Mad TV is like the bastard idiot child that sprang from the two shows' loins.

[bac0n]

10 Spandex
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/spandex.jpg

What It Is: Action Clothes

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Spandex, with its 9-volt battery powered bright colors and its disturbingly smooth sheen, is the equivalent of adding bold italics to whatever you do and doing it all caps.

For example: if you're mowing the lawn in shorts, flipflops and a t-shirt, you're just mowing the lawn. But when you wear spandex, you're MOWING THE LAWN. When you're jerking off in the shower in your regular old clothes, big deal. But when you're wearing spandex in that same shower, your JERKING OFF IN THE SHOWER. When you're rocking someone like a hurricane, well, that's pretty awesome, but when you're ROCKING SOMEONE LIKE A HURRICANE, that's just over the top explosive. See the difference?

And on top of that, spandex makes it look like you have a really big unit. No wonder superheroes and wrestlers wear it all the time.

[MadMan]

That picture of Buff is utterly hilarious. And always will be. I've never been a fan of spandex though.

[bac0n]

9 Luchadores
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/luchadors.jpg

What They Are: Mexican Wrestlers, Real Live Superheroes, Perveyers of Spandex & Fine Sportcoats.

Why They Make Me Feel Like A Man: Lets just present the evidence here, shall we?


Luchadores wear wrestling masks
Luchadores can tie you into a pretzel knot whenever they want to
Luchadores live in caves
Luchadores drive Dodge Chargers
Luchadores are better at protecting little girls than Denzel Washington
Luchadores can believe its not butter
Luchadores are trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly,courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.
Luchadores are all experts at surf rock
Luchadores kill vampires
Luchadores make great baby sitters
Luchadores are the only things that stand between us and alien invasion
Luchadores have a really outstanding collection of neckties
Luchadores can suck their guts in better than anybody.
Luchadores have awesome names like El Santo, Blue Demon, Dos Caras and Psychadelico
Luchadores wear ascots
Luchadores > Ninjas
Luchadores are why Godzilla has never stomped Mexico City

[rocus]

This list has become surreal.

[Wryan]

I have not yet repped you for this list, but I shall for Luchadores.

[Scar]

We picked up a silk fern last weekend. Today we named it Bolo, because it can't be killed.

[MadMan]

Mexican wrestlers are pretty badass, and awesome to boot.

[Horbgorbler]

MadMan should be on this list for his dedication to commenting on every single entry.

[MadMan]

MadMan should be on this list for his dedication to commenting on every single entry.That and the fact that "Man" is in my screen name. ;)

*Flexs imaginary large muscles*

[bac0n]

That and the fact that "Man" is in my screen name. ;)

*Flexs imaginary large muscles*

Now, if you changed your screen name to ManMad, that would REALLY be manly.

[Scar]

BloodSport now resides in the House of Scar.

I forgot that they had Bolo rip off a Bruce Lee line from Enter the Dragon....

Time to go dig through Blockbuster.com for more Bolo classics.

[Scar]

http://cgi.ebay.com/BOLO-YEUNG-martial-arts-mma-bruce-lee-YOUNG-T-SHIRT-NEW_W0QQitemZ370033309836QQihZ 024QQcategoryZ15687QQssPageNam eZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

[Lasse]

I forgot that they had Bolo rip off a Bruce Lee line from Enter the Dragon....

Which one? I haven't watched BloodSport in too many years...

[Scar]

Which one? I haven't watched BloodSport in too many years...

Enter The Dragon
Bruce: "Boards don't hit back"

Bloodsport
Bolo: "Very good. But brick not hit back!"

[MadMan]

Now, if you changed your screen name to ManMad, that would REALLY be manly.:lol: Perhaps. Perhaps.

[bac0n]

1 This
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/this.jpg

What It Is: Proof That My Balls Aren't Just For Show.

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Sure, I'm not gonna get any nookie for the next 9 months, but that is more than made up for by the fact that I have a guaranteed designated driver for at least that long.

[Scar]

I heard rumours that you might've slipped one past the goalie.

Congratulations. Hopefully we won't get you too drunk this weekend!

[MadMan]

Awesome news bac0n. But I note that you went from #9 to #1 :P

[Sycophant]

Congrats, bac0n!

[number8]

Sure, I'm not gonna get any nookie for the next 9 months

What?

Pregnancy stopping sex? What are you, a WOMAN?

[Lasse]

I'm not gonna get any nookie for the next 9 months

I kept waiting for a reason to rep you for this list, but I never expected to have to neg rep you.

Congratulations :)

[bac0n]

Awesome news bac0n. But I note that you went from #9 to #1 :P

Whoever said that lists had to be in order? ;)

[MadMan]

Whoever said that lists had to be in order? ;)True....and after all this is a man list :lol:

[bac0n]

8 Annoying The Crap Outa My Wife
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/ANNOYINGMYWIFEJPG.JPG

What It Is: A Crucial Victory In The Battle Of The Sexes

Why It It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Because, like Colt 45, it works every time. And you had better believe Lando, Colt 45 does work every time. My friend and I proved it one day in college when we each bought a 20 ounce can of the stuff. We took a piece of paper and recorded each sip. If it worked, we'd place a mark in the worked column, if it didn't, a mark in the didn't work column. Well, after we had each gotten through our 20 ounce cans and looked at that paper, all the scratches were in the worked column. And thus became the foundation for what would eventually become my PhD dissertation, should I ever decide to pursue an advanced degree.

Back on topic, we know that women got us by the balls, literally. We can't say no to the nookie, and women know this. We can't piss them off, cuz that means no nookie. So, what's a man to do? Annoy the shit out of them, that's what! And it's easier than you might think! Why, I've even went so far as to lay out bac0n's fail-safe spousal annoyment protocol, here laid out in four easy steps!

bac0n's Fail-Safe Spousal Annoyment Protocol.


Get Married
Download this file (http://www.capesius.com/annoying/jacquesTron - how to annoy the crap out of your wife express.mp3), a shitty electronic song I made specifically for maximum annoyment. I even slowed it down toward the end so you can really grind it.
play the song as loud as your speakers will allow, preferably during some time when your wife needs to concentrate on something, eg, when she's paying the bills, when she's feeding the kids, when she's banging the milkman, etc.
dance in as stupid a fashion as possible. Imagine yourself as a cross between a constipated Bill Cosby and an epileptic chicken, and you're on your way.


For a demonstration of the dance technique, click here (http://www.capesius.com/annoying/).

Action Tip: don't make the same mistake I did! Wear a nutcup!

[rocus]

1 This
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/this.jpg



Hey! Congrats, man. Just a word of warning, though... one is soooo much easier than two. After my first I wanted 4 more. After my second I wanted to run away. :frustrated: Still, if you only have one you can't say things like, "Go play with your brother. Why do you think we had two of you?"

[bac0n]

Hey! Congrats, man. Just a word of warning, though... one is soooo much easier than two. After my first I wanted 4 more. After my second I wanted to run away. :frustrated: Still, if you only have one you can't say things like, "Go play with your brother. Why do you think we had two of you?"

What, the second one isn't a perfectly content little buddha baby?

:eek::eek::eek:

AAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEE!!!!!!!

*dives out the window*

[bac0n]

7 The Opposite Of Leader Of The Band
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/danfogelberg.jpg

What It Is: The Manliest Song Never Made.

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: When I was first compiling this list, I was trying my hardest to come up with a song that made me feel even more like a man than Rock You Like A Hurricane, and I was having a hard time.

Then it dawned on me.

To find out the most man-tastic song in the history of man-tastic songcraftery is simple. Just take the song Leader of the Band by Dan Fogelberg, and create find whatever the exact opposite of that song, because logic dictates that the opposite of the least manly song ever made would be the most manly song ever made. Rumors that the actual song is nothing but Bolo Yeung saying repeatedly, "very good, but bricks don't hit back!" have not been substantiated.

But hey, don't just take my opinion on Dan Fogelberg for it, here's what Denis Leary had to say on the matter:


Explain it to me. Heavy metal bands on trial because kids commit suicide, what is that about? Judas Priest on trial because my kid bought the records, and he listened to the lyrics, and he got into Satan... ALLALALALALALLALA! Well that's great. That sets a legal precedent. Does that mean I can sue Dan Fogelberg for making me into a pussy in the mid '70s, is that possible, HUH?

[MadMan]

I've never listened to Dan Fogelberg, but judging from his pic he looks like a bastard hippie fairy.

As for annoying women, heh what do you think I've done to my two sisters all these years? Its too damn easy. And funny at times, until they try to claw you and shit. #8 doesn't apply at the moment, because, well, I don't have a wife. That critical aspect is missing for now...:P

[number8]

God, fuck you and your plagiarism, Denis Leary.


But I like your show.

[bac0n]

God, fuck you and your plagiarism, Denis Leary.

In that case...


Explain it to me. Heavy metal bands on trial because kids commit suicide, what is that about? Judas Priest on trial because my kid bought the records, and he listened to the lyrics, and he got into Satan... ALLALALALALALLALA! Well that's great. That sets a legal precedent. Does that mean I can sue Dan Fogelberg for making me into a pussy in the mid '70s, is that possible, HUH?

Fixed

[rocus]

8 Annoying The Crap Outa My Wife
For a demonstration of the dance technique, click here (http://www.capesius.com/annoying/).


I finally watched this last night when my wife walked in and annoyingly commented on the stupid stuff I watch on the internet. I couldn't help but laugh. :)

[bac0n]

6 Rollie Fingers' Mustache
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/rolliefingersmoustache.jpg

What It Is: Facial Hair You Can Hang A Coat On

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Cuz it takes a serious set of balls to wear something that looks like that on a part of your body you can't hide without looking like a bank robber. And furthermore since Rollie was one of the best pitchers of his era, he was on National TV, and he had that damn thing on his face the entire time. Hell, he still has the thing on. A thousand million years from how, some cockroach paleontologists dig his corpse up, they'll take a look at his mummified mustache and exclaim "WTF is that?!?!"

So, why does he do it? I have a theory. As far as sports go, face it, baseball is pretty gay. There's a lot of ass-slappery, the third base coaches grab their balls alot, and pitchers in particular communicate with their catchers be staring at the catcher wiggling his fingers in his crotch. If the game were any more gay, they'd be playing "It's Raining Men" during the 7th inning stretch instead of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame".

So, what's a guy to do when he wants to wear a flavor-saver, the main proponents of which at the time were Freddie Mercury and the guys in Frankie Goes To Hollywood? Well, he decides to get the most outrageous mustache possible, that's what. To someone less creative than Rollie that would probably result in, I dunno, an upside down mustache, or maybe dyeing it green, but that wasn't good enough for Mr. Fingers. He had to get a mustache that makes it look like someone's driving a gondola across his face. And that, my friends, makes me feel like a man.

[MadMan]

Damnit I want a mustache so bad. But alas it would take me decades to grow one :sad:


So, why does he do it? I have a theory. As far as sports go, face it, baseball is pretty gay. There's a lot of ass-slappery, the third base coaches grab their balls alot, and pitchers in particular communicate with their catchers be staring at the catcher wiggling his fingers in his crotch. If the game were any more gay, they'd be playing "It's Raining Men" during the 7th inning stretch instead of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame".Even though I'm a huge fan of baseball this is utterly hilarious.

[bac0n]

5 John McCain With A Machine Gun
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/mccainmachinegun.jpg

What It Is: Homeland Security Made Simple.

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: C'mon. You've gotta be kiddin' me. Do I really need to tell you? Now, I don't care what your politics are, be it pro-McCain or anti-Freedom, you gotta admit: the thought of John McCain pissed off and holding one of them big-ass machine guns is enough to give just about anyone goosebumps.

Can you imagine him meeting foreign heads of state and shit, holding one of them big-ass fucking machine guns that never run outa ammo? I'll betcha he could get the economy back on track simply by going over and talking to the president of Europe and saying "lower the fucking value of the Euro, hippy". And problem solved. We're back in another one of those, uh, whatever the opposite of a recession is called. He could then talk to those OPEC shitheads and get the price of gas back down to 99 cents a gallon like it was back when I was in highschool driving my giant fucking 1972 Impala to school.

I don't know about you, but I'm hoping that when he announces his running mate, the press conference goes something like him saying, "My running mate is... THIS!" at which point he pulls out his big machine gun and starts shooting up the room, cackling like a madman the entire time.

McCain/Machine Gun 2008 FTW!

[MadMan]

:lol: That came completely out of left field. All joking aside that post sort of taps into why McCain stands a chance of winning: he's the sort of macho male leader, very much like TR or Reagan minus the dementia.

[Sycophant]

Now, I don't care what your politics are, be it pro-McCain or anti-Freedom, you gotta admit: Great, great line.

[bac0n]

4 Bears
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/dancingbear.gif

What They Are: Big fuzzy things with claws and teeth and GROWLR ROAR!!!

Why They Make Me Feel Like A Man: Have you ever seen the movie Grizzly Man? If, so, then bears probably make you feel like a man, too. First, if bears are manly enough for Werner Herzog, then they should be manly enough for you. I mean, anybody who can take a bullet and continue an interview has so much manliness, it sorta conducts to anything the guy makes movies about, sees, even thinks about. And it's obvious that Werner Herzog thinks a hell of a lot about bears. Secondly, and even more importantly, bears have the ability to fight, and take a shit... at the same time! And finally, they're really funny when drunk. Your honor, the defense rests its case.

[MadMan]

Brick (when the guys are talking about women): I hear their periods attract bears.

Heh. Anyways if I ever saw a black bear or a grizzly in the wild I'd pray to my God. Also I need to see more Herzog films, ASAP. The guy is a mad genius.

[Scar]

Brick (when the guys are talking about women): I hear their periods attract bears.

Heh. Anyways if I ever saw a black bear or a grizzly in the wild I'd pray to my God. Also I need to see more Herzog films, ASAP. The guy is a mad genius.

Black bears are scaredy cats. If you're ever backpacking in black bear country, wear bells on your pack. If you encounter one, clap your hands. If you walk between a mama bear and her cubs, well, hopefully you got bear spray or a powerful handgun/rifle, 'cause then you're in trouble.

[bac0n]

3 Jarts
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/jarts.gif

What They Are: Potentially Lethal Children's Game

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Cuz kids these days don't get to have this shit, that's why. No, the little ankle biters running around these days don't get to hurl metal spears across their lawn and hope to hell they get them in a plastic circle and not in their best friend's jugular. Instead they're stuck with Nerf balls with edges beveled to shit so there's absolutely no chance that you could possibly put your eye out with one. Maybe that's why nobody goes outside any more.

And don't get me started on playground equipment. Why, when I was a kid, we got to play on rusty poles sticking straight up outa the asphalt. If we were lucky, maybe the pole would be bent or something. And have you seen parks these days? They have bridges and curly slides and all this turtle and dinosaur shaped shit, and no fucking asphalt, not even sharp rocks, but wood chips, just perfect for taking a nap on when you get bored to sleep from not getting tetanus on the slide.

Screw that shit!

[MadMan]

Black bears are scaredy cats. If you're ever backpacking in black bear country, wear bells on your pack. If you encounter one, clap your hands. If you walk between a mama bear and her cubs, well, hopefully you got bear spray or a powerful handgun/rifle, 'cause then you're in trouble.Heh I'll keep that in mind.

Damn right bac0n they're turning kids into freakin' wimps. When I was younger we still had metal on our playgrounds, and one of the most fun things to do was mess around on the ancient rusted metal merry go round. Hell in elementary school we'd play football on the iced over payment, engage in soccer matches that ended with people getting tackled, and damn right snowball fights were mandatory. Now all my little sister gets to do is play kickball, and I'm surprised they haven't outlawed that as well. I blame idiot parents who are quick to sue the school if *God forbid!* their kid gets injured. Pain is part of life, and so is having fun when your a kid. No wonder we have these children zombied out on video games and shit. They can't even go outside and have fun and mess around anymore.

[Scar]

I want a jarts set. Its artillery boche ball.

[rocus]

We owned a set of those. I still remember me and my friends just throwing them up as high as we could and trying to dodge them when they came down. It's amazing that not one of us was ever hurt or killed.

[Scar]

Explosives, jarts, firearms, etc....

How the hell did I survive?

[Benny Profane]

We owned a set of those. I still remember me and my friends just throwing them up as high as we could and trying to dodge them when they came down.

And when your parents called you inside for dinner did you go upstairs and lick a bag of 9 Volt batteries instead?

Jeez Louise. I thought I was stupid.



(joking)

[rocus]

Actually, my cousin did try that licking the 9 volt battery thing. The problem was he had braces at the time. The giant blue spark was amazing.

Did I mention we also locked each other in ice chests full of water to see who could stay in the longest?

And it's not stupid... it's manly!!

[Benny Profane]

I stand corrected.

[MadMan]

Actually, my cousin did try that licking the 9 volt battery thing. The problem was he had braces at the time. The giant blue spark was amazing.

Did I mention we also locked each other in ice chests full of water to see who could stay in the longest?

And it's not stupid... it's manly!!Awesome! :lol:

[bac0n]

2 Barbecue
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/bbq.jpg

What It Is: The reason God created pigs.

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Cuz a man's gotta eat, dammit, and sometimes, when there's no woman around to make his food for him, he's gotta take matters into his own hands, and not only that, do it in such a fashion that he doesn't come out looking like a rooty-tooty-ninny-boy.

And before I continue, lets be clear about what barbecue is, and what it is not. Barbecue is not wandering out onto your deck with your light blue polo shirt, flicking a switch on your ten thousand dollar death star-lookalike gas grill, slapping down some burgers and weinies. This is what is referred to as "being a pussy". Fuck, if you're gonna be doing something so quick and easy, you might as well be cooking on a George Forehead grill and wearing an apron with nice pink frills.

Barbecue is not even slathering some KC Masterpiece on chicken and putting it on your Coleman. This is what is referred to as "being an idiot", cuz any dumbass knows you put the sauce on the chicken at the very end, lest the sugar in the sauce burn to shit leaving you with black drumsticks.

No, barbecuing is characterized by two words: SLOW and LOW. It's a shitload of pork (not beef) ribs cooked in a smoker at about 200 degrees for 8 hours and then slathered KC style with enough sauce to drown Greg Louganis.

In a way, barbecuing is kinda like ice fishing, hunting, golf, homebrewing, what have you. It's essentially an excuse to get away from the wife and drink large amounts of alcohol for an extended amount of time. And the benefit of barbecuing is, at the end, instead of frostbite, a gunshot wound to the head, a set of broken clubs or a mess in the kitchen, you have yourself a big fucking pile of meat to snarf down. And face it, meat don't get any better than when it's been barbecued.

[Benny Profane]

That's pretty much the best post I've ever seen on an internet message board.

[Mara]

I've had multiple (quiet) reactions to this entire thread, but this is the first time it's made me hungry.

[Lasse]

I've had multiple (quiet) reactions to this entire thread, but this is the first time it's made me hungry.

So, so seconded. :frustrated:

[[ETM]]

Leader of the Band is the least manly song ever only if you've never heard anything by the Bee-Gees or Modern Talking... :frustrated:

[Lasse]

;58985']Leader of the Band is the least manly song ever only if you've never heard anything by the Bee-Gees or Modern Talking... :frustrated:

I really like the '98 version of Brother Louie.

*blush*

[Ezee E]

But I don't have a smoker. :(

[Scar]

So, should I get a Webber, or something like this:

http://www.samsclub.com/shopping/navigate.do?dest=5&item=376100

http://graphics.samsclub.com/images/products/0009107541097_LG.jpg

[Scar]

I can't get enough mileage out of this photo. Proof that bac0n is a BBQ God:

http://photos-c.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sf2p/v117/251/111/502501702/n502501702_178554_222.jpg

[MadMan]

That photo of bac0n is hilarious. And this thread just hit 11 times infinity. Nice.

[[ETM]]

I really like the '98 version of Brother Louie.

*blush*

Well, I have serious doubts about your manliness, sir.

Quickly - down a pint of lager, and listen to some Woody music!

[rocus]

BBQ is definitely manly. Actually, pretty much any outdoor cooking is. I love to boil crabs and crawfish, especially if you catch them yourself.

Still two manly things that I'm hoping for that haven't shown up yet.

[Benny Profane]

I power washed my deck yesterday. I felt quite manly.

[Fezzik]

I still get teary thinking of the ribs that bac0n's uncle cooked up when I went to see him on the 4th of July last year. *sigh*

So, is weeping over the sheer beauty of barbecue manly, or do the tears cancel out the manliness?

[Mara]

I've been thinking and thinking, but I don't think I could find 37 things in my life that make me feel like a woman. This saddens me.

[Benny Profane]

I've been thinking and thinking, but I don't think I could find 37 things in my life that make me feel like a woman. This saddens me.

What about that Shania Twain song?

[bac0n]

I still get teary thinking of the ribs that bac0n's uncle cooked up when I went to see him on the 4th of July last year. *sigh*

So, is weeping over the sheer beauty of barbecue manly, or do the tears cancel out the manliness?

That's one of the few things you can cry about and still be manly, and then, only if it's a single tear coming out of one (and only one) eye.

[Mara]

What about that Shania Twain song?

In my opinion, she got way too excited about men's shirts and short skirts. It's not really an attractive combination.

[number8]

I power washed my deck yesterday. I felt quite manly.

I read dick.

[Lasse]

;59386']Quickly - down a pint of lager, and listen to some Woody music!

Done and done.

[bac0n]

Those of you paying close attention will recall that we already did #1 (http://www.match-cut.org/showpost.php?p=49703&postcount=168), so we'll just go ahead and skip that one and keep on plodding along with...

0 Selling Your Shitty White Stationwagon To A Guy Who's Gonna Run It In The Demolition Derby
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/demolitionderby.jpg

What It Is: Trailer Trash Revenge

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Ya know, I really shouldn't complain. When I was in highschool, I needed a ride, and after comic books, Arbys King-Size Roast Beefs and Dungeons & Dragons shit, I really didn't have enough money to pay for my own. Enter my old man, who would give me his castoff pieces of shit cars that were too beat up for even him to drive. This is the same old man who, until 2 years ago, had never bought a car younger than ten years old since the 60s.

Anyway, for a long time, I was driving the '79 Cutlass Supreme he didn't want no fuckin' more cuz his job had upgraded him to a swanky Ford Taurus. Well, I drove that bastard until it broke, got his next castoff, and so-on until I got stiffed with the lamest car of all time, a white Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser, semi-affectionately referred to as "The Family Truckster" by my friends. This would be the car I would drive around during the summer when I was on college break.

God, I hated that car. It was tough going from the previous one, an awesome '72 Chevy Impala that my brother called "The Impaler" but my friends & I referred to as "The Mighty Bohemiath" or just "The Mighty B" for short. Now, this car had balls. Sure, it sucked gas like nothin', but you stepped on the pedal, it had so much kick it would throw you into the back seat unless you were strapped in.

The Family Truckster, on the other hand... man. This had all the power of a Richard Simmons on Prozac. I remember one road trip I took in this piece of shit. I was trying to pass these old bastards who were insisting on driving 45 in a 55 mph zone, but I couldn't. Even pressing down on the pedal with all my weight couldn't muster up enough oomph in this sorry excuse for a car to pass these old bags. 60 MPH! THAT'S ALL I ASK! JUST DO IT!

So, imagine my delight when a few months later, a guy at the bindery where I was working for the summer offered to buy it. Hell, I woulda given it to him for some Taco Bell, so you can imagine how excited I was when he announced that he wanted it to run in a demolition derby. Of course, that was the easiest decision I ever made in my life. I wanted nothing more than to see that car smashed to bits, and here I was, getting paid to be able to do just that!

So, he got sold the car after I went back to school in the fall. He was supposed to call me and tell me when he was gonna run the thing in the demo derby, but I never heard from him again. It's a drag that I didn't get to see the car meet it's very timely demise in person, but just knowing I sold a car that was used in a demolition derby makes me feel like a man. Kinda.

[bac0n]

-1 The Toilet
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/toilet.jpg

What It Is: The Throne. The Shitter. The Superbowl. The Porcelain God.

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: I once heard a story, forget who told me, but it goes something like this. Some guy who told me this story knows another guy, who would get a boner every time he could feel the urge to take a shit. Now, you would think this guy has some serious poop fetish issues, but it's not that at all. You see, every time this guy would take a shit, he would follow up with a shower to clean off, and well, while he's in there, might as well give the bishop a good ol' polishing too. After awhile of doing this, it got to the point that taking a shit would get him aroused cuz he knew what was coming next.

Ah, I bet you're grossed out by that story. Hey, how the hell do you think I feel? I had to type that shit! And I had Mexican only a few hours ago, and you know that Mexican food goes straight to my ass. Hey, The Browns have already been to The Superbowl once today, and I wouldn't be surprised if we see a three-peat before the day's through.

So, so all sophomore buffoonery aside, The Toilet makes me feel like a man for a variety of reasons, but the best reason I can think of is a quote from the movie Glengarry Glenn Ross:

"Have you ever taken a shit that felt like 8 hours of sleep?"

Or something like that. I've never seen the fuckin' movie, so I can't be sure. Regardless, that's the best rhetorical question ever said, if you ask me. Hey, some time when you're with someone, try throwing that question outa nowhere, and see what happens. I betcha you'll get yourself a great reaction!

[Sycophant]

The catharsis many man achieve at the toilet eludes me.

So can we expect the full 370 items the title has got my hopes up for?

[bac0n]

The catharsis many man achieve at the toilet eludes me.

So can we expect the full 370 items the title has got my hopes up for?

Sorry, nope. We're going all the way to 3710. At this rate, I figure the list will have been completed in the year 2156 by my great great great great great great grandson LBZ125b.

[rocus]

I would be so honored if I found out my car was used in a demolition derby!

Anyway, since you're into negative numbers I'll add a couple that you've left off so far - chainsaws and stick shifts. Any guy who can't drive a manual is not fully a man. In fact, I don't even think it should be legal to make sports cars with automatic transmissions. Whenever I see someone driving a Corvette or Mustang Cobra without shifting gears I feel sad.

And chainsaws... well that's just obvious.

[bac0n]

I would be so honored if I found out my car was used in a demolition derby!

Anyway, since you're into negative numbers I'll add a couple that you've left off so far - chainsaws and stick shifts. Any guy who can't drive a manual is not fully a man. In fact, I don't even think it should be legal to make sports cars with automatic transmissions. Whenever I see someone driving a Corvette or Mustang Cobra without shifting gears I feel sad.

And chainsaws... well that's just obvious.

I haven't thought of stick shifts, but I agree completely. Driving a sports car with automatic transmission is like playing football in a skirt.

[Fezzik]

I haven't thought of stick shifts, but I agree completely. Driving a sports car with automatic transmission is like playing football in a skirt.

There's a 2008 Mustang Convertible in the parking lot here at work that I've always looked at with a bit of a jealous eye. It's a gorgeous pewter color with really deep grey seats...its just a beautiful car.

The other day as I was coming back from lunch, I noticed the driver had left his top down...and I noticed that it had an automatic transmission.

I died a little inside. Stuff like that SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED.

I wanted to find the driver and mug him, steal his keys and berate him verbally about how he doesn't deserve a car like that.

Sports cars with automatic transmissions arent sports cars. They're steering simulators.

[Scar]

I'm a fan of the clutchless shifters, mainly because after my mom moved in with my dad soooooo many years ago, she burned out the clutch in his super sport right quick.

Just 'cause you can drive a stick good doesn't mean the wife can!

[Fezzik]

I'm a fan of the clutchless shifters, mainly because after my mom moved in with my dad soooooo many years ago, she burned out the clutch in his super sport right quick.

Just 'cause you can drive a stick good doesn't mean the wife can!

I actually don't mind the clutchless / sportstronic type transmissions. They're still manual to a degree, and they're good for gas mileage.

But when I see straight Auto on a sport...*sigh*

[Scar]

But when I see straight Auto on a sport...*sigh*

Depends on the engine. If its the low level 3.8L V6 or whatever the hell goes in them these days, there's nothing wrong with the auto. But if its the top end with the big engine 'n shit, then a straight auto is just wrong.

[MadMan]

Sorry, nope. We're going all the way to 3710. At this rate, I figure the list will have been completed in the year 2156 by my great great great great great great grandson LBZ125b.I'm sure he'll post with all of our great great great great great grandsons. If we all have them. And they'll post on something more advanced than just a message board. It'll be some crazy ass, really cool sci-fi shit. I just hope I live to see and drive a flying car.

Yeah #0 is pretty sweet. One day I will compete in a demolition derby. It looks like a lot of fun.

I've never had a car that crappy although I did drive for about a year an old Ford Tarus that I slowly kept wrecking certain parts of (like some of the headlight covers, and I also accidently backed it into an embarkment, cracking some of the back end). In the end I killed the thing off when I got into a car accident last summer, thus giving me a serious concussion (I don't remember what happened that day for one thing). Still I have found memories of that car, as it got decent gas millage and was worth driving around. I actually bought it from my cousin for only $700 which is pretty good all things considered.

As for #-1, I don't see anything manly about the toilet. At all.

[rocus]

Just 'cause you can drive a stick good doesn't mean the wife can!I taught my wife how to drive one when we bought our Mustang GT. We both really wanted a Mustang, so I convinced here it was pointless to buy an automatic GT. She learned quickly and loved it. In fact, when we sold that car (car seats don't work in Mustangs), she bought an Accord with a stick.

[monolith94]

My mom drives manual better than I can…

[bac0n]

okay, this thread needs to be put down in the near future so I can move on to something else equally pointless, so from here on out, it's gonna be a new entry every single day until... well, until I run out!

-2 Hippos
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/hippos.jpg

What They Are: Big Cuddly Smiling Death Machines

Why They Make Me Feel Like A Man: If more vegetarians were like hippos, maybe I wouldn't wanna make fun of them all the time. Hippos have the sole distinction of being able to be bad-ass and adorable... at the same time. Take a look at that above picture. He's chasing some poor sap with the intention of smashing him to bits, all the while with a big ol' cute smile on his face.

And if that's not enough, recall this awesome quote from Benny Profane, over yonder in the Random Thoughts thread:

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1254/576254119_8a1701df78.jpg


I've seen a vagina that looks just like that. Either that or I fucked a hippo's mouth?

[bac0n]

-3 Pile Of Meat
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/pileofmeat.jpg

What It Is: A big fucking pile of meat on a huge fucking pile of mashed potatoes.

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Cuz it's more fucking meat than any two people, let alone one, should eat at one sitting, that's why.

If there's anything distinctly American about American cuisine, it's that the portions are fucking ginormous. No matter which restaurant you go to, chances are you're gonna get enough food to feed an entire Ethiopian village for a week. And further more, if you are an American eating at that American restaurant, you're gonna eat the entire fucking thing right then and there.

Ironically, the best example of this culinary phenomenon that I can think of is at this "Irish" restaurant in a north suburb of Minneapolis. There's this town, Maple Grove, at the very outer edge of the metro, that one day during the housing boom of years past, suddenly popped up, as if someone sprinkled chain store seeds in the ground, watered it, and the next day you had Best Buy, Potbelly, Chipotle, Applebees, Home Depot, all along this perfectly manicured stretch of road with buildings that looked all perfect and uniform, in nice inoffensive adobe colors that gave the entire place an air of an amusement park, just without the rides.

The place was bespackled with chain restaurants of every variety, including this place called The Claddagh, the token Irish pub, which served the required Irish Food: Fish & Chips, Irish Stew, Corned Beef & Cabbage, Guinness, and this dish I like to call The Pile Of Meat. Officially, the name is Beef Stew, but don't let the name fool you. It's a giant fucking pile of meat on a mountain of fucking mashed potatoes.

When I first saw it, I didn't know whether to eat it, or to try to scale it so I could plant an American flag on top and get my photograph in National Geographic. It was huge, but gawdamn, what a magnificent sight. So much meat. I knew I was gonna eat the entire thing. I also knew that I was gonna be groaning for the rest of the day afterward, and that once it got to my ass there would be hell to pay, but dammit, I couldn't resist.

And I know there are other men like me bursting their belts and expanding their waistlines on excessive gobs of flesh such as this. And that, ladies and gentlemen, makes me feel like a man. And kinda hungry, too.

[rocus]

That reminds me of a Jim Gaffigan joke:

The reason Alaska is part of the US is because when the Canadians showed up they saw all of the Eskimos eating whale blubber and said, "Look, the Americans are already here."

[Scar]

-3 Pile Of Meat


http://img300.imageshack.us/img300/408/img2038gt4.jpg

[bac0n]

I was wondering when those pictures would show up...

[Benny Profane]

To be quoted in this thread is quite a manly honor.

[Scar]

I was wondering when those pictures would show up...

Oh, I trimmed the fat, and kept the prime cuts. Just haven't added them to FaceBook yet.

[bac0n]

-4 Beer
http://www.capesius.com/images/man/beer.jpg

What It Is: Not just for breakfast anymore!

Why It Makes Me Feel Like A Man: Because I love beer. I fucking love it. I love everything about beer. I love drinking beer. I can think of nothing more relaxing after a hard day at work than coming home, plunking my ass down on the steps in front of the house, enjoying a bottle of Bells Oberon and watching the world go by without me for a little while.

I love making beer. One of my favorite excuses for inviting some friends over is brewing a batch of something, and after that, when we're all nice and toasted, heading downstairs and firing up the videogame machine.

I love buying beer, especially if the liquor store is well stocked. They're like toystores to me. Hell, there's a liquor store that's 20 miles from where I live that I go to on occasion, simply on the basis that it has four aisles of coolers of some of the weirdest, most exotic brews from all over the world in every style imaginable. Scar can back me up on this one.

Hell, I even love the idea of beer, that whole working man's beverage idea that filters out snobbery. Even among the homebrewer crowd, who take our beer very seriously as you can imagine, we're not ones to thumb our noses at people who wanna crack open a Budweiser or Coors. If it tastes good, drink it. I for one sure do enjoy a High Life on an 85 degree day.

I also especially enjoy the fact that a lot of the developments in beer, probably even the origin of beer itself, are born of fuckups. Hell, the first ale was probably discovered after someone drank something that had been left out too long. The Porter style was itself invented in Dublin when someone accidentally burned some grains and, rather than throwing them out, said, "hell, lets brew them anyway and give them to the porters - those bastards'll drink anything". And whattaya know, so was invented one of my favorite styles of beer.

Jesus, just writing this post is making me thirsty. Anyone wanna guess what I'm gonna do next?

[Scar]

-4 Beer


Hell, there's a liquor store that's 20 miles from where I live that I go to on occasion, simply on the basis that it has four aisles of coolers of some of the weirdest, most exotic brews from all over the world in every style imaginable. Scar can back me up on this one.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v428/scar55434/Drunk3-24-07/CIMG1153.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v428/scar55434/Drunk3-24-07/CIMG1147.jpg

[Lasse]

Oh, how many ways to I want to rep thee.

EDIT: Yay, there's Carlsberg's Elephant Beer. Not my favorite, but not bad. :)

[Ezee E]

Which beer is the best of that lineup?

I found some strange strawberry blonde beer that was amazing.

[Scar]

Which beer is the best of that lineup?

I found some strange strawberry blonde beer that was amazing.

That was a rough night....

[bac0n]

Which beer is the best of that lineup?

I found some strange strawberry blonde beer that was amazing.

Jesus, I can't remember. I was pretty much far gone and out by about the second bottle. All of the beers were good, but nothing was really OMG I NEED TO HAVE THIS AGAIN good.

I must admit, I sure do like me that Carlsberg, tho.

[Benny Profane]

Carlsberg's slogan cracks me the hell up...

Carlsberg: Probably the best beer in the world.

Had to pick up a tee shirt when I toured the brewery in Copenhagen.

[monolith94]

Good addition! I personally love wheat-beers. Don't know why, really - just like the flavor.

[bac0n]

Good addition! I personally love wheat-beers. Don't know why, really - just like the flavor.

I'm a big fan of the wheat beers myself, with my fave being the aforementioned Bells Oberon. It's my officicial beer of summer. It's a pint of heaven.


http://www.sevenpack.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/BellsOberon.jpg

[Fezzik]

If I may toss another beer into the pool for consideration:

Xingu.

It's Brazilian, its as black as night but doesn't have the classic "dark beer" flavor.

I first had it at "Fire of Brazil" in Atlanta, a South American churrascaria where gauchos basically bring you nothing but meat on a sword and say "would you like more?"

Well, duh, of course I want more.

It combined the last two items on this list in such grand poetry, i still get misty thinking about that place.

Luckily, they opened a churra here in Tallahassee. Rodizio's isn't quite as good as Fire of Brazil, but its damn good.