Spun's Ongoing Netflix Horror Reviews

[Spun Lepton]

Horror fans of Match-Cut, I'm gonna take a bullet for you. Or, rather, an indeterminate amount of bullets.

I will watch, or attempt to watch a horror film off of Netflix Instant every week. Naturally, I can't promise this will happen every single week, but I will try my damnedest. And then I will review them.

The rules are simple:
It must be listed under the Horror section on Netflix Instant.
It must be a movie I have never seen.

Welcome to my nightmare.

Index
04/09/13 VAMPEGEDDON (http://matchcut.artboiled.com/showthread.php?4672-Spun-s-Ongoing-Netflix-Horror-Reviews&p=474387&viewfull=1#post474387)
04/15/13 CITADEL (http://matchcut.artboiled.com/showthread.php?4672-Spun-s-Ongoing-Netflix-Horror-Reviews&p=475061&viewfull=1#post475061)
04/17/13 ROAD KILL (http://matchcut.artboiled.com/showthread.php?4672-Spun-s-Ongoing-Netflix-Horror-Reviews&p=475404&viewfull=1#post475404)
04/25/13 AMOK TRAIN (http://matchcut.artboiled.com/showthread.php?4672-Spun-s-Ongoing-Netflix-Horror-Reviews&p=476588&viewfull=1#post476588)
05/02/13 OSOMBIE (http://matchcut.artboiled.com/showthread.php?4672-Spun-s-Ongoing-Netflix-Horror-Reviews&p=477315&viewfull=1#post477315)
05/06/13 DEMONIC (http://matchcut.artboiled.com/showthread.php?4672-Spun-s-Ongoing-Netflix-Horror-Reviews&p=477720&viewfull=1#post477720)
05/13/13 SCOURGE (http://matchcut.artboiled.com/showthread.php?4672-Spun-s-Ongoing-Netflix-Horror-Reviews&p=478614&viewfull=1#post478614)
05/16/13 GRAVE ENCOUNTERS 2 (http://matchcut.artboiled.com/showthread.php?4672-Spun-s-Ongoing-Netflix-Horror-Reviews&p=479024&viewfull=1#post479024)
05/18/13 5IVE GIRLS (http://matchcut.artboiled.com/showthread.php?4672-Spun-s-Ongoing-Netflix-Horror-Reviews&p=479187&viewfull=1#post479187)
05/24/13 ROSEMARY'S BABY (http://matchcut.artboiled.com/showthread.php?4672-Spun-s-Ongoing-Netflix-Horror-Reviews&p=480020&viewfull=1#post480020)
06/04/13 BURIED ALIVE (http://matchcut.artboiled.com/showthread.php?4672-Spun-s-Ongoing-Netflix-Horror-Reviews&p=481448&viewfull=1#post481448)

[Irish]

Subscribed. I won't have much, if anything to add, but I'm looking forward to these reviews.

[Spun Lepton]

VAMPEGEDDON
(2010; Miller)



http://i.imgur.com/Hav3nHu.jpg
I bet he tastes like bacon.


Netflix Says:
Sick of her dreadfully dull life, goth college girl Melissa attempts to harness the power of evil through an ancient book of spells. But while communing with supernatural spirits, she unleashes a wicked vampire hell-bent on terror and destruction.

Review:
A group of stupid-ass goths go into the woods with the express purpose of summoning the lamest vampire ever, because they don't like their town and they want to move away. If you like scenes where people walk, you are going to piss your pants with happiness at this one. If they ever create an Academy Award for Most Drawn-Out Walking Scenes, this will be the winner, hands-down.

It certainly won't win for sound. Why? Well, for starters, every single line - and I'm not exaggerating this -- every single line of dialogue is recorded in post-production. It seems our "film makers" believe they don't need any kind of sound recording equipment on-set. Along with the dialogue thing, there is no background noise. None. Night time, no crickets. Daytime, no birds, no traffic. Nothing. Occasionally something on-screen has foley, like a truck motor or another truck motor, but everything else? Fuck it. I can hear the decision-making, "Voices and shitty metal music and nothing else!"


http://i.imgur.com/y0Sbl7f.jpg
Anybody wanna go for a walk?


The actors are freshly cut from the local woodlands, each of them delivering their lines like they're bored or confused. When they're supposed to shout or scream they hold back as if they're afraid to wake the neighbors.

I'm also confounded at why they would wait 45 minutes before resurrecting their main antagonist, especially considering the movie is only 75 minutes long. Of course, once he comes back to life it becomes apparent why. He's the most useless vampire ever. Hell, his minions do all the dirty work while he swooshes his arms, wiggles his fingers, and pontificates profusely.

In the end, I suppose I should count my blessings that it's as short as it is. Fifteen more minutes and my brain might attempt a daring escape through my nose.

Memorable Quote:
"Oh boy vampire freaks, fuck you!"
Final Score: 0/10
Nudity: 4/5
Gore: 1/5

[Spun Lepton]

CITADEL
(2012; Foy)

http://i.imgur.com/hJOe6RT.jpg
Would you like a copy of The Watchtower?


Netflix Says:
Months after a gang of feral children attack and kill his pregnant wife, agoraphobic young father Tommy is left to raise their daughter on his own. But his persistent visions of his late wife's attackers propel his phobia to menacing new heights.

Review:
A cowardly man witnesses his pregnant wife being attacked by three creepy kids in hoodies. Months later, he's taking care of their daughter, while the wife barely hangs on life-support. The creepy kids reappear and start to terrorize him. Soon he learns the kids are coming from a strange abandoned building. An infected building. And the kids aren't so much kids. They're semi-kids.


http://i.imgur.com/hliqu7H.jpg
Rent, don't buy.


This really appealed to the Cronenberg fan in me. There's a lot of talk about infections and cancers. The kids remind me a bit of the kids in The Brood, but a bit more absurd.

As we learn about the kids, holes start appearing in the plot. It seems like the problem with these feral kids has escalated to the point where there would be some kind of public outcry. How are these kids wandering the streets of a fairly well-populated town at night and nobody but two people know about them? Not a single bus driver has seen them? They do seem to attack an awful lot of people.

When the characters enter the Citadel at the end, my suspension-of-disbelief strains under pressure. They crank up the weirdness and put the climax in a knee-slapper of a setpiece. It becomes absurdly unreal, but it's a bit absurd and a bit unreal from the start. So, it works for me.

Good fun and definitely worth a look.

Memorable Line:
"Kids? I don't see any kids! Do they look like kids to you?"

Final Score: 7/10
Nudity: 0/5
Gore: 1/5

[Philosophe_rouge]

I remember Citadel having a good deal of buzz at Fantasia, but the trailer really did absolutely nothing for me... but your review makes it kinda seem like I should probably bite the bullet and check it out.

[Spun Lepton]

ROAD KILL
(2010; Francis)

http://i.imgur.com/NvkcDbM.jpg
Maximum Underwhelm


Netflix Says:
Australia's barren Outback provides the setting for this hair-raising thriller about a massive driverless truck that runs four teenagers off the road and then becomes their personal hell-wagon after they try to drive it to safety.

Review:
Four unlikeable college-aged kids run afoul of a demon truck while on a camping trip. It runs them off the road and crashes their car. They later find the truck and steal it. But the truck is an evil truck that runs ON BLOOD!!

I've been thinking of the perfect vehicular analogy all day. This movie is stuck in neutral. When I put it on, I think, "I can deal with a cheap Duel rip-off." What a mistake. The story is one convoluted mess with only two scenes of vehicular mayhem.

So, they steal the truck, and the truck is sentient, I guess. It turns on soothing industrial music that lulls the kids to sleep. When they wake, they don't find themselves at any kind of interesting destination. Nope, the truck drove itself off-road and cornered itself on the side of a steep hill. And that's where it stays for at least half of the movie.

So, the group splits up, two stay with the truck, the other two go look for help. One guy climbs in the second trailer and comes out under the truck's spell, I guess. One chick wanders off in search of a shack she says she saw back down the road a ways, which makes no sense because she was just fucking asleep. Then she finds an abandoned house and there are some unmarked cans there, so what's she do? Why, yes, she pops one open and drinks it without hesitation. Isn't that what you would do? Oh, AND IT'S BLOOD!!


http://i.imgur.com/rZHX21S.jpg
Let's drive in circles.


And later one chick finds a meat-processing factory in the first trailer. There is literally a conveyor belt moving human meat parts to a hole in the floor. I'm not making this shit up. And this is how she deals with the discovery: she freaks out and drives the truck. And then we get to see images of pistons with blood squirting through them. That's metal, dude.

And then, you're about half-way through the movie.

And bless these actors, they do try their damnedest with the material they're given. All of these characters are annoying. They're spiteful, jealous, shallow, stupid, angry people. Most of the performances are good. Both of the women are very good.

I suppose industrial music is a good choice for a movie about a truck that doesn't really drive anywhere and IT RUNS ON BLOOD!! But, did it only have to have two settings: off and blasting? Wasn't there a single moment when the music supervisor thought, "You know, music that doesn't demand attention away from the movie might work well for this scene."

What a mess.

Memorable Line:
"What did you do with my truck, Mona?"

Final Score: 2/10
Nudity: 1/5
Gore: 3/5

[Scar]

Ok, ok. I'll watch one with you. Just let me/us get drunk first.

[MadMan]

So Maximum Overdrive is not the worst killer truck movie ever? Hurray!

PS: Wait I forgot about Trucks. The Herse kind of counts I guess...

[Spun Lepton]

Ok, ok. I'll watch one with you. Just let me/us get drunk first.

You want me to call or text you when I'm about to watch something?

[Scar]

You want me to call or text you when I'm about to watch something?

Awwww... We could have a cyber movie date. Unfortunately, during the week, I'm on 'old man' sleep schedule.

[Spun Lepton]

AMOK TRAIN
a.k.a. Beyond the Door III
(1989; Kwinty)

http://i.imgur.com/N96SZe4.jpg
Is that a Kwinty?


Netflix Says:
On a class field trip to Yugoslavia, a shy American college student finds herself inexplicably drawn into a world of black magic and devilish rituals. Things only get worse when she discovers that she's been handpicked to be the devil's bride.

Review:
Six two-dimensional college students travel to Yugoslavia on some kind of school trip. The guy they meet there brings them to a village, where the townsfolk waste no time attempting to kill them. While running away, the kids hop a passing train that is promptly possessed by Satan. It takes them on a hell ride as it hops the tracks and plows through forests and swamps and the kids start dying.

I admit it. I have a soft spot for Italian horror, so I can't completely hate this film. It's bad. Oh, it's very bad. But, there's an energetic gusto to all the ridiculousness, which is something Italian horror film makers seem to excel at. Random weird shit happens left and right. At one point the virgin girl demands proof that she's not going crazy, so her mother's ghost appears, announces who she is, and then fucking disappears! And that's it! Is this the work of Satan? Does he get off on non-sequiturs?


http://i.imgur.com/CfxQCLg.jpg
In the hospital for ... this again.


All the deaths are messy. Decapitation, impalement, one person is cut in two. One character peels off their own face and dies. The gore effects aren't all good, but there's enough of it to go around. I'm surprised when I see intestines, but then I think, fuckin' Italians, man.

The story seems written over one cocaine-fueled weekend. Who comes up with an idea about Satanists and then thinks "You know what would make this story pop? A runaway train." A number of scenes drag, so the whole thing seems longer than it is. Much of it plays like The Omen on a train, but with terrible dialogue and plenty of WTF moments.

The scenes where the kids pretend to be thrown around the train car while it drives off-track are hilarious, even if they do wear out their welcome after the second two-minute sequence. There's also several short scenes in Slavic with no subtitles, leaving you to make up your own dialogue. Shots of the model train are occasionally funny. "Just go outside and get some sticks off the ground, they'll look just like trees if we plant them upright."

The ending then ditches the train as the virgin is sent to be sacrificed. Unfortunately, she has a secret and it makes one guy literally explode. Fuckin' Italians, man.

Memorable Quote:
"Beverly, I'm your mother."

Final Score: 4/10
Nudity: 2/5
Gore: 4/5

[MadMan]

I want to see that movie now, haha. And the Italians are awesome at horror. I went back to DVD in the mail plus Instant Viewing so I will be watching as many of their horror movies as I can this year.

[Spun Lepton]

I have a new review brewing.

I may try my hand at turning these reviews into videos.

[Irish]

turning these reviews into videos.

Holy shit you HAVE to do this.

[Spun Lepton]

OSOMBIE
(2012; Lyde)

http://i.imgur.com/R5k7uV0.jpg
Dude, I'm SO high right now.


Netflix Says:
Dusty is on a mission to rescue her brother, a conspiracy theorist who's convinced Osama bin Laden is still alive. But while in Afghanistan, she discovers that the terrorist has risen -- and is building a zombie army to carry out his evil bidding.

Review:
A group of soldiers and two civilians battle the living dead while searching Afghanistan for a zombified Osama bin Laden. I wish I could say there's more than that to the story, but there isn't. Osombie occupies a perfect middle-ground, neither good nor bad. It's just there. I hate writing reviews for movies like this just because there really isn't much to talk about.

There's very little story, but the filmmakers keep things watchable with frequent zombie attacks. Most of the movie is the group of soldiers wandering the desert, talking about their home lives and riffing on pop culture. Then zombies attack, one of the group gets bit and dies. Rinse and repeat for the entire second act. I think the writer attempts to make the dialogue upbeat and tongue-in-cheek, but it's really not, and the actors deliver everything with such dryness that nothing is ever quite funny.


http://i.imgur.com/Iq8l7Fz.jpg
The discount Colin Farrell and friends.


The effects are, again, nothing more than serviceable. The film makers are smart enough not to linger on the make-up effects. CG effects are obvious, but used with some restraint. The occasional explosion is enhanced or completely created via CG. The zombie mayhem tends to be as tame any given Walking Dead episode, if not tamer.

I'm confounded at how easily the zombies sneak up on the soldiers. The group is standing in the middle of nowhere, miles and miles of desert are plainly visible, they're even standing in a circle, and suddenly a zombie pops up to gnaw on somebody's throat. Cue the sad music and lame attempts to be serious. Are you telling me some of these zombies have better stealth training than the U.S. military?

Admittedly, scenes of zombies being vaporized by high-powered rifles are fun. The acting is passable even if the dialogue is useless. The cinematography is all right, except for the scenes that utilize day-for-night, a practice that needs to fucking die a dishonorable death. Outside of a rare boom mic and continuity snafu, it's just competent.

I should mention the titular character has maybe five minutes of screen time. That's false damn advertising.

Memorable Quote:
"Thank you, Call of Duty."

Final Score: 5/10
Nudity: 0/5
Gore: 2/5

[megladon8]

Wow, he really does look like Collin Farrell :lol:

[Scar]

I have a new review brewing.

I may try my hand at turning these reviews into videos.

I'm so game to make guest appearances.

[Spun Lepton]

DEMONIC
a.k.a. Forest of the Damned
(2005; Roberts)

http://i.imgur.com/MQ7Jruv.jpg
Death by halitosis.


Netflix Says:
A group of teens are lost in the forest when they hit a woman and their car breaks down. Splitting up to search for help, they encounter a bevy of wood nymphs who are as deadly as they are beautiful.

Review:
A group of annoying and stupid kids get lost in the woods and are attacked by naked goth chicks with long sharp nasty teeth. I wish I could say there's much more to it than this, but no.

Dear Johannes Roberts, director of Demonic, a.k.a. Forest of the Damned, I understand you like John Carpenter. Well, sir, you do have good taste, I'll give you that. But, don't you think you're laying it on a little thick? Your studio logo looks like the title card from The Thing, which comes off a little fanboyish to me. One character says, "You gotta be fucking kidding me," a couple times. Cute.

But, comparing yourself to him is pretty ballsy. The title card reads exactly "Johannes Roberts' Demonic". Another poorly thought out ode to Carpenter, maybe? Maybe.


http://i.imgur.com/6tUej9q.jpg
Even being in the movie is boring.


I do know Demonic is boring. It's godawful boring. It is like Johannes Roberts wrote a thirty-page script and then shot an eighty-five minute movie with it. It's intensely plodding, scenes go on and on, shots hold and hold and hold for unbelievable amounts of time. I lost count of how many times I shouted, "Get on with it," after the camera would hold on the final shot of the scene, the person staring off and off and off until it starts to become awkward. How long is she going to stare at -- oh, next scene.

The "wood nymphs" are more awkward than scary or sexual. Tom Savini, who has first billing, shows up for about five minutes, confuses the plot further, and then dies. The characters are British, except for one who is American, who is played by a British woman doing a terrible American accent. Why not just have her be British, too?

Johannes Roberts, you are no Carpenter.

Memorable Line:
"Emilio! Tell your friends to stop staring at my breasts."

Final Score: 1/10
Nudity: 4/5
Gore: 3/5

I Was Too Intoxicated to Remember Much About This Movie Mini-Review!
Day of the Dead (2008; Miner) -- Goofy undercranked hyper-zombies chase Mena Suvari and an intensely irritating Nick Cannon through the city. There's a vegetarian zombie. I cringe at everything that comes out of Nick Cannon's mouth. I cheer his death. Lacks polish, might be unfinished. A disaster.
Final Score: 3/10

[MadMan]

Well at least Spun you admit you watch some of these drunk haha.

Someone should remake Forest of the Damned and make it super cool. A movie with that title deserves to be awesome.

[Spun Lepton]

SCOURGE
(2008; Quastel)

http://i.imgur.com/D1Idw95.jpg
Please don't make me watch it again.


Netflix Says:
When a local church burns down, an ancient evil creature is awakened and soon wreaks havoc on the small town of Harborford, Wash. The population slowly shrinks as the so-called "scourge" travels from body to body

Review:
A church burns down and a tentacled CG penis with teeth travels from body to body with a distinct goal of ... doing something. A pair of terrible actors chase the little bugger around town and try to stop it, all while learning of its rich, magical history.

Hey, I know. Let's make a movie like The Hidden, but instead of the monster being an alien, let's make it, I dunno, demonic. That should make its mythology nice and convoluted. We can also use it as an excuse to fill all kinds of time with pseudo-religious mumbo-jumbo. Win-win! At times, it should play like a serious film, and others, like a goofy comedy. Trust me, viewers love a confused tone.

It's hard to say which is worse, the dialogue or the acting. The dialogue is bland and obvious, as if written by somebody schooled by young adult sitcoms. Smitten characters finish each others' sentences. Ugh. And the actors don't help matters by being stiff and unbelievable. The two leads are particularly wooden, unable to deliver a single convincing line. But, was it bad acting that made the lines seem like crap, or were the lines too crap for the acting to be very convincing? I think both.


http://i.imgur.com/8BcwNbt.jpg
Joey was not a proud man.


So, the CG penis monster lives in people for a few hours before needing to move to another body. It leaves through the mouth and enters the bellybutton. Not once does somebody address the lack of blood on the person the monster enters. Do the filmmakers really think the bellybutton is something that can be penetrated without injury?

The women it takes over turn into vixens who get all hookered-up and seek out a male to hang on before the penis monster is let loose. But, the guys turn into lumbering zombies who wear bathrobes and underpants to wander around in traffic. Why the behavioral discrepancy?

And do they all need to keep belching? Do we need to hear their stomachs gurgling every thirty seconds? Don't you think their need to constantly and comically eat is tonally inconsistent with the seriousness of the rest of the movie? Isn't it enough for the audience to see the monster pass to the new person, do you have to repeatedly disgust us?

The film is also godawful slow and repetitive. There is one point where, without checking the time, I'm convinced the film is about to end. But, then it doesn't. It goes on for at least twenty more minutes.

Memorable Line:
"No psychotic killer can make anything this goofy."

Final Score: 2/10
Nudity: 1/5 + something for the ladies
Gore: 3/5

[MadMan]

That was your funniest review yet Spun. "Joey was not a proud man."=:lol:

[Spun Lepton]

GRAVE ENCOUNTERS 2
(2012: Poliquin)

http://i.imgur.com/odSGBPB.jpg
Admit it, you yawned.


Netflix Says:
A year after a film crew spent a fatal night there, a new team is entering the halls of Collingwood Psychiatric Hospital in search of the truth. What they discover will make believers out of all of them. That is, any who live to tell the tale.

Review:
Fueled by rumors that the original Grave Encounters movie is fact, a group of young documentary filmmakers investigate the haunted asylum used in the film. Results are pretty much what you'd expect.

I will address the first question that comes to your mind. No, you do not have to have seen the first movie to understand the sequel. While it does continue the events of the original, the sequel provides enough ongoing information to follow what little there is to follow.

Much like the first, there is a lot of running and wild swinging camera movements. Ghosts appear, their faces turn grotesque, and they chase the leads around for a bit. This is pretty much entire package for the original, so the sequel seeks to create a mythology behind the haunting. Just enough to break the tedium, but not enough to add any suspense or atmosphere.


http://i.imgur.com/AyJsETs.jpg
Just kiss and get it over with.


It labors under a pile of derivative ideas. Aside from the catalyst of the story, which seems lifted from Human Centipede 2 of all things, their shiny new mythology has been seen in countless other films. The haunting is caused by a mad doctor who experimented on his patients, but also dabbled in the occult. Sound familiar? The worst offense is a sequence where the group escapes the asylum, goes back to their hotel, gets on the elevator, and when the doors open they're back at the asylum! Surprise!

The acting, dialogue, and editing are all solid enough to keep things watchable. It maintains a decent pace once the group finally gets to the asylum. I'm as shocked as anybody to say that I found myself engaged at times. But, I wonder if this is because my standards for Netflix horror have bottomed out and watching something half-way competent is a relief.

Overall, a little better than the original, but nothing to get excited about.

Memorable Quote:
"He took the real world and the spirit world and he mashed them together!"

Final Score: 6/10
Nudity: 0/5
Gore: 1/5

[Skitch]

Did you like the first Grave Encounters? While I recognize its hardly a great film, it did scare the ever loving shit outta me.

[Spun Lepton]

I remember being on the fence about it. I thought it had a few good moments, but overall it was fairly tedious. 5/10

I'd be curious to hear what you think of the sequel, Skitch.

[Skitch]

I remember being on the fence about it. I thought it had a few good moments, but overall it was fairly tedious. 5/10

I'd be curious to hear what you think of the sequel, Skitch.
I'm working up the courage. That first one...I don't know man. Something about it just tapped into some inner thing that scares the bejesus out of me. I think I also watched it in perfect conditions...loud as hell, empty house, by myself...full moon...

[Spun Lepton]

All right, this is something I've thought about doing since the inception of the thread.

PICK MY NEXT MOVIE

Ideally, you'll come to a consensus on one film. But, if that isn't possible, I'd at least love to hear some titles that you've been curious about. I realize that I'm opening myself up to some serious torture, but I've watched Demon Kiss. I can watch anything.

Note: I'm planning to watch something of my own choice tonight, so suggestions will begin after the next review.

[MadMan]

Watch Rosemary's Baby if its still on Instant Viewing. Actually fuck that-just get it on Criterion. I do believe that this 90s horror movie called Dust Devil is on Instant Viewing, and I want to check it out but I'd rather have you, Spun, watch it first instead so that if it sucks I can avoid it :D Here's a link: http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/70055092?strkid=1915301036_0_0&trkid=222336&movieid=70055092

I'm just amused that there is a Final Cut of a 1992 horror thriller I've only heard of thanks to Netflix. That's something that Ridley Scott would do, heh.

PS: Rosemary's Baby is on Instant Viewing still, but as I noted you are better off just renting the Criterion edition if you can or just blind buying Rosemary's Baby. I think only a few (meg might be included) are not as big on it as others, but trust me: its a fantastic horror movie.

[Spun Lepton]

I've watched my chosen film for the evening. So, a review is pending. I have a lot planned for the weekend, so the review may not appear before Monday.

MadMan, unfortunately, I have seen Dust Devil. It was in the mid-90s, so I don't remember much aside from being pretty "meh" toward it. Rosemary's Baby, however, is one of the few classics I have yet to see. So, I'll put that on my list, regardless. I did have it selected as a film for this year's unfinished marathon, after all.

Any other suggestions?

[MadMan]

Damn Dust Devil is a meh movie? Well I'll still maybe give it a chance, but I'll keep your opinion in mind.

And yes I hope you enjoy Rosemary's Baby. Considering some of the dreck you've already viewed you might be amazed to actually watch a great horror movie for a change :lol:

[Scar]

Rosemary's Baby.
Jaws: The Revenge

[Spun Lepton]

Jaws: The Revenge

Saw it in the theater. No shit.

[Spun Lepton]

5IVE GIRLS
(2006; Sonoda)

http://i.imgur.com/nAIAfPY.jpg
Maybe if I stand real still they won't see me.


Netflix Says:
When five troubled teenage girls are sent to a reform school, they don't expect is that their keeper will be a demon that holds the institution in thrall. Luckily for the girls, they possess unique powers that enable them to battle the ancient ghoul.

Review:
Five-ive girls with psychic powers are sent to a Catholic reform school where, five-ive years prior, a girl disappeared, apparently stolen by a demon calling itself Legion. The five-ive girls soon learn that somebody in the building wants to summon her back to reality. Or summon Legion into reality. Or something.

For the first ten minutes the story seems promising. The lead character's telekinetic powers are revealed in a moment that makes you think, hey, this might not be too bad. But, then it nosedives into a convoluted and confused mess. We're given little to no background on the five-ive girls. The movie runs at a ridiculously fast pace and never answers the encyclopedia of questions the audience asks. Then it ends on an intensely frustrating note that only further confuses the plot.

Legion's motivations are completely opaque. Why kidnap the girl, enthrall somebody at the school, and then resurrect her? When she finally is resurrected, she's a regular person who is scared of Legion. What's the goddamn point? Also, how is the school staffed by only three people? Why are the five-ive girls the only students there? Is this supposed to be a legitimate school or are the staff squatting? Answer me, movie!


http://i.imgur.com/cow8r1k.jpg
Best fort ever.


Frustrations like these only increase as the movie plays. Why give one girl the ability to walk through solid objects, only to stump her the moment she's confronted by a locked door? "I could never do doors." What? You can walk through objects, but not doors or walls? One girl demonstrates an ability to heal wounds, but the moment her "healing hand" has a couple of broken fingers she's fucking useless. One girl is supposed to be a witch, but needs to be schooled by the lead character in what the Wiccan design on her own goddamn necklace means. Why give the five-ive girls these abilities if you're just gonna hamstring them?

The acting is pretty much solid, save for the lead antagonist who might as well have walked into her first scene wringing her hands and muttering to herself, "They shall soon taste my wrath." When she summons Legion a little bit after the half-way mark, he jumps from girl to girl and leaves them dead in his wake, but without any clear purpose. I guess this is somehow supposed to aid in resurrecting the demon-napped girl, but it's never explained how or why.

Recommended to people who want to spend nine-inety minutes frustrated and confused.

Memorable Quote:
"Well, knife in the wall, time for bed."

Final Score: 3/10
Nudity: 1/5
Gore: 1/5

[MadMan]

Rosemary's Baby.
Jaws: The RevengeGreat movie + crap movie. Heh, nice.

[MadMan]

Saw it in the theater. No shit.Oh wow. I would have needed booze to get through it on the big screen. Lots of booze.

[Spun Lepton]

Oh wow. I would have needed booze to get through it on the big screen. Lots of booze.

I was a kid. But, even as a kid, I had enough sense to realize what a pile of garbage it was.

[MadMan]

I was a kid. But, even as a kid, I had enough sense to realize what a pile of garbage it was.I saw it one afternoon on TBS. So bad. So bad.

[Spun Lepton]

I've watched Rosemary's Baby. It's damn good and very skillfully made. I haven't reviewed a film this good, yet, so I'm concerned I'm gonna blow it. If I can write three paragraphs, I'll be happy.

[MadMan]

Huzzah.

[Spun Lepton]

ROSEMARY'S BABY
(1968; Polanski)

http://i.imgur.com/VPOGvww.jpg
Mmm, ladyfinger.


Netflix Says:
Rosemary Woodhouse, the young wife of a struggling actor, is thrilled to find out she's pregnant. But the larger her belly grows, the more certain she becomes that her unborn child is in serious danger.

Review:
After moving into a new apartment, Rosemary and Guy Woodhouse meet their new neighbors, the Castevets. Soon, Rosemary is impregnated under unusual circumstances. She then begins to suspect the Castevets have sinister plans for her and her baby. What she uncovers is worse than she imagined.

I'm at a loss for words, to be honest. It's rare to find a film of this caliber on Netflix Instant, so when I'm tasked with reviewing it and I can find very little to nothing to complain about, my whole schtick is undermined. Well written, acted, directed, edited, scored ... frankly, it's a relief. This does not seem like a film that's two hours and ten minutes long, let me tell you.


http://i.imgur.com/PaB65kH.jpg
Mmm, waterbed.


Rosemary's Baby is a film that would never be made today. It's the opposite of what horror has become. Instead of being garish and in your face, it's subtle and brooding. Where modern horror is built upon shock, exploitation, and loud jump-scares, this is built upon atmosphere and suggestion, with only a few thoughtful scenes of outright terror. I don't recall a single jump-scare.

Mia Farrow delivers an amazing performance. Her portrayal of Rosemary is not just believable, it triggers strong empathy. As she drives the story and her situation becomes more dire, you find yourself wishing you were there to steal her away from her selfish husband and creepy neighbors. There's no doubt that she's neck deep and going under, but all you can do is watch with increasing dread.

I had the misfortune of knowing the ending. Undoubtedly, it's going to be difficult avoiding spoilers for a film that's over forty years old. I'm sure my emotional engagement was impacted by the knowledge, but the skill behind the film was more than enough to keep it interesting.

Strongly recommended, even if you know the ending.

Memorable Quote:
"This is no dream, this is really happening!"

Final Score: 8/10
Nudity: 1/5
Gore: 0/5

[MadMan]

2 points too low, but I'm glad you liked it all the same. The dream sequences are really freaky, and to quote the "How To Survive A Horror Movie" book that I own it makes Scrabble scary, heh. And I love the ending. "HIS EYES! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIS EYES!"

[Spun Lepton]

2 points too low, but I'm glad you liked it all the same.

Yeah, I waffled on giving it 9/10. I never give anything 10/10 after only the first viewing.

[MadMan]

This is why you are a better critic than I am, although as of late I've trade to watch out for grade inflation...

[Irish]

Rosemary's Baby is a film that would never be made today. It's the opposite of what horror has become. Instead of being garish and in your face, it's subtle and brooding. Where modern horror is built upon shock, exploitation, and loud jump-scares, this is built upon atmosphere and suggestion, with only a few thoughtful scenes of outright terror. I don't recall a single jump-scare.

Found this to be a really interesting insight. Might "borrow" a part of it for my own use, with credit to you, of course (as, uh, ".. a guy I know.")

[Dukefrukem]

Confession: I've never seen ROSEMARY'S BABY

[Lurch]

I am definitely in the minority when it comes to Rosemary's Baby.
I admire the film for its production values and certain directorial moments by Polanski, but it never really affected me. It could be that I knew the ending before I saw it. It could also be that I have a certain dislike for Mia Farrow. The only film I've ever truly appreciated her in was Purple Rose of Cairo.
I'm not really bashing the film. For the time it was made, it took some bold approaches to its subject matter. Adding to the fact that it would become William Castle's most successful film, giving him a much deserved "moment in the sun". I just consider it a bit overrated as a film. I agree that a movie like this could not be made today. So, if anything, it should serve as a template for how horror films can be made, and that gore and cheap jump scares should not be the norm that they have become.

[MadMan]

Confession: I've never seen ROSEMARY'S BABYWATCH IT DAMN YOU

[Spun Lepton]

BURIED ALIVE
(2007; Kurtzman)

http://i.imgur.com/zg7WL67.jpg
Shadow? What shadow?


Netflix Says:
College shenanigans take a terrifying turn when a group of students stay in an abandoned ranch house. The plan is part of a sorority prank, but all hell breaks loose when one student's secret search for a lost treasure awakens a ghostly evil.

Review:
Six college students working toward their PhDs in Dumb-Fucking-Asshole-ism drive to a ranch house to sit around and bicker amongst each other while a corpse-like ghost sneaks up and startles them repeatedly. Eventually .... eventually ... the ghost starts picking them off.

This movie is a limp fucking dick of a slasher. I can not fully express the anger and frustration that erupts when you get to the 70-minute mark and there's only been one death. One death at the 40-fucking-minute mark, and then you're forced to endure another goddamn half-hour of these assholes arguing and running around in circles. Meanwhile, the dead guy's propped up in the car for the entire time and the characters bend over backwards creating excuses to not check on him. Most of them basically being, "He's a jerk! Let him sit out there by himself and freeze." There's even two moments where people walk past the car and briefly talk to his corpse without even noticing that he lost the entire left half of his body. You have to be an extra-special kind of stupid to miss that.

Yes, these characters are category five stupid, but they're also category ten assholes. The script goes out of its way to make the female lead as much of a harpy bitch as possible. 100% unlikeable. Petty, jealous, constantly sniping at and manipulating others, ugh. And you want her to die so badly, but you're fucking stuck with her until the end. As for the male lead, well, he's also completely unlikeable. Lecherous college drop-out wanna-be frat-boy douchebag. And guess what! You're stuck with him until the very end, too! The only half-way tolerable character is the corpse in the damn car!


http://i.imgur.com/7IFFAuI.jpg
Gather 'round while I sing my douchebag song.


Did I mention the two leads are kissing cousins who may still be sleeping together? You learn that in the first five minutes and it leads to nothing! Nothing! Way to start your movie out on a useless, creepy and uncomfortable note. How are we supposed to relate to these two, let alone fear for them?

The story runs in circle after circle, scenes drag on and on without purpose. In one scene the group is attacked by a snake in the basement, so they kill it. Then, surprise! Another snake jumps out at them! And they kill it. And then the lead douche-nozzle goes out and has a smoke while breathy alt-rock plays in the background. Aaaannnd, scene! The whole movie's like this, just turning its gears until the 70-minute mark when one character actually decides to do something. That something being the thing mentioned in the Netflix description, "search for the secret treasure." Give me a goddamn break.

Netflix reviews complain that this is a cookie-cutter slasher, but no! No, it's not! At all! If it were cookie-cutter we might at least have some sense of story progression. Some characters to relate to. A ghostly antagonist that's at least half-way scary or effective. More than one dead body before the final act! No. This is more like somebody read a list of cookie ingredients, threw them all into a big bowl, mixed it up, and didn't put it in the oven long enough. Gloppy and unappetizing sludge that should've been thrown in the fucking garbage.

And the cover art dares to use "Unrated!" as a desperate selling point when this thing would barely get an R-rating as it is. Fuck off.

Memorable Quote:
"Someone screwin' with Lester. You gonna get screwed back real hard."

Final Score: 1/10
Nudity: 3/5
Gore: 2/5

[Spun Lepton]

RODENTZ
(2001; Rodnunsky)

http://i.imgur.com/HO6ofta.jpg
Realism.


Netflix Says:
When a medical experiment goes awry, a group of lab rats develop psychic powers and turn homicidal. And one rat that gets an extra dose of the serum grows to human size and terrorizes a group of teenagers.

Review:
A group of two-dimensional teens go to their two-dimensional scientist buddy's lab to coerce him into drinking and driving with them. But he has to stay and work, so they decide to hang out and wait for him. The building swarms with rats all hopped up on goofballs and they pick off the kids one by one.

If the misspelling in the title doesn't clue you into the quality of the film, I'm not sure what will. It's bad, but it skirts being so bad it's good. It has several chuckle-worthy and laugh-out-loud moments. And it's not a constant barrage of bad ideas, but it does suffer from poor decision-making, lackluster acting, and a goofy script.

The worst decision was to use CG to animate some of the rats. The CG is stiff and cartoony, which is pretty much what I would expect from a low-budget film shot in 2001. There's one close-up shot of a rat that's reused with enough frequency so it becomes a joke. One scene: a cat wanders into the basement, they cut to a cartoon CG rat that turns its head and opens its mouth, cut to the cat who wanders closer to doom, cut to the CG rat that turns its head and opens it mouth, cut to the cat who searches the room, and cut to the CG rat that turns its head and opens its mouth. You get the idea. There's also one shot of a pack of CG rats running down the wall that's used multiple times.

Their attempts at puppetry fare no better. Puppets are always shown very briefly and in extreme close-up, but nothing can disguise how cheap and fake they are. I can't help wonder if the decision to do both puppetry and CG is the reason neither look any good.


http://i.imgur.com/X5KLvi7.jpg
Say hello to my little friend.


The real rats are so docile that the filmmakers resort to quick cuts and swinging cameras to make them look violent. Of course, it doesn't work. It actually makes for some of the funnier moments. Here I am laughing my head off while cute little fuzzies nestle the actors' bloodied throats. "Now, thrash around as if you're being attacked! That's it! Hold it, don't thrash too hard! We don't want to hurt the little cuddle-wuggumses! You're a little cuddle-wuggums! Yes, you are!"

There's numerous points where a character has a piece of dialogue but they cut to them just after they've spoken. The first couple times it happens it's a bit confusing, but no big deal. Then it becomes frequent. There's even one scene where two characters exchange three or four lines and the camera literally cuts back and forth to the person who is not talking. The awkwardness becomes comical. And who's to blame for something like that? I can't blame the editor, it seems like he's trying his damnedest to piece together something coherent with incomplete material.

Wait, I know who to blame. The tool who decided on the title Rodentz. He'z az good a zcapegoat az anybody.

Memorable Quote:
"What about fire? Animals don't like fire, right?"

Final Score: 4/10
Nudity: 1/5
Gore: 3/5

[MadMan]

"Rodentz." Now there's a shitttastic movie title.

[Spun Lepton]

MIDNIGHT MOVIE
(2008; Messitt)

http://i.imgur.com/001E1Fk.jpg
Do I even need to make this joke?


Netflix Says:
Some grind house aficionados become the unwitting stars of an old slasher flick when the film's crazed killer leaps off the screen to hunt them down, drag them back into the movie and kill them.

Review:
A serial killer makes a slasher movie much like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and it fuels his desire to kill ... for real! Using some kind of black magic hoodoo, he binds his spirit to the film and whenever it's shown he's able to leap from the screen to reality and back. During a poorly attended midnight screening of his movie, the theater staff and meager audience are surprised when he appears in real life and picks them off one by one.

You've got to hand it to the filmmakers. The script called for a bunch of characters in their late teens and early twenties, and they actually cast people around those ages. No forty-year-olds playing teenagers here. This goes a long way at making the characters believable. The fact that the cast put on decent performances also helps maintain some suspension of disbelief.

Actually, I take that back. There's one actor in this who looks like he's sleepwalking through the whole fucking thing, and that's the 12-year-old. People. Listen. Haley Joel Osment was a fluke. Your low-budget film would be much better if you avoided kids altogether.

As I was saying, most of the cast give decent performances, but they're stunted by some clunky and obvious dialogue. There are a number of times when a character explains something that the audience already knows. The opening scene is a massacre at a hospital, but later a character tells a friend all about the massacre. Cut the audience a little slack, would you? Not everybody has the short term memory of a mosquito. We don't need a recap.


http://i.imgur.com/MbuHpn1.jpg
It's not lupus.


There are also a few juvenile moments, the lowest point being a fart joke that goes on far too long. Okay, we get it, he needs to go to the bathroom. No need to drag the bit out for an entire two minutes.

The low budget becomes obvious when the film within the film plays. It's shot on digital and then filtered during post to make it look like an old black-and-white movie, complete with pre-packaged lines and hairs. Anybody with After Effects will recognize it. Is it too much to expect for that portion to be shot on 16mm or even 8mm? This glaring flaw is what hinders the movie most.

There are a number of cliches. From "you stay here, I'll go check it out," to dropping their weapon the moment they've chased off the killer, and tripping over nothing at all. You'd think people would know better by 2008, but I guess not everybody got the memo. I can't help wonder whether these are purposely used to pay homage to the slasher genre. Regardless, they only serve to irritate.

All in all, though, not too bad. Nothing in the film is perfect, but it's coherent, well paced, and kind of clever. There are a couple moments of palpable dread. And there's one death scene that reminded me of the brutal audacity of the Hatchet series.

Memorable Quote:
"Radford's film is like an infection, it taints his entire existence."

Final Score: 6/10
Nudity: 0/5
Gore: 3/5

[MadMan]

Midnight Movie is one I want to view, mostly because its fun to try and see every horror movie that has a horror movie being played in it. You know like Popcorn, The Hills Run Run Red, Cigarette Burns...

[Irish]

I know you got a new job, Spun, but I'm hoping this is still a thing. Even though I don't comment often, I get a huge kick out of reading these reviews.