Spun Lepton
02-16-2013, 06:40 AM
3/1/2013
Crawlspace (Schmoeller; 1986)
http://i.imgur.com/bAIqem1.jpg
I feel your pain, Klaus.
Netflix Says:
Klaus Kinski is at his creepy best as Karl Gunther, whose boarding house for young women hides some sinister secrets.
Review:
Klaus Kinski owns an apartment building with a bunch of special air vents that allow him to spy on his tenants. The majority of his screen-time is spent staring. Then he kills people off-screen and collects occasional off-screen body parts, which he then put into on-screen mason jars. His tongue, eyeball, and finger collections are quite meager. The movie is dull and it's populated with a number of boneheads. One character badly lip-syncs an entire ear-breaking song. One perv spies on the women and gets spied on by Kinski. One dumbfuck waltzes into Kinski's apartment and has a seat at a table full of incriminating evidence, even though he already suspects Kinski is a murderer. People hide in plain sight. The final half-hour is one character literally crawling in circles through the air-ducts, popping her head out in the same fucking room over and over again.
Memorable Quote:
"Become a friend of the rats."
Story -- 3/10
Cinematography -- 5/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 4/10
Acting -- 6/10
Nudity -- Some
Gore -- Some
Overall -- 4/10
3/2/2012
Hellraiser: Revelations (Garcia; 2011)
http://i.imgur.com/ZRV96Ov.jpg
We have such shit to show you.
Netflix Says:
In this ninth installment of the Hellraiser franchise, two friends discover a puzzle box in Mexico, which opens a gateway to Hell.
Review:
Worst. Pinhead. Ever. Seriously, how did they think this goofy, puffy-faced pencilneck could replace the original? Granted, it's difficult to gauge his acting abilities when he's given such terrible dialogue. The writer tries desperately to emulate Pinhead's dialogue from the first two and the results are hilarious. Honestly, I had a hell of a time picking which line to use as my memorable quote. Aside from him, the lead kid is a fucking black hole of acting. He's so bad he pulls the rest of the cast into his singularity of suck. Not that any of the dialogue is worth saying, anyway. If you've seen the original, there are no surprises. Outside of the hideous dialogue and laughable acting, there are plot-holes galore. So, people can die when they're already in Hell? Explain it to me, Mr. Screenwriter. I need to understand. Also, please explain to me Mr. Director, why one guy would just stand there like a fucking dumbass and watch his friend get his face carved off by a hobo. And why do so many people in Tijuana have American accents? And do I really have to listen to one character yell, "Whoo! Tijuana!!" so damn many times? I'm sure I'll never get a solid answer.
Memorable Quote:
"Now there is a deficit of flesh. Debt is outstanding. And we seek payment."
Story -- 1/10
Cinematography -- 5/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 1/10
Acting -- 2/10
Nudity -- Some
Gore -- High
Overall -- 2/10
3/3/2012
The Road (Laranas; 2011)
http://i.imgur.com/DagVQty.jpg
Come outside and be boring with me.
Netflix Says:
When three teenagers disappear after a joyride, detective Luis Medina connects the events to a 12-year-old cold case with eerie similarities.
Review:
Netflix's description is completely misleading. I will start off by saying the film looks gorgeous. But, the story needs some fucking Viagra. It moves slower than a stoned sloth wearing a turtle shell. The film makers break it up into different eras, titling each one. Part 1: 2008, Part 2: 1998, and Part 3: 1988. Part 1 is inevitably unnecessary to the story, but it goes on for a snooze-inducing thirty minutes, piling on the time by repeating the same scares over and over. Part 2 moves at the same break-nothing pace, but retains some interest as it answers a few questions from Part 1. Then Part 3 blindsides us with a ton of back-story that would have been much more effective if it had actually been Part 2. And again, it takes its sweet fucking time lingering and lingering and fucking lingering on shots. Get on with it! Then, in the final ten minutes, almost as if the film makers realize they have overstayed their welcome, they wrap everything up in the most flaccid, implausible, and angering way possible. Oh, is that what was happening in the scene at the beginning of the movie? Bravo, Mr. Writer-Director. You're a fucking genius. Get off my lawn.
No Memorable Quotes
Story -- 6/10
Cinematography -- 8/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 5/10
Acting -- 7/10
Pacing -- 4/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- Very Low
Overall -- 6/10
3/4/2013
Zombies vs. Strippers (Nicolaou; 2012)
http://i.imgur.com/sdiokCF.jpg
That's some damn good blocking, Carl.
Netflix Says:
A local strip club owner sees his establishment finally getting the traffic he's always wanted; unfortunately, most of his patrons are undead.
Review:
Full Moon is still making movies?? I'm kind of at a loss for words. How can I bash something that tries so hard to be bad? The dialogue is geared to be hammy and there are plenty of cringe-worthy lines. The story goes nowhere, as expected. It's obvious the sound equipment went haywire during one day of filming. When there's make-up it's pretty bad. Eye-lines are all kinds of fucked-up. The person in charge of continuity must've been stoned. Acting is laughable. But, I don't know, I just can't bring myself to hate it. Maybe it was the abundance of boobs? Yeah, that's probably it.
Memorable Quote:
"Man, 'puncture the brain' would've been a sweet-ass band name. Too bad my music career's fucked."
Story -- 1/10
Cinematography -- 1/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 1/10
Acting -- 1/10
Nudity -- Very High
Gore -- High
Overall -- 2/10
3/5/2013
The Theatre Bizarre (Buck, Giovanazzo, Gregory, Hussain, Kasten, Savini, Stanley ; 2011)
http://i.imgur.com/f7s7B3h.jpg
The years have not been kind to Mr. Kier.
Netflix Says:
When a girl wanders into an abandoned theater, she's treated to a show with surreal tales of bizarre sexuality and horror, including a couple's encounter with a seductive witch and a woman who sees others' memories by stealing their eyeball fluid.
Review:
Like many anthologies, this was pretty miss-or-miss. Break it down, yo. The Mother of Toads is an ode to Lovecraft and has a surprising appearance by Catriona MacColl doing a cartoony French accent. It's melodramatic and the music is cloying and the ending is meh. And it's the best horror story of the bunch! I Love You goes nowhere fast. Another meh ending to a pretty meh story about a guy, his unfaithful wife, and how he reacts when she tells him she's leaving. Guess what happens! I bet you can't! Oh, did I say can't? I meant, you've probably already guessed correctly. Wet Dreams is directed by Tom Savini, of all people. Remember that Kids in the Hall sketch where the characters kept waking up from dream after dream after dream after dream? Yeah, that's this story, but with fewer laughs and more severed penises. The Accident isn't even a horror story. A little girl learns about death in the most mundane way possible. Better suited for a Lifetime Channel short, despite being the strongest story of the bunch. With the best acting! Talk about adding insult to injury. Vision Stains is about as stupid as the title implies. A woman extracts people's eyeball juice at the moment of their death and injects it into her own so she can see their entire lives flash before her eyes. Seems like an excuse to show a lot of people getting needles in their eyes. Sweets is the kind of story an aging goth tells when he thinks he is l'artiste. It's so bad and so full of itself I kinda wanted to call my old goth friends, setup a dinner date with them, and then punch them all in their stupid faces. A woman has a relationship with a man where she feeds him a ton of candy. That part of the story is told as a flashback while she seems to be inexplicably breaking up with him, using purposely cliche and ironic dialogue. C'est de l'art! Then she goes to a party full of 50-year-old goths who really like eating. Guess what happens. Go on guess. The wrap-around isn't so much a story as an excuse to showcase Udo Kier.
Memorable Quote:
"How did you expect to write down the visions of something that doesn't even have eyes, yet?"
Stories -- 5/10
Cinematography -- 6/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 4/10
Acting -- 6/10
Nudity -- High
Gore -- Very High
Overall -- 5/10
3/6/2013
To the Devil a Daughter (Sykes; 1976)
http://i.imgur.com/gUMUKiO.jpg
My Dinner with Astaroth
Netflix Says:
A heretic priest plots to use a teenage nun in a depraved sexual pact with the forces of darkness.
Review:
A young nun is to be baptized in the blood of the devil, a.k.a. Astaroth, and become the living embodiment of him. Or her. Or it. Whatever. A novelist gets mixed up in the mess when he agrees to give the nun refuge from the Satanists. Not bad, not great. It's a little plodding near the beginning, but it picks up gradually. Dialogue is about as dry as one can expect out of a proper British production. One of the problems I have with movies about witchcraft is the writers can pull any silly thing out of their butts at the end and use it as a resolution. "As you know, Mr. Protagonist, if you step into the Circle of Blood without eating the unholy sacrament and devoting your soul to SATAN, you'll burn alive!" "Well, Mr. Antagonist, I read your book, so I know if I spit on the ground three times and do the Sauerkraut Dance, I'll be able to step into the Circle of Blood without a problem." Audience: "Wha?" There's a really goofy looking devil-baby puppet that crawls into Nastassja Kinski's vagina. Christopher Lee does a great job of smiling evilly. And one woman gives birth in the most painful way possible. Also, can somebody explain why so many people are willing to give up their lives in such painful manners for an apparent god who plans to torture them for eternity? I still don't get it.
Memorable Quote:
"Damn you! Daaaaammmnnnn yoooOOOOuuuUUU!!"
Story -- 6/10
Cinematography -- 5/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 6/10
Acting -- 7/10
Nudity -- Low
Gore -- Very Low
Overall -- 6/10
3/7/2013
Rites of Spring (Reynolds; 2011)
http://i.imgur.com/fRSiKYb.jpg
An offering of butter to the Corn Gods.
Netflix Says:
After plucking a young girl from her wealthy parents for ransom, a band of kidnappers find the tables are turned as their hideout winds up being a house of horrors.
Review:
Two women are kidnapped and served up as sacrifices for a wormy-eyed creature only referred to as the Rites of Spring. Meanwhile, a group of lowlifes kidnap a rich family's daughter and demand a ransom. Although, one lowlife isn't as much of a lowlife as the other lowlifes. Both groups collide. It kept me watching with some interest. Too much time is spent with the kidnappers. Most of the movie, actually. It takes too long to really get going, leaving mostly the last half-hour to be much of anything resembling horror movie. Unfortunately, said last half-hour turns into a by-the-numbers slasher. And by the numbers, I mean by the fucking numbers. When the Rites of Spring worm-faced dude is down to his final victim, he becomes inexplicably incompetent, doing whatever he can to not kill them. Hiding in a car? Spend two minutes attacking the windshield! The movie ends very abruptly and without much satisfaction. Not enough information is given about the worm-faced killer. I'm all for ambiguity, but there should be at least a few questions answered. A few more hints on why and how, and maybe a bit more history would've gone a long way.
Memorable Quote:
"He likes to take their heads."
Story -- 6/10
Cinematography -- 7/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 6/10
Acting -- 7/10
Nudity -- Low
Gore -- Some
Overall -- 6/10
03/08/2013
Blood Gnome (Lechago; 2004)
http://i.imgur.com/0Sk1fCf.jpg
If I were in this pile of crap, I'd look ashamed, too.
Netflix Says:
An investigator looks into a rash of sex murders that's engulfed the city and soon realizes that the carnage isn't the work of human hands.
Review:
Some lady has a monster in a box that gives birth to invisible Gremlin-sized creatures that she sets loose on the BDSM community. Horror film or PSA for BDSM? OMFG. I'm scraping the bottom of the Netflix barrel with this one. Incompetent doesn't describe it. Where do I even begin? The mythology is confused and poorly defined. The story progression is a joke, cause-and-effect wasn't even a consideration when the "script" was "written." Shit just happens. Acting that even pornographers would be embarrassed to use. It's shot at 4:3 aspect ratio on a discount camera the "cinematographer" probably bought at Wal-Mart. The gnomes are laughable puppets, shot on footage that's used over and over. Much of it plays like a silly recruitment video for the BDSM community. There's a boom mic easily visible in one scene. The lead character has a picture of his wife's bloody corpse decorating his wall. There's a full minute devoted to somebody reheating coffee. It's just terrible. It's so bad, I have to give it my lowest score ever. Avoid at all costs.
Memorable Quote:
"Listen, I don't doubt that you saw what you think you saw, but it's not possible."
Story -- 0/10
Cinematography -- 0/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 0/10
Acting -- 0/10
Nudity -- Very High
Gore -- Low
Overall -- 0/10
3/9/2013
Tamara (Haft; 2005)
http://i.imgur.com/5fP7L85.jpg
I'm too sexy for my grave.
Netflix Says:
In a high school prank gone horribly wrong, an outcast named Tamara is murdered, but her tormenters get off scot-free. Now, as a sexy siren returned from the grave with an arsenal of superpowers, Tamara dedicates her afterlife to exacting revenge.
Review:
An awkward high-school student named Tamara dies after a cruel prank-gone-wrong. She comes back for revenge. The film's greatest fault is that it's not scary. At all. It attempts to be occasionally scary, but the decision to not focus on any given character undermines them all. Honestly, this has been one of the easiest films to watch since I started the marathon. I'm almost on the verge of giving this a 7/10 score, but the majority of the dialogue is so stupid and some of the acting is so bad that I just can't bring myself to do it. Also, and I think I mentioned this, it's not scary. The script even manages to undermine that feeling of sick glee you get from a Tales from the Crypt episode when somebody who deserves it gets their just desserts. When somebody in a Tales from the Crypt story meets their demise, they usually realize they're fucked. In this, when somebody dies, they're essentially zombified and unaware of their actions. It takes the fun out of it. All these complaints aside, it's very easy to watch as long as you don't think too hard about it. Just don't expect to be blown away.
No memorable quotes.
Story -- 5/10
Cinematography -- 6/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 4/10
Acting -- 6/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- Some
Overall -- 6/10
3/10/13
Hypothermia (McKenney; 2010)
http://i.imgur.com/x9b9Lgh.jpg
The results of swimming in non-chlorinated water.
Netflix Says:
Two bickering families vacationing at a frozen lake miles from civilization must put aside their differences to fight a much greater enemy.
Review:
While on an ice fishing trip, a group of people are picked off by a monster that lives under the ice. It starts pretty strong. Moves at a nice clip. Keeps things interesting for a good while. But then the monster appears and shit starts falling apart big time. People start acting like complete fucking morons. Best example: So, a good portion of the film takes place inside a pimped-out ice house with four fishing holes in the floor. One guy, who I'll call Dumbfuck McGee witnesses two guys get torn apart by the monster. A monster, I might add, which is able to breathe underwater and run around on land. Not long afterward, what does Dumbfuck do? You guessed it! Exasperated about having his "let's make a break for the shore" plan shot down, he lays down on the floor, immediately beside the holes! Can you guess what happens? When you finally get a glimpse of the monster, it's ... frankly, it's embarrassing. It looks like a failed cross between Batman and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. And then the film makers foolishly show the thing in daylight. And to cap it all off, the final survivors get away because they beg this "prehistoric creature" for their lives. Fuck off.
Memorable Quote:
"Legs. That thing has legs all right. And I'm gonna slice those legs off. And I'm gonna fry 'em up. And I'm gonna eat 'em."
Story -- 4/10
Cinematography -- 5/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 3/10
Acting -- 7/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- Some
Overall -- 4/10
3/11/13
Rested
3/12/13
Black Swarm (Winning; 2007)
http://i.imgur.com/cvQpJs6.jpg
Buggyscotch Ice Cream
Netflix Says:
When she moves back to her small hometown, a policewoman discovers that lethal mutant wasps are turning people into zombie incubators.
Review:
Weaponized wasps attack a town. Yes. Weaponized wasps. I was convinced the movie was written by baboon that bashed its head against the keyboard over and over until something vaguely resembling a script appeared. The actors did their best with the material, but the material was bad enough to cause nosebleeds. Tone was all over the fucking map, one moment was serious, and the next was a weak attempt at humor. Every "joke" made me consider cutting my fucking wrists. The dialogue gave me eye-strain because I was rolling them so often. There was one set -- a large science lab hidden under a camper trailer -- that curb-stomped my suspension of disbelief. The computer effects were laughable and sometimes the actors didn't even appear to understand what was supposed to be going on. Oh, and if you were wondering, yes, there was a scene where a swarm of wasps sprayed out of a guy's mouth.
Memorable Quote:
"Kelsey, come inside. I don't like the way the sky sounds."
Story -- 1/10
Cinematography -- 5/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 2/10
Acting -- 5/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- None
Overall -- 2/10
3/13/13
Spliced (Wilding; 2002)
http://i.imgur.com/Lc4M7G1.jpg
Dollar Store Freddy
Netflix Says:
After fleeing the theater in fright at the screening of a horror movie, a teen girl is pursued by the film's villain, a deformed killer known as the Wisher, who soon begins invading her dreams and making her darkest wishes come true.
Review:
Fuck this movie. Fuck it right in the eye-hole. If I had been able to pull down my pants and take a steaming shit on it, I would've. I think the film makers believed they were celebrating schlocky horror. But, it was little more than a really bland and derivative turd until the final ten minutes, when it painted its very own genre as evil and the fans as easily manipulated. Was it their intent? No. More likely, the creative team were just incompetent. Had the film makers only ever seen Wishmaster and A Nightmare on Elm Street? Did they contemptuously believe they could produce something better? If so, why did they shoot their film in 4:3 ratio in 2002? Was soft-matting still a thing or did they think straight-to-video was the way to go? Why were there stupid supernatural elements sprinkled around the story if in the end it was just a brainwashed psychopath? Why did the film-inside-the-film look better than the actual film itself? And why would a film with successful subliminal messages continue to be shown anywhere ever? Fuck this movie.
No memorable quotes, because fuck this movie.
Story -- 1/10
Cinematography -- 2/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 2/10
Acting -- 2/10
Nudity -- Low
Gore -- Very Low
Overall -- 1/10
3/14/13
Playback (Nickles; 2012)
http://i.imgur.com/O2bSKQI.jpg
This shit is epic meta, brah.
Netflix Says:
Harlan Diehl slaughtered his family, capturing the deed on video. When students learning about the case watch the tape, they unleash a powerful evil.
Review:
Some old dead dude passed his soul through generations of his own family using film and video, and now has his sights set on the main character. Pretty bland and middling. Nothing really exciting ever happened. The mythology was unclear and underdeveloped. There was a lot of perfunctory scenes. For example, the villain murdered a pair of school kids who had little if anything to do with the storyline. I guess they felt obligated to turn up the body count. The kid playing the possessed villain wasn't scary or intimidating in the least. Yeah, that was really it. I guess its greatest crime was that it was just there, taking up space on my television and giving me no reason to feel any kind of emotional engagement. This thing could cure insomnia. Permanently.
Memorable Quote:
"The legend is something that only people in the know would know."
Story -- 3/10
Cinematography -- 4/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 3/10
Acting -- 5/10
Nudity -- Low
Gore -- Some
Overall -- 3/10
3/15/13
The Rig (Atencia; 2010)
http://i.imgur.com/xUbN9oe.jpg
I've just discovered the stupidest plot device ever.
Netflix Says:
As a tropical storm approaches the Louisiana coast, an oil rig is evacuated. The few workers that remain batten down the hatches, unaware that a voracious evil threatens their lives more than any hurricane.
Review:
The crew of an oil rig are picked off by a pair of sleestaks. I went into this one really wanting to like it. The description made it seem like an easy slam-dunk. How misguided I was. Every character was a fucking moron, many of them finding the flimsiest reasons to break away from the group. And how many damn times did we need to see the establishing shot of the rig? Fifteen? Twenty? We already knew where the fucking characters were! And why the fuck did we need flashbacks to things that happened five minutes ago? Who was your target demographic, Anchor Bay? Alzheimer's patients? And why, why for the love of all that is holy, did the climax of the movie happen almost fifteen minutes before the end? Did you dumbfucks actually think that a ten-minute scene of two side-characters searching the rig would be interesting? I got news for you! It wasn't! No matter how bombastic the soundtrack was! But, wait! There's more! How did the pencil-neck "hunter" character figure out that the sleestaks' blood was flammable? By pouring some on a table and lighting it on fire. Yep. Talk about lucky gueses! And you read that right ... the monsters' blood was flammable. Oh, and the scene where one guy tries to get the other guy to smell his farts? Genius. Bra-fucking-vo.
Memorable Quote:
"I don't know what this thing is, but it's not here for food. It likes to kill us. One by one."
Story -- 1/10
Cinematography -- 4/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 2/10
Acting -- 5/10
Nudity -- Some
Gore -- Some
Overall -- 2/10
3/16/13
Dark House (Scott, 2009)
http://i.imgur.com/ruvXroe.jpg
I've seen worse nose-jobs.
Netflix Says:
Trying to exorcise her worst memories, Claire returns to the foster home where she witnessed a terrible massacre years ago. But she and her friends soon find they've been locked inside with an evil spirit who wants to perpetrate another mass murder.
Review:
A group of annoying college actors are killed by holograms-made-solid in a house of horrors attraction. Not nearly as painful as some of the movies I've watched this month, but it certainly was one of the stupidest. The dialogue was painful right from the first line. And as much as I love Jeffery Combs, they really needed to reel him in. One of the biggest questions the film makers didn't answer successfully was, why, if you were able to produce completely realistic-looking holograms somehow using current technology, would you have needed to hire actors in the first place? And just how did you expect the audience to believe they could produce such realistic and lifelike holograms? People won't suspend disbelief because your characters "did research" and have a really big computer. But, the pièce de résistance was when they foisted not one, but two twist endings on us. Both of which were stupid enough to make M. Night Shyamalan blush.
Memorable Quotes:
"The facts don't lie, buddy. They never lie."
Story -- 2/10
Cinematography -- 5/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 2/10
Acting -- 4/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- High
Overall -- 3/10
3/17/13
The Pact (McCarthy; 2012)
http://i.imgur.com/Xy4DHIh.jpg
She needs a chiropractor.
Netflix Says:
Feeling obligated to return home for the funeral of the mother she despised, Annie soon senses an evil presence in her childhood home. As she seeks answers about her mother's death, Annie is forced to face demons from her past.
Review:
A simple, well made ghost story. No, it wasn't perfect. There were a few plot holes, but they were forgivable. It had been a while since I'd seen a film use silence so effectively, and have the confidence not to rupture it with SUDDEN LOUD SCARY NOISES!! Kudos to the film makers for imbuing slow zooms with such heavy dread. Enough so that I caught myself occasionally looking away from the screen. All right, so the story lost a little of its charm when the big secret was revealed. But, again, forgivable. Outside of those complaints, there were none. Solid acting, even pacing, efficient dialogue, and it made good use of its small budget. Oh, wait, there was one. The poster art was terrible. The movie, though, was worth watching.
Memorable Quote:
"She's taking all the light."
Story -- 6/10
Cinematography -- 7/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 7/10
Acting -- 7/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- Low
Overall -- 7/10
3/18/2013
Demon Kiss (Devine; 2008)
http://i.imgur.com/eBXahuI.jpg
Hello, police? I'm being stalked by the spirit of bad acting.
Netflix Says:
When an attempt to summon a demon using the sacrifice of a prostitute misfires, the evil entity possesses the body of the intended victim instead. But with the ability to leap between hosts, can it be stopped before it tracks down its target?
Review:
A demon jumps from prostitute to prostitute, looking for the descendant of Mary Magdalene, so it can find the second coming of Jesus and seduce him. Or something. Making fun of this movie is like dumping a handicapped person out of their wheelchair and kicking them a few times. They don't have a chance to defend themselves. It's bad. It's ... really bad. There is so much nothing happening for such arduous and extended periods of time that I find myself wishing I were watching something more competent. Like Blood Gnome. If I were to attempt to type out all that's wrong with it, I would awaken disoriented three weeks from now with fingers worn to the bone. There's virtually no story progression, it's mostly a series of "scenes" where people stand around and talk in dull monotone. The acting ... I can't call it acting. I don't even think anybody tries. It looks like it's lit by a guy holding a flashlight and the lens is covered with a shit-stained towel. Do you like muddy brown? Have we got the film for you! People stand on the edge of the frame. 85% of the shots are medium shots with an occasional medium track-shot for artistic flair. The music sounds like somebody sitting on an electronic keyboard. It's ... just ... so very bad! Not even occasional spread-eagle taco-shots make this abomination watchable. If you do plan to watch it, play my Demon Kiss Drinking Game: Swill down a bottle of cheap Irish whiskey for every time you press Play. You'll spend the night vomiting, and you might die, but at least you won't have to watch this shit.
Memorable Quote:
"I'm sorry for the situation, but I read your book, and you really seem to get into the minds of hookers."
Story -- 0/10
Cinematography -- 0/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 0/10
Acting -- 0/10
Nudity -- Very High
Gore -- High
Overall -- 0/10
3/19/13
Parasitic (Martin; 2012)
http://i.imgur.com/aChCvxb.jpg
I told you those tanning booths were bad news!
Netflix Says:
A group of friends are trapped inside a nightclub with an unseen terror and must fight to survive and destroy the creature before it gets loose.
Review:
A prehensile penis grows out of the throat of a woman with huge fake breasts and she goes on a rampage through a nightclub. In the world where Parasitic takes place, there are no such things as emergency exits. Nobody even brings up the possibility of leaving through them. And the windows are, as one character so eloquently puts it, "fucking barred on the outside, man!" The characters whine about how there is only one exit and how cock-neck lady has the only key. When the characters aren't being idiots, they're being annoying. Every woman in the cast has that irritating California-Valley accent. One of them is particularly annoying, delivering every single fucking line with the same inflection. You know, like, ah-mah-gawd, that inflection that always ends with, like, a question mark? The dialogue attempts to be comical and lively, but it's neither. It's tedious and flat. The movie runs 78 minutes, but the script is so anemic that scenes are padded to meet it.
Memorable Quote:
"Dude, we're not in fucking library!"
Story -- 1/10
Cinematography -- 4/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 1/10
Acting -- 2/10
Nudity -- Some
Gore -- Very Low
Overall -- 1/10
03/20/13
Giallo (Argento; 2009)
http://i.imgur.com/tWStiG1.jpg
Kiko just learned her destination is Florida.
Netflix Says:
Adrien Brody stars as Insp. Enzo Avolfi, who trails a sadistic serial killer in this thriller from Italian horror master Dario Argento.
Review:
A living cartoon kidnaps beautiful women and murders them. A brooding Adrien Brody to the rescue! It starts out strongly enough, seems to be living up to its name, until things start veering off-course. Somebody expecting a true giallo is going to be sorely disappointed. The villain, a laughable stereotype of an Italian thug, the actor buried under lumpy yellow make-up, is revealed close to the forty-five minute mark. We even get a brief flashback to his early childhood. We also get an unbelievable childhood tale about Brody's detective character. For that matter, there's a fair amount of unbelievable stuff. Why would any detective reveal his entire investigation to a civilian, let alone the sister of the villain's current victim? Why would his superiors allow him to take her with him everywhere he goes? I just can't buy it. But, you know, despite all this, it moves at a nice clip and things never veer into boredom. Aside from the villain, the acting is solid. And it looks good, although not as good as one would come to expect from Argento.
Memorable Quote:
"Kiss-kiss no more."
Story -- 4/10
Cinematography -- 6/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 5/10
Acting -- 7/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- Some
Overall -- 6/10
SPRING BREAK WHOOOO!
04/02/2013
Devil Seed (2012; Sager)
http://i.imgur.com/nZNNLTf.jpg
She's not a night person.
Netflix Says:
A college coed's psychic reading goes horrifically wrong, and the next day, she wakes possessed by a demonic entity, experiencing mysterious scratch marks all over her body and terrifying hallucinations.
Review:
A woman gets possessed by a demon and all kinds of spooky shit happens. I have to admit, these days I cringe when I see the credit, "Written, Edited and Directed By." I think, Ooh, God, another low-budget ego project by a nobody. And let's not kid ourselves, this movie was made on a pretty damn low budget. After a cracking good first act, the movie tips over and lets the wheels spin. Okay, that's not entirely true. There are plot points, and the vehicle does move, but it moves slowly. Despite this, it has decent pacing and remains watchable throughout. I don't really have much explanation for it. Maybe the dialogue seemed natural enough that it carried me through the slower, more repetitious scenes. Or maybe the two lead women were attractive enough that I tuned the dialogue out. Either way, most of the problems with the film are minor, but there's so many that they start to pile on. The acting is spotty. The script is spotty. The cinematography is spotty. The lighting is spotty. The make-up is spotty. The CG is spotty. The continuity is spotty. But, there's no single overwhelming problem. Oh, and the ending is spotty. Actually, "spotty" isn't the right word. Maybe more like "eye-rolly."
No Memorable Quotes
Story -- 4/10
Cinematography -- 5/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 5/10
Acting -- 5/10
Nudity -- Low
Gore -- Very Low
Overall -- 5/10
04/03/2013
House Hunting (2013; Hurt)
http://i.imgur.com/4kwWltM.jpg
Canadian ghost, eh.
Netflix Says:
Upon entering a deserted farmhouse, two families discover that every attempt to leave takes them right back in. Stuck in purgatory, they are haunted by the home's former owner, who declares only one clan will be able to call the house their home.
Review:
A pair of fucked up families get trapped in a house located in the Twilight Zone and start to become all kill-y. I never once thought I would have to say this about one of my marathon movies, but ... I may need to digest this one for a bit. Initial impressions are good. Pretty damn good, actually. Outside of a few janky edits and a sadly predictable ending, it's very watchable, and dare I say entertaining. It looks good. It moves at a terrific pace. Everybody does a great job in front of the camera. Well, okay, the guy playing the skeevy son is occasionally clunky, but it's not so frequent that it becomes a problem. Sometimes it does feel like it's just turning its wheels, and there are a few moments that seem out of place, but the story always picks itself up after it stumbles. And, frankly, it's nice to see Marc Singer working again. I dunno, folks. I think I may have found my favorite film of the marathon so far. Give it a try.
Memorable Quote:
"There won't be any help until all the problems in that house are dealt with."
Story -- 7/10
Cinematography -- 7/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 7/10
Acting -- 7/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- Very Low
Overall -- 7/10
Crawlspace (Schmoeller; 1986)
http://i.imgur.com/bAIqem1.jpg
I feel your pain, Klaus.
Netflix Says:
Klaus Kinski is at his creepy best as Karl Gunther, whose boarding house for young women hides some sinister secrets.
Review:
Klaus Kinski owns an apartment building with a bunch of special air vents that allow him to spy on his tenants. The majority of his screen-time is spent staring. Then he kills people off-screen and collects occasional off-screen body parts, which he then put into on-screen mason jars. His tongue, eyeball, and finger collections are quite meager. The movie is dull and it's populated with a number of boneheads. One character badly lip-syncs an entire ear-breaking song. One perv spies on the women and gets spied on by Kinski. One dumbfuck waltzes into Kinski's apartment and has a seat at a table full of incriminating evidence, even though he already suspects Kinski is a murderer. People hide in plain sight. The final half-hour is one character literally crawling in circles through the air-ducts, popping her head out in the same fucking room over and over again.
Memorable Quote:
"Become a friend of the rats."
Story -- 3/10
Cinematography -- 5/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 4/10
Acting -- 6/10
Nudity -- Some
Gore -- Some
Overall -- 4/10
3/2/2012
Hellraiser: Revelations (Garcia; 2011)
http://i.imgur.com/ZRV96Ov.jpg
We have such shit to show you.
Netflix Says:
In this ninth installment of the Hellraiser franchise, two friends discover a puzzle box in Mexico, which opens a gateway to Hell.
Review:
Worst. Pinhead. Ever. Seriously, how did they think this goofy, puffy-faced pencilneck could replace the original? Granted, it's difficult to gauge his acting abilities when he's given such terrible dialogue. The writer tries desperately to emulate Pinhead's dialogue from the first two and the results are hilarious. Honestly, I had a hell of a time picking which line to use as my memorable quote. Aside from him, the lead kid is a fucking black hole of acting. He's so bad he pulls the rest of the cast into his singularity of suck. Not that any of the dialogue is worth saying, anyway. If you've seen the original, there are no surprises. Outside of the hideous dialogue and laughable acting, there are plot-holes galore. So, people can die when they're already in Hell? Explain it to me, Mr. Screenwriter. I need to understand. Also, please explain to me Mr. Director, why one guy would just stand there like a fucking dumbass and watch his friend get his face carved off by a hobo. And why do so many people in Tijuana have American accents? And do I really have to listen to one character yell, "Whoo! Tijuana!!" so damn many times? I'm sure I'll never get a solid answer.
Memorable Quote:
"Now there is a deficit of flesh. Debt is outstanding. And we seek payment."
Story -- 1/10
Cinematography -- 5/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 1/10
Acting -- 2/10
Nudity -- Some
Gore -- High
Overall -- 2/10
3/3/2012
The Road (Laranas; 2011)
http://i.imgur.com/DagVQty.jpg
Come outside and be boring with me.
Netflix Says:
When three teenagers disappear after a joyride, detective Luis Medina connects the events to a 12-year-old cold case with eerie similarities.
Review:
Netflix's description is completely misleading. I will start off by saying the film looks gorgeous. But, the story needs some fucking Viagra. It moves slower than a stoned sloth wearing a turtle shell. The film makers break it up into different eras, titling each one. Part 1: 2008, Part 2: 1998, and Part 3: 1988. Part 1 is inevitably unnecessary to the story, but it goes on for a snooze-inducing thirty minutes, piling on the time by repeating the same scares over and over. Part 2 moves at the same break-nothing pace, but retains some interest as it answers a few questions from Part 1. Then Part 3 blindsides us with a ton of back-story that would have been much more effective if it had actually been Part 2. And again, it takes its sweet fucking time lingering and lingering and fucking lingering on shots. Get on with it! Then, in the final ten minutes, almost as if the film makers realize they have overstayed their welcome, they wrap everything up in the most flaccid, implausible, and angering way possible. Oh, is that what was happening in the scene at the beginning of the movie? Bravo, Mr. Writer-Director. You're a fucking genius. Get off my lawn.
No Memorable Quotes
Story -- 6/10
Cinematography -- 8/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 5/10
Acting -- 7/10
Pacing -- 4/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- Very Low
Overall -- 6/10
3/4/2013
Zombies vs. Strippers (Nicolaou; 2012)
http://i.imgur.com/sdiokCF.jpg
That's some damn good blocking, Carl.
Netflix Says:
A local strip club owner sees his establishment finally getting the traffic he's always wanted; unfortunately, most of his patrons are undead.
Review:
Full Moon is still making movies?? I'm kind of at a loss for words. How can I bash something that tries so hard to be bad? The dialogue is geared to be hammy and there are plenty of cringe-worthy lines. The story goes nowhere, as expected. It's obvious the sound equipment went haywire during one day of filming. When there's make-up it's pretty bad. Eye-lines are all kinds of fucked-up. The person in charge of continuity must've been stoned. Acting is laughable. But, I don't know, I just can't bring myself to hate it. Maybe it was the abundance of boobs? Yeah, that's probably it.
Memorable Quote:
"Man, 'puncture the brain' would've been a sweet-ass band name. Too bad my music career's fucked."
Story -- 1/10
Cinematography -- 1/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 1/10
Acting -- 1/10
Nudity -- Very High
Gore -- High
Overall -- 2/10
3/5/2013
The Theatre Bizarre (Buck, Giovanazzo, Gregory, Hussain, Kasten, Savini, Stanley ; 2011)
http://i.imgur.com/f7s7B3h.jpg
The years have not been kind to Mr. Kier.
Netflix Says:
When a girl wanders into an abandoned theater, she's treated to a show with surreal tales of bizarre sexuality and horror, including a couple's encounter with a seductive witch and a woman who sees others' memories by stealing their eyeball fluid.
Review:
Like many anthologies, this was pretty miss-or-miss. Break it down, yo. The Mother of Toads is an ode to Lovecraft and has a surprising appearance by Catriona MacColl doing a cartoony French accent. It's melodramatic and the music is cloying and the ending is meh. And it's the best horror story of the bunch! I Love You goes nowhere fast. Another meh ending to a pretty meh story about a guy, his unfaithful wife, and how he reacts when she tells him she's leaving. Guess what happens! I bet you can't! Oh, did I say can't? I meant, you've probably already guessed correctly. Wet Dreams is directed by Tom Savini, of all people. Remember that Kids in the Hall sketch where the characters kept waking up from dream after dream after dream after dream? Yeah, that's this story, but with fewer laughs and more severed penises. The Accident isn't even a horror story. A little girl learns about death in the most mundane way possible. Better suited for a Lifetime Channel short, despite being the strongest story of the bunch. With the best acting! Talk about adding insult to injury. Vision Stains is about as stupid as the title implies. A woman extracts people's eyeball juice at the moment of their death and injects it into her own so she can see their entire lives flash before her eyes. Seems like an excuse to show a lot of people getting needles in their eyes. Sweets is the kind of story an aging goth tells when he thinks he is l'artiste. It's so bad and so full of itself I kinda wanted to call my old goth friends, setup a dinner date with them, and then punch them all in their stupid faces. A woman has a relationship with a man where she feeds him a ton of candy. That part of the story is told as a flashback while she seems to be inexplicably breaking up with him, using purposely cliche and ironic dialogue. C'est de l'art! Then she goes to a party full of 50-year-old goths who really like eating. Guess what happens. Go on guess. The wrap-around isn't so much a story as an excuse to showcase Udo Kier.
Memorable Quote:
"How did you expect to write down the visions of something that doesn't even have eyes, yet?"
Stories -- 5/10
Cinematography -- 6/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 4/10
Acting -- 6/10
Nudity -- High
Gore -- Very High
Overall -- 5/10
3/6/2013
To the Devil a Daughter (Sykes; 1976)
http://i.imgur.com/gUMUKiO.jpg
My Dinner with Astaroth
Netflix Says:
A heretic priest plots to use a teenage nun in a depraved sexual pact with the forces of darkness.
Review:
A young nun is to be baptized in the blood of the devil, a.k.a. Astaroth, and become the living embodiment of him. Or her. Or it. Whatever. A novelist gets mixed up in the mess when he agrees to give the nun refuge from the Satanists. Not bad, not great. It's a little plodding near the beginning, but it picks up gradually. Dialogue is about as dry as one can expect out of a proper British production. One of the problems I have with movies about witchcraft is the writers can pull any silly thing out of their butts at the end and use it as a resolution. "As you know, Mr. Protagonist, if you step into the Circle of Blood without eating the unholy sacrament and devoting your soul to SATAN, you'll burn alive!" "Well, Mr. Antagonist, I read your book, so I know if I spit on the ground three times and do the Sauerkraut Dance, I'll be able to step into the Circle of Blood without a problem." Audience: "Wha?" There's a really goofy looking devil-baby puppet that crawls into Nastassja Kinski's vagina. Christopher Lee does a great job of smiling evilly. And one woman gives birth in the most painful way possible. Also, can somebody explain why so many people are willing to give up their lives in such painful manners for an apparent god who plans to torture them for eternity? I still don't get it.
Memorable Quote:
"Damn you! Daaaaammmnnnn yoooOOOOuuuUUU!!"
Story -- 6/10
Cinematography -- 5/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 6/10
Acting -- 7/10
Nudity -- Low
Gore -- Very Low
Overall -- 6/10
3/7/2013
Rites of Spring (Reynolds; 2011)
http://i.imgur.com/fRSiKYb.jpg
An offering of butter to the Corn Gods.
Netflix Says:
After plucking a young girl from her wealthy parents for ransom, a band of kidnappers find the tables are turned as their hideout winds up being a house of horrors.
Review:
Two women are kidnapped and served up as sacrifices for a wormy-eyed creature only referred to as the Rites of Spring. Meanwhile, a group of lowlifes kidnap a rich family's daughter and demand a ransom. Although, one lowlife isn't as much of a lowlife as the other lowlifes. Both groups collide. It kept me watching with some interest. Too much time is spent with the kidnappers. Most of the movie, actually. It takes too long to really get going, leaving mostly the last half-hour to be much of anything resembling horror movie. Unfortunately, said last half-hour turns into a by-the-numbers slasher. And by the numbers, I mean by the fucking numbers. When the Rites of Spring worm-faced dude is down to his final victim, he becomes inexplicably incompetent, doing whatever he can to not kill them. Hiding in a car? Spend two minutes attacking the windshield! The movie ends very abruptly and without much satisfaction. Not enough information is given about the worm-faced killer. I'm all for ambiguity, but there should be at least a few questions answered. A few more hints on why and how, and maybe a bit more history would've gone a long way.
Memorable Quote:
"He likes to take their heads."
Story -- 6/10
Cinematography -- 7/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 6/10
Acting -- 7/10
Nudity -- Low
Gore -- Some
Overall -- 6/10
03/08/2013
Blood Gnome (Lechago; 2004)
http://i.imgur.com/0Sk1fCf.jpg
If I were in this pile of crap, I'd look ashamed, too.
Netflix Says:
An investigator looks into a rash of sex murders that's engulfed the city and soon realizes that the carnage isn't the work of human hands.
Review:
Some lady has a monster in a box that gives birth to invisible Gremlin-sized creatures that she sets loose on the BDSM community. Horror film or PSA for BDSM? OMFG. I'm scraping the bottom of the Netflix barrel with this one. Incompetent doesn't describe it. Where do I even begin? The mythology is confused and poorly defined. The story progression is a joke, cause-and-effect wasn't even a consideration when the "script" was "written." Shit just happens. Acting that even pornographers would be embarrassed to use. It's shot at 4:3 aspect ratio on a discount camera the "cinematographer" probably bought at Wal-Mart. The gnomes are laughable puppets, shot on footage that's used over and over. Much of it plays like a silly recruitment video for the BDSM community. There's a boom mic easily visible in one scene. The lead character has a picture of his wife's bloody corpse decorating his wall. There's a full minute devoted to somebody reheating coffee. It's just terrible. It's so bad, I have to give it my lowest score ever. Avoid at all costs.
Memorable Quote:
"Listen, I don't doubt that you saw what you think you saw, but it's not possible."
Story -- 0/10
Cinematography -- 0/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 0/10
Acting -- 0/10
Nudity -- Very High
Gore -- Low
Overall -- 0/10
3/9/2013
Tamara (Haft; 2005)
http://i.imgur.com/5fP7L85.jpg
I'm too sexy for my grave.
Netflix Says:
In a high school prank gone horribly wrong, an outcast named Tamara is murdered, but her tormenters get off scot-free. Now, as a sexy siren returned from the grave with an arsenal of superpowers, Tamara dedicates her afterlife to exacting revenge.
Review:
An awkward high-school student named Tamara dies after a cruel prank-gone-wrong. She comes back for revenge. The film's greatest fault is that it's not scary. At all. It attempts to be occasionally scary, but the decision to not focus on any given character undermines them all. Honestly, this has been one of the easiest films to watch since I started the marathon. I'm almost on the verge of giving this a 7/10 score, but the majority of the dialogue is so stupid and some of the acting is so bad that I just can't bring myself to do it. Also, and I think I mentioned this, it's not scary. The script even manages to undermine that feeling of sick glee you get from a Tales from the Crypt episode when somebody who deserves it gets their just desserts. When somebody in a Tales from the Crypt story meets their demise, they usually realize they're fucked. In this, when somebody dies, they're essentially zombified and unaware of their actions. It takes the fun out of it. All these complaints aside, it's very easy to watch as long as you don't think too hard about it. Just don't expect to be blown away.
No memorable quotes.
Story -- 5/10
Cinematography -- 6/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 4/10
Acting -- 6/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- Some
Overall -- 6/10
3/10/13
Hypothermia (McKenney; 2010)
http://i.imgur.com/x9b9Lgh.jpg
The results of swimming in non-chlorinated water.
Netflix Says:
Two bickering families vacationing at a frozen lake miles from civilization must put aside their differences to fight a much greater enemy.
Review:
While on an ice fishing trip, a group of people are picked off by a monster that lives under the ice. It starts pretty strong. Moves at a nice clip. Keeps things interesting for a good while. But then the monster appears and shit starts falling apart big time. People start acting like complete fucking morons. Best example: So, a good portion of the film takes place inside a pimped-out ice house with four fishing holes in the floor. One guy, who I'll call Dumbfuck McGee witnesses two guys get torn apart by the monster. A monster, I might add, which is able to breathe underwater and run around on land. Not long afterward, what does Dumbfuck do? You guessed it! Exasperated about having his "let's make a break for the shore" plan shot down, he lays down on the floor, immediately beside the holes! Can you guess what happens? When you finally get a glimpse of the monster, it's ... frankly, it's embarrassing. It looks like a failed cross between Batman and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. And then the film makers foolishly show the thing in daylight. And to cap it all off, the final survivors get away because they beg this "prehistoric creature" for their lives. Fuck off.
Memorable Quote:
"Legs. That thing has legs all right. And I'm gonna slice those legs off. And I'm gonna fry 'em up. And I'm gonna eat 'em."
Story -- 4/10
Cinematography -- 5/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 3/10
Acting -- 7/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- Some
Overall -- 4/10
3/11/13
Rested
3/12/13
Black Swarm (Winning; 2007)
http://i.imgur.com/cvQpJs6.jpg
Buggyscotch Ice Cream
Netflix Says:
When she moves back to her small hometown, a policewoman discovers that lethal mutant wasps are turning people into zombie incubators.
Review:
Weaponized wasps attack a town. Yes. Weaponized wasps. I was convinced the movie was written by baboon that bashed its head against the keyboard over and over until something vaguely resembling a script appeared. The actors did their best with the material, but the material was bad enough to cause nosebleeds. Tone was all over the fucking map, one moment was serious, and the next was a weak attempt at humor. Every "joke" made me consider cutting my fucking wrists. The dialogue gave me eye-strain because I was rolling them so often. There was one set -- a large science lab hidden under a camper trailer -- that curb-stomped my suspension of disbelief. The computer effects were laughable and sometimes the actors didn't even appear to understand what was supposed to be going on. Oh, and if you were wondering, yes, there was a scene where a swarm of wasps sprayed out of a guy's mouth.
Memorable Quote:
"Kelsey, come inside. I don't like the way the sky sounds."
Story -- 1/10
Cinematography -- 5/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 2/10
Acting -- 5/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- None
Overall -- 2/10
3/13/13
Spliced (Wilding; 2002)
http://i.imgur.com/Lc4M7G1.jpg
Dollar Store Freddy
Netflix Says:
After fleeing the theater in fright at the screening of a horror movie, a teen girl is pursued by the film's villain, a deformed killer known as the Wisher, who soon begins invading her dreams and making her darkest wishes come true.
Review:
Fuck this movie. Fuck it right in the eye-hole. If I had been able to pull down my pants and take a steaming shit on it, I would've. I think the film makers believed they were celebrating schlocky horror. But, it was little more than a really bland and derivative turd until the final ten minutes, when it painted its very own genre as evil and the fans as easily manipulated. Was it their intent? No. More likely, the creative team were just incompetent. Had the film makers only ever seen Wishmaster and A Nightmare on Elm Street? Did they contemptuously believe they could produce something better? If so, why did they shoot their film in 4:3 ratio in 2002? Was soft-matting still a thing or did they think straight-to-video was the way to go? Why were there stupid supernatural elements sprinkled around the story if in the end it was just a brainwashed psychopath? Why did the film-inside-the-film look better than the actual film itself? And why would a film with successful subliminal messages continue to be shown anywhere ever? Fuck this movie.
No memorable quotes, because fuck this movie.
Story -- 1/10
Cinematography -- 2/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 2/10
Acting -- 2/10
Nudity -- Low
Gore -- Very Low
Overall -- 1/10
3/14/13
Playback (Nickles; 2012)
http://i.imgur.com/O2bSKQI.jpg
This shit is epic meta, brah.
Netflix Says:
Harlan Diehl slaughtered his family, capturing the deed on video. When students learning about the case watch the tape, they unleash a powerful evil.
Review:
Some old dead dude passed his soul through generations of his own family using film and video, and now has his sights set on the main character. Pretty bland and middling. Nothing really exciting ever happened. The mythology was unclear and underdeveloped. There was a lot of perfunctory scenes. For example, the villain murdered a pair of school kids who had little if anything to do with the storyline. I guess they felt obligated to turn up the body count. The kid playing the possessed villain wasn't scary or intimidating in the least. Yeah, that was really it. I guess its greatest crime was that it was just there, taking up space on my television and giving me no reason to feel any kind of emotional engagement. This thing could cure insomnia. Permanently.
Memorable Quote:
"The legend is something that only people in the know would know."
Story -- 3/10
Cinematography -- 4/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 3/10
Acting -- 5/10
Nudity -- Low
Gore -- Some
Overall -- 3/10
3/15/13
The Rig (Atencia; 2010)
http://i.imgur.com/xUbN9oe.jpg
I've just discovered the stupidest plot device ever.
Netflix Says:
As a tropical storm approaches the Louisiana coast, an oil rig is evacuated. The few workers that remain batten down the hatches, unaware that a voracious evil threatens their lives more than any hurricane.
Review:
The crew of an oil rig are picked off by a pair of sleestaks. I went into this one really wanting to like it. The description made it seem like an easy slam-dunk. How misguided I was. Every character was a fucking moron, many of them finding the flimsiest reasons to break away from the group. And how many damn times did we need to see the establishing shot of the rig? Fifteen? Twenty? We already knew where the fucking characters were! And why the fuck did we need flashbacks to things that happened five minutes ago? Who was your target demographic, Anchor Bay? Alzheimer's patients? And why, why for the love of all that is holy, did the climax of the movie happen almost fifteen minutes before the end? Did you dumbfucks actually think that a ten-minute scene of two side-characters searching the rig would be interesting? I got news for you! It wasn't! No matter how bombastic the soundtrack was! But, wait! There's more! How did the pencil-neck "hunter" character figure out that the sleestaks' blood was flammable? By pouring some on a table and lighting it on fire. Yep. Talk about lucky gueses! And you read that right ... the monsters' blood was flammable. Oh, and the scene where one guy tries to get the other guy to smell his farts? Genius. Bra-fucking-vo.
Memorable Quote:
"I don't know what this thing is, but it's not here for food. It likes to kill us. One by one."
Story -- 1/10
Cinematography -- 4/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 2/10
Acting -- 5/10
Nudity -- Some
Gore -- Some
Overall -- 2/10
3/16/13
Dark House (Scott, 2009)
http://i.imgur.com/ruvXroe.jpg
I've seen worse nose-jobs.
Netflix Says:
Trying to exorcise her worst memories, Claire returns to the foster home where she witnessed a terrible massacre years ago. But she and her friends soon find they've been locked inside with an evil spirit who wants to perpetrate another mass murder.
Review:
A group of annoying college actors are killed by holograms-made-solid in a house of horrors attraction. Not nearly as painful as some of the movies I've watched this month, but it certainly was one of the stupidest. The dialogue was painful right from the first line. And as much as I love Jeffery Combs, they really needed to reel him in. One of the biggest questions the film makers didn't answer successfully was, why, if you were able to produce completely realistic-looking holograms somehow using current technology, would you have needed to hire actors in the first place? And just how did you expect the audience to believe they could produce such realistic and lifelike holograms? People won't suspend disbelief because your characters "did research" and have a really big computer. But, the pièce de résistance was when they foisted not one, but two twist endings on us. Both of which were stupid enough to make M. Night Shyamalan blush.
Memorable Quotes:
"The facts don't lie, buddy. They never lie."
Story -- 2/10
Cinematography -- 5/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 2/10
Acting -- 4/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- High
Overall -- 3/10
3/17/13
The Pact (McCarthy; 2012)
http://i.imgur.com/Xy4DHIh.jpg
She needs a chiropractor.
Netflix Says:
Feeling obligated to return home for the funeral of the mother she despised, Annie soon senses an evil presence in her childhood home. As she seeks answers about her mother's death, Annie is forced to face demons from her past.
Review:
A simple, well made ghost story. No, it wasn't perfect. There were a few plot holes, but they were forgivable. It had been a while since I'd seen a film use silence so effectively, and have the confidence not to rupture it with SUDDEN LOUD SCARY NOISES!! Kudos to the film makers for imbuing slow zooms with such heavy dread. Enough so that I caught myself occasionally looking away from the screen. All right, so the story lost a little of its charm when the big secret was revealed. But, again, forgivable. Outside of those complaints, there were none. Solid acting, even pacing, efficient dialogue, and it made good use of its small budget. Oh, wait, there was one. The poster art was terrible. The movie, though, was worth watching.
Memorable Quote:
"She's taking all the light."
Story -- 6/10
Cinematography -- 7/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 7/10
Acting -- 7/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- Low
Overall -- 7/10
3/18/2013
Demon Kiss (Devine; 2008)
http://i.imgur.com/eBXahuI.jpg
Hello, police? I'm being stalked by the spirit of bad acting.
Netflix Says:
When an attempt to summon a demon using the sacrifice of a prostitute misfires, the evil entity possesses the body of the intended victim instead. But with the ability to leap between hosts, can it be stopped before it tracks down its target?
Review:
A demon jumps from prostitute to prostitute, looking for the descendant of Mary Magdalene, so it can find the second coming of Jesus and seduce him. Or something. Making fun of this movie is like dumping a handicapped person out of their wheelchair and kicking them a few times. They don't have a chance to defend themselves. It's bad. It's ... really bad. There is so much nothing happening for such arduous and extended periods of time that I find myself wishing I were watching something more competent. Like Blood Gnome. If I were to attempt to type out all that's wrong with it, I would awaken disoriented three weeks from now with fingers worn to the bone. There's virtually no story progression, it's mostly a series of "scenes" where people stand around and talk in dull monotone. The acting ... I can't call it acting. I don't even think anybody tries. It looks like it's lit by a guy holding a flashlight and the lens is covered with a shit-stained towel. Do you like muddy brown? Have we got the film for you! People stand on the edge of the frame. 85% of the shots are medium shots with an occasional medium track-shot for artistic flair. The music sounds like somebody sitting on an electronic keyboard. It's ... just ... so very bad! Not even occasional spread-eagle taco-shots make this abomination watchable. If you do plan to watch it, play my Demon Kiss Drinking Game: Swill down a bottle of cheap Irish whiskey for every time you press Play. You'll spend the night vomiting, and you might die, but at least you won't have to watch this shit.
Memorable Quote:
"I'm sorry for the situation, but I read your book, and you really seem to get into the minds of hookers."
Story -- 0/10
Cinematography -- 0/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 0/10
Acting -- 0/10
Nudity -- Very High
Gore -- High
Overall -- 0/10
3/19/13
Parasitic (Martin; 2012)
http://i.imgur.com/aChCvxb.jpg
I told you those tanning booths were bad news!
Netflix Says:
A group of friends are trapped inside a nightclub with an unseen terror and must fight to survive and destroy the creature before it gets loose.
Review:
A prehensile penis grows out of the throat of a woman with huge fake breasts and she goes on a rampage through a nightclub. In the world where Parasitic takes place, there are no such things as emergency exits. Nobody even brings up the possibility of leaving through them. And the windows are, as one character so eloquently puts it, "fucking barred on the outside, man!" The characters whine about how there is only one exit and how cock-neck lady has the only key. When the characters aren't being idiots, they're being annoying. Every woman in the cast has that irritating California-Valley accent. One of them is particularly annoying, delivering every single fucking line with the same inflection. You know, like, ah-mah-gawd, that inflection that always ends with, like, a question mark? The dialogue attempts to be comical and lively, but it's neither. It's tedious and flat. The movie runs 78 minutes, but the script is so anemic that scenes are padded to meet it.
Memorable Quote:
"Dude, we're not in fucking library!"
Story -- 1/10
Cinematography -- 4/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 1/10
Acting -- 2/10
Nudity -- Some
Gore -- Very Low
Overall -- 1/10
03/20/13
Giallo (Argento; 2009)
http://i.imgur.com/tWStiG1.jpg
Kiko just learned her destination is Florida.
Netflix Says:
Adrien Brody stars as Insp. Enzo Avolfi, who trails a sadistic serial killer in this thriller from Italian horror master Dario Argento.
Review:
A living cartoon kidnaps beautiful women and murders them. A brooding Adrien Brody to the rescue! It starts out strongly enough, seems to be living up to its name, until things start veering off-course. Somebody expecting a true giallo is going to be sorely disappointed. The villain, a laughable stereotype of an Italian thug, the actor buried under lumpy yellow make-up, is revealed close to the forty-five minute mark. We even get a brief flashback to his early childhood. We also get an unbelievable childhood tale about Brody's detective character. For that matter, there's a fair amount of unbelievable stuff. Why would any detective reveal his entire investigation to a civilian, let alone the sister of the villain's current victim? Why would his superiors allow him to take her with him everywhere he goes? I just can't buy it. But, you know, despite all this, it moves at a nice clip and things never veer into boredom. Aside from the villain, the acting is solid. And it looks good, although not as good as one would come to expect from Argento.
Memorable Quote:
"Kiss-kiss no more."
Story -- 4/10
Cinematography -- 6/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 5/10
Acting -- 7/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- Some
Overall -- 6/10
SPRING BREAK WHOOOO!
04/02/2013
Devil Seed (2012; Sager)
http://i.imgur.com/nZNNLTf.jpg
She's not a night person.
Netflix Says:
A college coed's psychic reading goes horrifically wrong, and the next day, she wakes possessed by a demonic entity, experiencing mysterious scratch marks all over her body and terrifying hallucinations.
Review:
A woman gets possessed by a demon and all kinds of spooky shit happens. I have to admit, these days I cringe when I see the credit, "Written, Edited and Directed By." I think, Ooh, God, another low-budget ego project by a nobody. And let's not kid ourselves, this movie was made on a pretty damn low budget. After a cracking good first act, the movie tips over and lets the wheels spin. Okay, that's not entirely true. There are plot points, and the vehicle does move, but it moves slowly. Despite this, it has decent pacing and remains watchable throughout. I don't really have much explanation for it. Maybe the dialogue seemed natural enough that it carried me through the slower, more repetitious scenes. Or maybe the two lead women were attractive enough that I tuned the dialogue out. Either way, most of the problems with the film are minor, but there's so many that they start to pile on. The acting is spotty. The script is spotty. The cinematography is spotty. The lighting is spotty. The make-up is spotty. The CG is spotty. The continuity is spotty. But, there's no single overwhelming problem. Oh, and the ending is spotty. Actually, "spotty" isn't the right word. Maybe more like "eye-rolly."
No Memorable Quotes
Story -- 4/10
Cinematography -- 5/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 5/10
Acting -- 5/10
Nudity -- Low
Gore -- Very Low
Overall -- 5/10
04/03/2013
House Hunting (2013; Hurt)
http://i.imgur.com/4kwWltM.jpg
Canadian ghost, eh.
Netflix Says:
Upon entering a deserted farmhouse, two families discover that every attempt to leave takes them right back in. Stuck in purgatory, they are haunted by the home's former owner, who declares only one clan will be able to call the house their home.
Review:
A pair of fucked up families get trapped in a house located in the Twilight Zone and start to become all kill-y. I never once thought I would have to say this about one of my marathon movies, but ... I may need to digest this one for a bit. Initial impressions are good. Pretty damn good, actually. Outside of a few janky edits and a sadly predictable ending, it's very watchable, and dare I say entertaining. It looks good. It moves at a terrific pace. Everybody does a great job in front of the camera. Well, okay, the guy playing the skeevy son is occasionally clunky, but it's not so frequent that it becomes a problem. Sometimes it does feel like it's just turning its wheels, and there are a few moments that seem out of place, but the story always picks itself up after it stumbles. And, frankly, it's nice to see Marc Singer working again. I dunno, folks. I think I may have found my favorite film of the marathon so far. Give it a try.
Memorable Quote:
"There won't be any help until all the problems in that house are dealt with."
Story -- 7/10
Cinematography -- 7/10
Dialogue & Characterization -- 7/10
Acting -- 7/10
Nudity -- None
Gore -- Very Low
Overall -- 7/10