The Alt-Report (the hipster Onion)

[D_Davis]

2k10 has been one of the most severe buzz droughts in the history of the blogosphere, without any new, exciting artists to hype.

http://altreport.hipsterrunoff.com/2010/08/pitchfork-gives-twin-shadow-best-new-music-confirms-status-as-legitimate-2k10-buzzband.html

Hilarious.

[D_Davis]

http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2010/05/bjork-goes-to-see-performance-artist-at-moma-has-telepathic-conversation-with-her.html

Bjork: I really like what ur doing. u inspire me
Marina Abramović: haha ditto. sometimes I jam 2 u on my iPod when I make art
Bjork: O ya, which song do u like?
Marina Abramović: Mainly the early stuff. Ur later stuff is inaccessible
Bjork: Ya, I agree. Sorta just on cruise control now that my brand is established
Marina Abramović: Ya, I am hoping this internet meme art piece puts me over the top with mainstream blog fame
Bjork: so what do u like to do in ur spare time?
Marina Abramović: just artsy shit
Bjork: o that’s kewl.
Marina Abramović: where did u grow up, anyways?
Bjork: I am from Iceland.
Marina Abramović: I have met many great people from Iceland. They have a truly creative spirit.
Bjork: I’m really creative. I didn’t even go to school, I was raised by a collective of animals.
Marina Abramović: Like the band?
Bjork: No, like there were some wolves, a bear, some snow foxes, and some Icelandic llamas. We’d spend all day doing creative projects and writing music.
Marina Abramović: That’s kewl.
Bjork: There’s no such thing as ‘cool.’
Marina Abramović: Andy Warhol.
Bjork: Who is that?
Marina Abramović: He’s the guy who inspired Lady Gaga
Bjork: Who is Lady Gaga?
Marina Abramović: Isn’t that the singer that you are ripping off? She wears all this zany ass clothing
Bjork: There is no one else on this earth like me.


Marina Abramović: I have a plasma screen
Bjork Jr: I hear those have real trill ass picture
Marina Abramović: Ya. Got Avatar on blu ray. Shit pops right of the screen
Bjork Jr: Yeah, I saw it in 3d. Really dug it.
Marina Abramović: Wish Will Smith was in it
Bjork Jr: Ya. Woulda made more money, probably
Marina Abramović: And Jeff Goldblum
Bjork Jr: That bro killed it in Independence Day. AND Jurassic Park
Marina Abramović: My next art project might be to build a Jurassic Park
Bjork Jr: U got some dino DNA or what?
Marina Abramović: No but I know some guy who can get me some for cheap
Bjork Jr: That’s cool. Let me know when u sell tickets so my family can go.
Marina Abramović: Aite
Bjork Jr: Well I gotta go. Gonna go sit in the corner and play Nintendo DS
Marina Abramović: I miss u. nice 2 meet u
Bjork Jr: Same here. One last thing tho…
Marina Abramović: What is it, Junior
Bjork Jr: Can u tell my mom to get me a data plan?
Marina Abramović: What kind of phone do u have?
Bjork Jr: an iPhone 4g
Marina Abramović: And u don’t have data?
Bjork Jr: No
Marina Abramović: Why not?
Bjork Jr: Mom says that wireless internet can give u the chicken pox, or what she calls the Icelandic heeby jeebies
Marina Abramović: Ya. I’ll talk to her about making the most of her investment.

[D_Davis]

3 Bros go to an Am Eaggy at their local mall, purchase BRO HATS (http://altreport.hipsterrunoff.com/2010/08/3-bros-go-to-an-am-eaggy-at-their-local-mall-purchase-bro-hats.html)


http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd120/hipsterrunoff/photographs/hro/9d64d2ce.jpg

[D_Davis]

My Parents came to watch my buzzband. For the first time in my life, they looked proud of me. (http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2010/08/my-parents-came-to-watch-my-buzzband-for-the-first-time-in-my-life-they-looked-proud-of-me.html)




After the show, my mom came over and hugged me, even though I was covered in sweat from jamming so fucking hard. My dad shook my hand. He said, “You did it son. It looks like you know what you’re doing, and you’re happy. That’s what’s important. There’s something I never told you. I used to play guitar in a shoegaze band, but I had to get a job at the factory so that we could put down a down payment on our first house. If you had seen the look on your mother’s face when she first saw that house, you’d understand that it was worth it to see her smile at any cost. That’s what love is, son. And I love you. I’m sorry about my distant feelings towards you and my inability to express complex emotions. I didn’t want you to pursue music because I didn’t want you to feel the pain I felt when I had to hang it up. I’m sorry for making you play youth sports. I’m sorry for wanting you to get a high paying job that offered you the opportunity to have a comfortable life. This is what it means to be a father. I am so proud of you.”

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[Acapelli]

ugh, i hate this guy

his sctick got old ages ago

[D_Davis]

ugh, i hate this guy

his sctick got old ages ago

I dig it.

I was waiting for the first "this shit's old" post. :) Can't keep up with everything!

[Acapelli]

i'm just kind of annoyed with the whole hipsters who claim they aren't hipsters making fun of other hipsters

it's not really carles fault as much as the people who've latched onto his schtick and repeat it ad nauseum. chillwavebloghousealtbro

he's just sorta been coasting this year and the whole parody thing he was doing has become self parody

[number8]

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51-CHyFCgWL._SS500_.jpg

[D_Davis]

Pitchfork writes article abt how bands take lofi photographs to brand themselves as ‘vintage’/authentic (http://altreport.hipsterrunoff.com/2010/09/pitchfork-writes-article-abt-how-bands-take-lofi-photographs-to-brand-themselves-as-vintageauthentic.html)

[Qrazy]

What is with this recent explosion of useage of the term DIY?

[D_Davis]

What is with this recent explosion of useage of the term DIY?

It's an internet brand-meme. DIY = insta-alt-cred.

[Qrazy]

It's an internet brand-meme. DIY = insta-alt-cred.

Well it's damn annoying.

[D_Davis]

Well it's damn annoying.

:shrug:

It's just a thing - Do it yourself.

I don't see a reason to get worked up over it. It's been a thing in the music biz for decades; it's not a new concept or anything.

[Qrazy]

:shrug:

It's just a thing - Do it yourself.

I don't see a reason to get worked up over it. It's been a thing in the music biz for decades; it's not a new concept or anything.

The act of doing things oneself isn't annoying, the use of the term DIY is annoying. Most acronyms are annoying, but this one in particular for some reason. People are putting it on their resumes lately. 'I do a lot of DIY projects around the house.' Annoying.

[D_Davis]

I dunno, doesn't really bother me.

IAGB


It's all good, bro

[number8]

I sometimes use it when reviewing mumblecore movies. But I'd only use one per review.

[D_Davis]

They are also apparently sending u a cassette tape of unreleased mp3s when u buy one of these shoes. Hopefully some1 who buys them has some technology that converts cassette tape to mp3 and auto-assigns the track data.

http://altreport.hipsterrunoff.com/2010/09/breaking-animal-collective-releases-official-basketball-shoe-4-jumping-higherbeing-more-relevant.html